


Holiday Follies

by Phoenix_Emrys



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst and Humor, Established Relationship, Holidays, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-07-01
Packaged: 2018-04-07 01:44:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 55,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4244829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix_Emrys/pseuds/Phoenix_Emrys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blame it on the Beer!<br/>Warning: Not recommended for Sam fans! anti s/j<br/>Posted 14 Mar 05</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The luck o' the Irish

"It is green," Teal'c says with a disdainful glance at the contents of his glass. 

"Come on, Teal'c, live a little!"Sam giggles, giving our large, unimpressed friend a playful nudge in the ribs."It's Saint Patrick's day!"

"So you have said," Teal'c states serenely."DanielJackson has informed me of the purpose of this holiday, although I do not understand what the copious consumption of a green alcoholic beverage contributes to its observance." 

"You mean, other than as an excuse to consume copious quantities of _any_ alcoholic beverage, green or not?" I ask him with a green.I mean…grin. 

Oookay, time to slow down a bit.I know I wasn't originally planning on driving, but if Sam sucks back a few more cold green ones, I just might be. 

Teal'c places his glass on the deck's railing, crosses his arm and contemplates the wide, barely greening expanse of Jack's back yard.Hey it's March; the lawn doesn't look like much yet, but wait for it.By this time next month it'll be like a wee patch of the Emerald Isle transplanted. 

Jack likes his lawn.Almost as much as he likes his beer.But not as much as he likes me.And that's just between him, me, and every room in the house, as often as we can manage it. 

I love the Irish.And one of its proudest sons. 

"I will abstain," Teal'c loftily informs Sam."I believe you should consider exercising similar restraint.As should you, DanielJackson." 

"Hey!"I gamely protest."I've been pacing myself!We're not anywhere near 'copious' yet." 

Teal'c's next pithy comment is interrupted by an unholy wail exuding from the interior of the house.It sounds roughly like a bag of banshees caterwauling from the bottom of a barrel. 

_ "Oh Danneeyyyboyyyyyyy….the pipes, the pipes are callllliiinngggg…." _

Oh God.Jack.Jack's singing.Jack's singing 'Dannyboy'. 

Oh God, this is so not good. 

If any one of us could be described as being 'copious' at the moment, Jack definitely fits the bill.Although he usually enthusiastically embraces the celebration of one of his favourite holidays, the rate at which he's been tossing back the green-tinged brewskis since the unexpected company showed has been concerning me.We customarily observe this most sacred day privately, therefore the rapidity with which he deliberately achieves inebriation usually isn't a problem. 

Usually… 

Jack normally doesn't drink to excess, and certainly not to the degree he's become blotto today, but Saint Patrick's Day is an exception.He wears the green – drinks it too - with gusto, getting totally and freely into the spirit, most especially the alcoholic. And he does it in the safety and privacy of his own home, where only he and me can see.Usually. 

I hang out with him, and help him celebrate. Keep him from walking into things, falling down stairs and breaking his neck, kissing people he shouldn't.It's kind of become 'our' day.One of our traditions.Like his penchant for marking the occasion by serenading me with 'Danny boy'.Because it's him and Saint Paddy's day, I cut him some slack.Today, and today only, once a year, I let him it do it.Once a year.That's it. 

It's embarrassing enough, the song alone, but believe me, if you could hear what he does to it, drunk or sober, even once a year I think I'm being extraordinarily tolerant. 

Okay, I'll admit it helps he's pretty damned cute, even when murdering the classics. 

The singing, although it is making our ears bleed, isn't what's worrying me.It's what Jack's not-so-tender rendition of the old Irish standard signifies, what it's usually a prelude to. 

I'm also remembering last year, when Jack added a new 'tradition' to our Saint Patrick's Day private ritual observances.After lovingly and loudly rendering Dannyboy, he presented himself to me buck naked with a huge green bow tied around his…shillelagh. 

That was a pretty good year, I don't mind telling you. 

This year, however, as you can see, our private party has been crashed.Sam showed up when Jack was already well on the way to 'copious', beers in one hand, green food colour in the other, and none to pleased to see I'd apparently beaten her to the colonel.Of course, I couldn't inform her I was already here because I hadn't left from the night before, but there you are, and so was she. 

Unfortunately. 

So, to keep up appearances, I made like her showing up unexpected and uninvited was part of a grand master plan we hadn't let her in on yet; Jack had meant to invite all of us and she'd beat us to the punch.I collected our fourth, and now, here we all are, out on Jack's deck, cringing from the aural assault. 'Dannyboy' by Jack O'Neill.Run for your life, don't walk. 

Jack is proceeding to mangle the second verse and if I don't get in there like _now_ and head him off at the ass, our unsuspecting team mates are going to be getting more than an _earful_. 

Shit, he's coming out.Ohgodohgodohgod, Jack _please_ have your clothes on! 

I've barely started to sidle towards the sliding doors when Jack comes lurching onto the deck, his sixth green beer in hand. 

Fully clothed and not a green bow or shillelagh in sight. 

Thank God! 

"Kiss me, I'm Irish," he leers at me, licking his lips enthusiastically, stumbling towards me. 

No doubt, no question I'm the destination he's attempting to perambulate, however crookedly, toward, I'm the pot at the end of his desired rainbow, but apparently the woman standing beside me thinks Jack's talking to her. 

"Oh Sir!" she blushes and giggles, taking an eager step toward him."We really shouldn't!" 

Jack pulls up short like someone's abruptly nailed his feet to the deck.He stands there, bobbing back and forth like a six foot punching bag, eyes narrowed and glaring witheringly at our flushing, dewy-eyed major. 

Who is flushing and glowing in clear expectation of collecting _my_ kiss. 

I'm sure she's got designs on the shillelagh as well.Not gonna happen.I'm all for team spirit and share and share alike, but you have to draw the line somewhere. 

Jack looks like he'd sooner toss on her shoes.Oh boy, now I really wish I _was_ copious.This is seconds away from getting _seriously_ ugly. 

"Not YOU!" he snorts at her, wrinkling his nose distastefully before affixing me anew with a lecherous stare, a huge, happy grin on his face."HIM!Ohhhhhhh Daaaannneeeeeboyyyyyy…" 

Teal'c's eagle eyes boring into my back, I'm instantly in motion."That's enough for you, Jack," I make myself laugh as I grab him, whirling him around so abruptly the beer sloshes out of his glass, liberally anointing the deck in a wide swathe of sopping green.But a true Irishman to the core, he doesn't lose his grip on the glass or let another drop fall while I hustle him toward the house. 

"I'm gonna put Paddy here to bed before he starts kissing all of us," I toss jokingly back over my shoulder and making an 'ewwwwww' face hoping, _praying_ Sam and Teal'c will buy this explanation for Jack's blatant attempt to put the moves on me right under their noses."Irishmen," I feebly joke."A dozen green beers and they're anybody's." 

"Indeed," Teal'c observes, his expression inscrutable."Perhaps this would be wise.I do not wish to be kissed." 

Sam's not saying anything but it's clear she's not with Teal'c vis a vis the whole oscular avoidance issue. 

Like this should come as a huge surprise. 

"smmmmooooshy…"Jack snorts into my neck, and then licks it. 

I have no idea what that means and I'm much too terrified to find out. 

Okay, the sooner I get this sodden son of Erin Go Braugh into his bed the safer.Then I'll figure out what, if anything else needs to be said to cover Jack's slip of the lip.Or should that be his attempt to publicly slip me the lip.And probably some tongue. 

I'm thinking Teal'c won't be a problem, he's a pretty observant guy and if he doesn't already know for sure, he's definitely connected a _few_ dots but whatever his personal opinion, he'll keep quiet.We don't flaunt it, well _normally_ not, and he doesn't comment on what he does or doesn't know one way or the other. 

All in all, so far it's been working well. 

Sam, however, I just don't know.Well, I do know she wants what I've got, namely Jack, and I also know, so far, she doesn't know.About what I've got and she's never gonna have.What I _don't_ know – how she's gonna take it when she finally knows. 

You know? 

However, I have a horrible feeling I'm only one copious colonel and tucking him in bed away from finding out. 

I mean, she must know _now!_ Even _she_ couldn't be that oblivious! 

Could she? 

So much for the luck of the Irish.Damn you, Jack, I love you, you whacked Irish bastard, but I think you've really landed us in the soup this time. 

My soused Irish Rose comes quietly as I haul him along to the bedroom and tumble him into bed, not resisting, until he realises I mean for him to sleep it off alone. 

"Kiss me, Daneeeee," he slurs and belches, exuding the toxic vapors of all the emerald ambrosia he's imbibed.My head swims in the noxious cloud and I try to fight off what feels like a dozen arms winding around my neck; the unrepentant drunkard seems determined to pull me down with him. 

Believe me Jack, I'd like nothing better, but we're not alone.I've got to deal with the company, and the inadvertent 'outing'. 

"Go to sleep, you crazy Irishman," I tell him fondly, kissing him lightly as I unhook from his tenacious embrace."I'll come back soon." 

I honestly don't know if he heard me; as soon as he gets his kiss he closes his eyes, smiles contentedly and turns on his side, nuzzling and burrowing.I leave him happily warbling 'Dannyboy' into his pillow. 

I make my way back to the main part of the house, mentally weighing my options.As I start down into the living room I'm surprised to see Sam regally installed in Jack's favourite chair. 

She doesn't see me at first; she's entirely wrapped up in gazing raptly around the room.I can see the wheels turning from here.I can also see she's been snooping again.The picture of Jack, Sara and Charlie has been moved; turned ever so subtly toward the wall.I quash the spurt of anger the sight invokes in me, a reminder, yet another telling indication Sam knows absolutely nothing about Jack, no matter what she thinks she knows.Sara and Charlie are sacrosanct, a part of Jack I respect because he loved them. You don't mess with them, you know?And you don't mention them or ask him about them.He wants you to know something, you will.He doesn't – well, then, you won't. 

They may be in his past, but they are never far from his thoughts. 

Then she sees me and smiles broadly, almost smugly, like a woman with a fat, juicy, self-satisfying secret. 

"Thanks, Daniel," she says, rising from the chair to give me a hug. 

Colour me confused.This was definitely the last thing I was expecting. 

"For – for what?" I burble. 

"For," she sighs and shakes her head, a fond 'oh that silly dear' look on her face."For covering for _us_ ," she breathes dramatically, leaning closer, squeezing my arm, like we're a pair of old conspirators. 

Huh?Still not getting' it. 

Fortunately she seems quite unaware of my confusion and continues to fill in the blanks enthusiastically, without prompting, steering me back out toward the deck and our abandoned team mate. 

"The colonel," she fondly chuckles."He's such a dear.I know he never would have…it was the beer talking; he didn't _mean_ to share our secret, but I guess you knew," she finishes with a sly, sideward glance. 

Knew?Oh – Oh my _God_!She – she – 

"Obviously, you know how we feel about each other, even though it's against the regs," she continues."That's why you covered for him – for us. It shouldn't surprise me he'd have confided in you, of _course_ he would have, you're not in the military, it would be safe to tell _you_ and you're such _good_ friends and you spend so much time together, how could you _not_ have known?Anyway, thanks, Daniel," she sighs, squeezing my arm again."You're such a good friend.To both of us." 

She thinks I was – Jack was – it was all about _her_.And _him_.And her and him.She doesn't think, doesn't even _suspect_ – hasn't got a _clue_ about the truth! 

Oh my God, Sam, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.Sure, this solves _our_ problem rather neatly but, but… 

She really doesn't know! Can't see things any way but the way _she_ wants them to be.Really, _really_ thinks Jack and her…her and Jack… 

I'm suddenly feeling very scared, and more than a little sad.Sam, oh Sam, I'm sure the wonderland you're living in is a very interesting place, but I'm afraid to tell you, you're the only resident. 

Don't pick out furniture; trust me on this one. 

And then we're back on the deck, reunited with Teal'c, and all conversation on the subject, real and imagined, abruptly ceases.God, just get me through the rest of this day.I'll have to tell Jack about this eventually; he'll have to know just how serious Sam's intentions are and how sure she is of his reciprocation. To the point of being downright creepy.I'll have to tell him eventually, but not today.

 

* * *

 

"Are they gone yet?"Jack mumbles as I fall into bed and spoon up behind him. 

"Yep," I tell him, moving in closer.Don't wanna talk.Don't wanna think.Wanna snuggle. 

"Everything locked up?" he mumbles. 

"Yep, the house is secure." 

"Carter's not hiding under the bed or anything, is she?" 

The last time I saw Sam she was slung over Teal'c shoulder, giggling and blowing me kisses.I think it's pretty safe to say she's down and out for the count and won't be creeping unexpectedly around any corners. 

I hope… 

"Did I sing?" he whines."Tell me, Daniel, please tell me I didn't sing." 

"What do you think?" I chuckle, wriggling up against his ass.He grunts appreciatively, and then sighs. 

"I'm thinking we go out of town next year."He's silent for a few seconds."Did I try and kiss you?" he finally ventures."In front of Carter and Teal'c?" 

"Don't worry about it," I reassure, trying for casual."They didn't see a thing." 

Well, they did and they didn't.It's complicated and he's still too copious to go into it right now. 

"You are so shitting me," he groans. 

"Yes and no.We're in the clear, trust me.Thanks to a little luck of the Irish." 

"I have no idea what that means and right now I'm too drunk to care." 

"Go to sleep, Jack," I soothe, kissing the side of his neck."We'll sort it out in the morning." 

I wonder if I should tell him because of his Irish charm, and but for a bit of Irish luck, if a certain someone had her way he might have been waking up to Sam in the morning, and not me. 

Nah! 


	2. April's Fools

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's April Fools Day and who's foolin' whom?  
> Warning: Not recommended for Sam fans! Definitely anti-ship.

“Jack?”

“Ummm… what? Sleeping… Or trying to. Whaddya want?”

“I want you to promise you’ll behave yourself tomorrow.”

“Whaddya mean, behave myself? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You know exactly what I mean so cut the crap, as well as the innocent routine. I’m not buyin’ it. You know damned well what tomorrow is and I’m telling you right now, whatever horrors you’ve concocted in your evil brain to inflict on me – think again. Not this year, Jack. I’m not having any of it, no sir, I’m done being your major source of amusement on April Fool’s day, not playing any more, not gonna happen. You hear me, Jack? I mean it - no buckets of water balanced on the top of my office doorway, no salt in the sugar dispenser, no booby traps in my locker, no whoopee cushions on my chair – “

“Crap, Daniel, you sure know how to suck the fun right out of things. Besides, that whoopee cushion – I had nuthin’ to do with it – that was Teal’c. “

“No skeletons jumping out of my closet – “

“Hey, you have to admit that was a good one. It was a bitch to set up too, I’ll have you know, but you’re worth the effort.”

“No snakes springing out of my desk drawers, no goo in my boots or glue in my boonie – “

“Okay, okay, you’ve made your point, maybe I have gotten a little carried away in the past, I’ll give you that one, I just like to get into the spirit of the holiday, and all.”

“Jack, April Fool’s Day isn’t a holiday.”

“Well, maybe not officially, but it should be!”

“Call me crazy, but just once I’d like to get through the day without being in a constant state of abject terror lurching from one petrified second to the next anticipating the next atrocity lying in wait to go off in my face.”

“Ah, my poor Danny, I guess I really have put you through it and then some. I’m sorry.”

“No you’re not, but I’m asking you anyway. Promise me, this year you’ll cut me a break and cut out the pranks.”

“Okay, I promise. What’s wrong now?”

“That was too easy.”

“What?”

“I said, that was too easy. You agreed, just like that. No arguing, no pouting, no transparent protestations of innocence. Dammit Jack, if this is another trick, if you’re setting me up, pretending to agree to leave me in peace tomorrow in order to lull me into a sense of false complacency so I’ll let my guard down and you can really get me – “

“Baby, I swear to you, I mean what I said. I’m not fooling around, nothing’s gonna jump out and go ‘Boo!’ at you tomorrow, swear to God.”

“So you say.”

“Danny, trust me. I know I’ve been a very bad boy in the past but tomorrow, I’ll be good. I’ll be better than good, I’ll be terrific. I’ll make it all up to you, wait and see.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Suit yourself. But I’m telling you, you’ll be sorry you doubted me.”

“Oh God, now I’m really terrified.”

“Gimme a kiss and go to sleep. Tomorrow is gonna be another day.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

Well, April Fool’s is almost over and so far, the conniving bastard has been as good as his word. I’ve been on a perpetual edge all day waiting for him to get me, practically jumping out of my skin at the slightest sound and he hasn’t pulled a damned thing. Nothing. In fact, I haven’t even seen Jack since lunch, but that doesn’t mean anything. Even though he’s not been around – in person - that doesn’t mean he hasn’t already been in here and set something up to go off in my face while he’s off somewhere else, polishing his alibi and his ‘who me?’ expression. Yeah, that’s just his style. Bastard. Or…equally as likely, he’s roped someone else into performing his twisted bidding. That way he could technically keep his promise to me, his hands would be clean, and I’d still be…

Gotten. 

Yeah, he might not be around, but that doesn’t mean I’m safe. Not from Jack, the criminal mastermind of practical jokesters. And I’m his favourite victim. Honestly, I kid you not, Dr Evil has got nothing on this guy when it comes to the insidious lengths he will go to in order to get me on an ordinary day, but today…

It’s April Fool’s Day. Jack lives for this day like a kid lives for Christmas. I must have been nuts to think I could get him to leave me alone, today of all days.

What the hell was I thinking?

And yet, he did promise he’d be good. Pretty passionately, too. And while he has occasionally been creative with the truth he’s never out and out lied to me.

But-but-but…it’s April Fool’s Day, Jack’s most sacred holiday. How can he not pull some sort of horrible, awful, evil prank on me – if he doesn’t do something, he’ll explode.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, I’ve got it! I know what his plan is, I know what he’s doing, oh my God, I’ve been an idiot; it’s so blindingly obvious.

He’s not gonna do a damned thing. For real. But because we both know this is Jack we’re talking about, he knows I know he can’t let this day go by without doing something, and yet I made him promise not to so he won’t, but he knows I won’t believe him, I’ll still be expecting him to do something and making myself mental waiting for the prank that will never happen and that’s the prank! No wait, listen, it makes sense. That’s what he’s gonna do to me –

Nothing! 

Dammit, I’ll bet that was his master plan all along; that was the big practical joke for this year, to drive me nuts by not doing anything at all! 

And I played right into his hands!

Stupid!

Damn him, I did exactly what he wanted me to, made him promise he’d lay off of me and he lay there all big-eyed and innocent and swore he’d be good, and…I don’t believe this, but he’s kept his word and he’s still managed to do it to me again! I’m a total basket case, having spent the entire day spooked out of my gourd expecting what was never gonna happen and he hasn’t pulled one single practical joke, hasn’t even come near me, hardly, the whole day.

Hasn’t had to. I’ve done myself in.

Bastard.

I’ve got to wrap this up and get the hell out of here. I’m going to finish this translation and then I’m going to go home and work my way systematically through whatever happens to be cluttering up my liquor cabinet.

I hate April Fool’s day.

Phone. Now what.

“Daniel Jackson.”

“Hey Dannyboy, how are you enjoying your day?”

Well, I’m miserable, but I’m sure not gonna tell him that.

“Fine, just fine. It’s been nice and quiet.”

“See, toldya I’d be good.”

Bastard, quit rubbing it in.

“Whatcha doin’?”

“Well, I was just putting the finishing touches on this translation for the briefing tomorrow, and then I’m outta here.”

“Good, so you’re almost done then. Come on over as soon as you’re finished. I’ve got a surprise for you.”

Yeah, I’ll just bet you do. And there we have it folks, the sound of the other shoe dropping.

Maybe I’ve got it all wrong, maybe not doing anything wasn’t the plan after all, maybe he’s still got something up his sleeve and he’s luring me over to his place so he can…get me…

Finally.

Okay, now I sound like a head case.

Wait a minute, Jack’s at home. What’s he doing there, it’s not even four yet.

“What? You’re home already?”

“Yeah, I booked off for the afternoon. Had some stuff I needed to do. So when are you coming over?”

When hell freezes over?

“Daniel?”

“Um…well, I thought, I’d go home tonight.”

Where it’s safe.

“Please, Daniel, I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not what you’re thinking. You’ll see. Just…come on over. Pleaaaaase?”

Oh man, he’s really laying it on thick. The sincerity in his voice is practically dripping all over me. He gets any more ‘sincere’ I’ll drown. Whatever he’s got planned, it’s pretty spectacular.

I’m a dead man.

“Dannnnnnyyy?”

I’m also so hopelessly in love with this shameless prick, especially when calls me that…

The begging is pretty hard to resist too.

“Okay. I’ll be by in an hour or so.”

Schmuck.

“Great! See you then!”

I can’t believe I’m doing this, driving myself to my own execution.

Just shoot me now; it’ll be kinder.

“Jack?” I venture, cautiously opening the front door and poking my head through. I blink with surprise, because the first thing assailing my senses isn’t a bucket of cold water, but the most amazing smells, wafting out of Jack’s kitchen. I take a few more steps into the house, lured onward by the siren call of those delicious aromas.

Mmmmmmmm….

I drop my car keys on the table by the door and walk onward, letting my nose lead me, still no sign of Jack, but more wonderful smells. He’s got the fireplace going, if that luscious aroma of wood smoke is anything to go by, and is that…

Yeah, it is. Candles. Jack is burning candles. Candles. Fire. Soft music. Dinner in the oven.

Okay, if this is a joke it’s a damned peculiar one.

Yep, there’s a fire going, but Jack’s not down in the living room. However, I do see some cushions and a blanket arranged in front of the cozy inferno and – is that what I think it is?

Champagne on ice? Chocolate covered strawberries?

Ooooooh!

That missing Colonel? Found him.

Strong arms wind around my waist, and a hard body spoons up behind me, gently propelling me down the short hall, around the corner and into the dining room, warm lips nuzzling the side of my neck all the way.

“Sorry, babe, didn’t mean to startle you,” Jack murmurs.

“That’s okay, I’m – I’m a little…”

“Spooked,” Jack chuckles. “You’ve been freaking out all day, waiting…for it. The big one. And when it didn’t happen at the SGC, and I invited you over, you thought I was gonna spring it on you as soon as you got here,” Jack breathes into my ear.

Why do I even bother? This man knows me better than I know myself.

“Well, maybe…that…a little…” I admit, feeling a bit foolish. 

“No maybe about it,” Jack kisses my cheek and gives me a squeeze. “You knew I couldn’t let this day go by without doing something to you, and you know what, you weren’t wrong. I’ll admit it; I’ve been bad. I have sort of broken my promise and I’m really sorry, but I’m hoping you’ll forgive me. Come and see what I’ve done for you, Danny.”

He pushes me into the dining room and my jaw drops down to my ankles.

“How do you like my prank?” Jack says tenderly. “April Fools, baby.”

The table is exquisitely set for two. Gleaming bone china plates and silverware, polished to perfection, crystal goblets, folded damask napkins complete with gleaming silver holders, an incredible floral centerpiece and gently flickering beeswax tapers ensconced in heavy silver candleholders rest atop a stunning antique lace tablecloth that must have cost a fortune. An equally pricey merlot is breathing on the table.

He’s really gone all out. It’s gorgeous. I’m – I’m stunned. And let’s not forget, as the utterly divine aroma continuing to emanate from the kitchen reminds me, he’s cooked too.

For me. Jack has done all of this, for me.

And here was me thinking…all day…

Oh Jack, I take it all back, every unkind thought I’ve harboured in my ungrateful head today, this is just sooo…sooo….

He told me I’d be sorry I doubted him. Sorry doesn’t even begin to cover it.

“Gotcha,” Jack sighs happily, hugging me fiercely.

Oh Jack, you’ve really done me over this time, and I couldn’t be happier to have been done.

I twist about in his arms, wrap mine around his neck and kiss him hard.

“No one has ever done anything like this for me,” I tell him once I’ve let him up for air.

He strokes the side of my face with the back of his hand, his eyes tender with understanding.

“I know,” he says softly. “That’s why I did it.”

“I love you, Jack O’Neill.”

“Backatcha, babe,” he breathes against my mouth, before laying an incredible kiss on me.

I lean against him, head swimming.

“When is dinner going to be ready?”

“Not for another hour,” Jack mumbles, nuzzling the side of my neck. “I thought, while we were waiting, fire, champagne…”

“That’ll keep. I’ve got a better idea,” I lick his ear, feeling him shudder, my fingers busy unbuttoning his shirt.

“I like the way you think. Race you to the bedroom.”

Jack tackles me just before I reach the bed, throwing us both heavily upon the waiting, yielding surface. Bouncing and tussling, we make short work of stripping each other, carelessly tossing the discards all around us. Gloriously naked, our mouths locked together, Jack grabs me and rolls me on top of him.

God, he feels so good, huge, rampant, hard, sliding against me, his hands clamped to my ass urging me on –

Doorbell?

Doorbell!

“Oh my God, Jack, someone’s at the door!”

“Mmmm, so what, ignore it, they’ll go away.”

“Jack, your truck’s outside, the lights are on, it’s obvious you’re home.”

Jack stops thrusting up against me, gnawing on my neck, and growls with frustration. He knows exactly what I’m saying; he has to answer the door. He is home, anyone at the door can see this, and if he doesn’t answer it, if it’s someone from the base, someone we know…

We can’t take the chance they’d assume the reason why he’s not answering…

The last thing we need right now is a bunch of SF’s busting the door down.

“Goddammit!” Jack hisses, surging out of bed after I roll off him. “This is just – Goddammit! You’re in the garage, right?” he barks, diving down to retrieve his shirt.

“Yep, like always” I nod, crawling toward the side of the bed, intending to attempt to locate my own errant apparel. “Why?”

“No, don’t get dressed,” Jack shoots over his shoulder at me while he buttons up his shirt. “Stay here, keep the motor running. Whoever this is, they probably don’t know you’re here. I’m not expecting anyone, obviously; it has to be a salesman or the paperboy or something. Whatever, I’ll get rid of them, and then we can get back down to business,” he finishes with a leer, pulling up his shorts.

“You think that’s wise?” I grimace as the doorbell sounds again. Whoever this is, they’re not going away. 

Unfortunately.

“Just – just trust me okay,” Jack pleads. “I promise I’ll be right back. Where the hell is my other sock, aw fuck it! Don’t go anywhere!” he instructs as he stomps out of the bedroom.

Whoa. Jack is one pissed off puppy right now. Buddy, whatever you’re selling, you’re gonna be mighty sorry you picked this particular door to darken tonight.

Mind you, I’m not exactly jumping for joy at the moment myself. Things were just starting to get mighty interesting before we were so rudely interrupted. 

Oh well, Jack will dust off whomever, that is if he doesn’t kill them instead, and then he’ll be back, and we can get back to…

Hmmmm, I think thoughts like this it won’t be too hard to keep things…hard…in the interim.

I’m just about to settle under the covers and see how I can suitably entertain myself while I await my lover’s return when I hear a voice that freezes my blood cold.

“Colonel, sorry to bother you, but I found that CD you were asking about. I know you said it could wait until tomorrow, but it sounded like it was really important to you so I thought I would take a chance and bring it over tonight. I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”

“Carter,” Jack croaks.

I can hear the horror from here.

Oh my God, Sam! The last person we were expecting, and given what’s in Jack’s living room and his dining room, not to mention his kitchen and his bedroom, the worst possible person who could show up right now.

Oh my God, Jack, whatever you do, don’t let her through the door, this is –

“Here you go, Sir, I won’t stay very long, mind you, if you’ve got a beer to spare, I wouldn’t say no. Oh my, what lovely music, positively romantic… “

“Carter, uh, Carter, um – thanks for the – but-but-but that is, I mean – Oh my God, don’t go down there!”

“Oh….Oh my….”

…not happening, this is not happening.

“Colonel!” She gushes. “Oh! It’s beautiful! I can’t believe you’ve done this! Is all this – for - me?”

No, it’s not, but because you’ve got this bizarre idea in your head you and Jack are an ‘item’ – in this strange and slightly scary fantasy world you inhabit, who else would it be for?

Certainly not the archaeologist who’s currently naked in the colonel’s bed.

Omigawd, I’m naked in Jack’s bed. And Sam is in the living room, with my colonel, probably this very minute starting to chow down on my chocolate covered strawberries and champagne.

Dammit, I have to get dressed, and I have to get out of here without being seen. There is no way we could explain me being here and coming from the direction of the bedroom when Jack’s house is obviously all tricked out for a heavy-duty romantic rendez-vous.

Feeling sick, furious and down-right disgusted I frantically scramble about the room searching for my clothes while out in the living room the sordid saga continues to unfold. Sam gushes and burbles and obliviously proceeds to jump through horrendously huge hoops of erroneous conclusion.

“Oh, you sweet, sweet man. That’s why you asked me for this, you were going to surprise me! And I spoiled it by getting here too early! Before you could call me and invite me over.”

“Yeah…um…sure. Um…that…”

“Well, I’m here now…Sir…”

I can’t see Jack, but I can hear him. He sounds like he’s swallowed a hamster and it got stuck in his throat halfway down. He probably wants to die, and right now, I’m half inclined to help him on his way.

Cheerfully.

Okay, here’s the way we’ll play this. I’ll shoot Jack, right between the eyes, and then, I’ll shoot myself. We could do the whole, Romeo and Juliet thing; expire in each other’s arms, right under Sam’s nose. Why not, it wouldn’t be any more absurd than the drama already unfolding here tonight.

Either way, Sam’s still gonna get to eat my dinner.

Is that the sound of a cork popping? Dammit!

“Open up, Sir,” Sam giggles.

I think I’m gonna throw up. It’s time to get out of here before I hurl.

I finish tying my shoes, and that’s when I remember my car keys are on the table by the door. Shit! Well, Jack’s a quick thinker, he probably pocketed them before Sam saw them but that means…

I’m walking until I can get far enough away to call a cab.

No wait. I left my cell on my desk.

I’m still walking. Goddammit.

I flatten myself against the wall, creeping carefully along the hallway towards the front door, listening to the one-sided conversation. They’re still below me, in the living room, Sam is prattling on a mile a minute, giggling and cooing like a teen-ager, and Jack has stopped sputtering.

I risk a glance around the corner.

Jack has his hand on the small of her back, and is moving them out onto the deck, no doubt to give me a chance to slip out the front door unobserved by his uninvited guest. I grit my teeth as Sam airily waves the champagne flute she’s clutching in her right hand and turns to beam at him before starting to suck the chocolate off the huge strawberry she’s clutching in her left.

They are both soooo lucky I don’t have a gun right now.

There isn’t a court in the world that would convict me!

Well, from the sounds of things they’re safely out of harm’s way and I’d best do the same with myself. So long, Jack, I’m outta here, and you, my friend are on your own. Enjoy your dinner.

I hope you choke on it.

You know what, neither one of us escaped this damned day unscathed after all. This is probably the biggest prank ever, and we’re both the fools.

Goddamned phone, I was almost asleep. Three guesses who it is. It’s a little after midnight, and if it’s Jack, and he’s only just made it to the phone, I hope that means it’s because he’s spent a couple of hours getting up the guts to call me and not he’s only just managed to get Sam the hell out the door.

Better not be that or I’ll kill him.

I should just let it ring. I should let him hang out to dry for awhile, possibly the next year or two, and see how he likes it.

I can’t believe Sam ate my dinner. I can’t believe my lover went to all that time, trouble and expense to set up an incredible romantic evening for me and then spent it with Sam.

I’d better answer it; he’ll just keep calling.

“What?”

“Danny, you okay?”

“What do you think? So, how did Sam enjoy my dinner?”

“She was mighty impressed. It turned out pretty good.”

“I’m sure it did. What did we have?”

“Do you really want to know?”

“No, I guess not. Bad enough she got my dinner – and my chocolate covered strawberries as well.”

“Fraid so.”

“Dessert?”

“Yeah. You would have really liked it. Sam had seconds. You know, when she puts her mind to it, she can really pack it away.”

“Thanks for sharing that with me. Well, she’d better not have assumed what you had going on in your pants when you answered that door was for her too.”

“No worries there, as soon as I saw her, nothin’ to see, if you know what I mean. Sorry about…the…fuckus…interruptus…too.”

“Oh well, not like it’s never happened before.”

“It sure wasn’t supposed to happen tonight – none of this was supposed to happen, this was gonna be one hell of a night, I planned it all so carefully, I wanted it to be just perfect – for you…

“I – I know. You’d better not have kissed her!”

“What ? No, of course not! Ewwww!”

“Just checking.”

“So, did you…”

“Eat? Yeah. I picked up Chinese on the way home.”

“I’m so sorry, Danny. I swear to God, she just barged in before I could stop her and then of course, when she saw – she just assumed…”

“I know damned well what she assumed. Now do you believe what I’ve been trying to tell you all this time about how serious she is about you?”

“God yeah, Danny, I sure do now, and it’s just gotten a hell of a lot worse. I gotta tell you, buddy, we’re in some serious shit here. After tonight’s fiasco, she’s thinking we’re practically engaged or something.”

“No Jack, you’re in serious shit. This has got nothing to do with me. You’re the one who’s been leading Sam on, letting her think you’re in love with her and not doing a damned thing to set her straight. And you’re the only one who can fix this.”

“I know, I know, but after tonight – well, because of what she saw…and thought, in order to cover up…you know, I had to go through with it. We had dinner – together – a dinner she thinks I made for her, and now I can’t just come out and – well, now we’ve gone and…done it… um – not that, but the dinner…thing… I’m in kind of in a bind, I mean, how do I explain, if the dinner wasn’t really meant for her and I tell her that now – well, then how do I explain why I let her think when she showed up here tonight it was for her, instead of telling her who it was really for? Especially since as far as she thinks, and yeah, I’ve let her think, there isn’t anyone else…but her.”

“You’re really in it up to your eyeballs, aren’t you Jack?”

“Pretty much.”

“It’s your own damned fault, you know that.”

“Yep.”

“And if I had a brain in my head I’d wash my hands of you and leave you to clean up your own mess.”

“Yeah…you should.”

“But you know I won’t.”

“Yeah. Have I told you lately I love you, Doctor J.?”

“Well, you’d made a good start tonight, that is before Sam showed up.”

“I swear I’ll make it up to you, Danny.”

“Yes, you will. A replacement dinner is just the start, by the way.”

“Whatever you want, Danny, I’m your man. No matter what Carter thinks. And as far as the rest of the day goes, I know I promised there wouldn’t be any pranks, but I didn’t count on Carter screwing up my best-laid plans to get laid and all. But if it’s any consolation, for once the joke was on me and I turned out the be the biggest fool of all.”

“It isn’t, and I guess you did, but you know what, you’re my fool. And if it’s all the same I think I’ll keep you.”

“Pranks and all?”

“Yeah.”

“Good night, baby, sleep tight. See you tomorrow.”

“You bet – oh, and Jack, you’ll have to pick me up tomorrow. My car’s still in your garage.”

“Oh yeah. Sorry about that too.”

“That’s okay, it was a nice night for a walk.”

“Oh my God, you are so gonna make me pay for this aren’t you?”

“You got that right. Night Jack.”

No foolin’.


	3. Easter Egos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Sam is away the boys will play. But is she really gone?
> 
> Warning: Not recommended for Sam fans! Anti s/j

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to confess I made this an Easter Story simply to be able to use the opening line in the story. The syrups Daniel mentions are actual products available on the net. I looked them up! I have no idea what Disa's Dark Desire tastes like, but I looooved the name! Also, the Eagle Motel is a real place, and thanks to findo for finding it for me!
> 
> Completion Date 08 May 06

Yum. Chocolate covered colonel; my favourite Easter treat! 

“Well?” Jack huffs impatiently, the abrupt movement of his chest jostling my hand and the brush in mid-stroke. 

“You done yet?” 

Doodies, he made me screw up the last character!Oh well, not like it matters that much. My latest effort, not that great.Although my trusty chocolate standard has never let me down, my experiments with the new syrups haven’t been as successful as I’d hoped.The Amaretto is a little thick, the Banana too runny, but the Blueberry, now, that’s just right.Two out of three ain’t bad, but it still means for the most part the medium’s made me mess up, considerably, and as for the actual message, I’m afraid my first go at Khuni cuneiform... 

I definitely need more practice.Oh…darn. 

Ah, the perils of attempting to expand one’s artistic horizons. Still, the advantages of using my present ‘canvas’ – I screw up I can just lick it clean and try again. Failure can be a sweet experience, and I can’t wait to savour this one.  On exquisite slurp at a time.

I get plenty of practice, and  I will admit to being a bit of a perfectionist, I mean anything worth doing is worth doing well, and as far as encouraging my artistic expression, Jack has _never_ complained. 

By all means, he’s right on board with try, try again. 

Ah, the things we do for our art! 

“Danny?’Jack grunts again, impatiently bucking his hips. "You?  Done?  Yet?  Any chance?" 

“Well, I would be, if you’d stop _moving_!”I scold him.Okay, I’m dragging this out a bit longer than usual, he’s been pretty good so far, but Jack’s not the poster boy for patience on a good day, especially when he’s - 

“Enough with the brush,” Jack growls, pointing meaningfully at the chocolate-covered erection jutting proudly from my greedily clenching fist. 

My masterpiece. 

“I want licking, not painting!” Jack warns.“Now.” 

Sounds good to me.Gonna taste pretty good, too. 

“Okey doke, keep your – okay, don’t keep your shorts on but just let me get rid of this.” 

I keep a firm grip on Jack’s delectable dick with my left as I reach right to put the paintbrush on the night stand.It’s not much of a stretch.My whole house would probably fit it Jack’s twice, the bedroom, compared to his is definitely cramped quarters, but that also makes it kinda cozy, and let’s face it, we really don’t need a whole lot of room for what we’re planning to do. 

I’ll admit, at first it was kinda weird to be hanging here, instead of Jack’s, which is where we usually spend most of our time, that is, we _used_ to, before the April Fool’s fiasco, but ever since then Jack’s developed a sudden preference for my place over his, so this is where we’ve been, pretty much for the last month, whenever we want to spend some ‘quality time’, and I’m actually getting to like it. 

Maybe that’s why I haven’t come out and asked Jack why he hasn’t had ‘the talk’ with Sam yet.I know damned well he hasn’t; let’s face it, he wouldn’t be hiding out here if he had, but ultimately it’s his problem, his mess, and he’s the one who’s gonna have to deal with it, whenever.Besides, it hasn’t been all that bad, really, Jack is still feeling so guilty about that evening he’s been spoiling me rotten, I’m getting to spend more time in my house than I have since I bought the damned thing, and all this time we’ve been blissfully doing it, and each other, completely free of any interruptions, at least from Sam, because wherever she’s been lurking it hasn’t been around here. 

But you know what, as far as I’m concerned, whatever Sam has been up to in the interim is none of my business. This may sound selfish, but as long as it doesn’t inconvenience me I really don’t care.I don’t know if she still has her heart set on Jack or not; as long as whatever she’s been doing or thinking hasn’t actually involved either one of us she can fill her boots. 

So yeah, Jack’s gonna have to deal with her eventually, but not today.Definitely, not now. 

Jack’s got his mess, I’ve got mine.I gotta tell you, mine’s gonna be a lot more fun. 

Oh yeah, Operation Tongue is about to commence! 

Jack’s eyes gleam lustfully at me surveying my prize.Where to start, where to start, should I lick top to bottom, or bottom to top?Maybe I should start in the middle. 

Decisions, decisions. 

I shoot Jack a smouldering look of my own, licking my lips before touching the tip of my tongue to… 

Oh God, please – no! 

Doorbell! 

“You’ve _got_ to be fucking kidding!” Jack groans. 

“Who the hell could _that_ be!”I fume, banging my forehead on Jack’s thigh. 

“Well, for once we know who it _couldn’t_ be,” Jack grumbles, and then looks anxiously at me. 

“It couldn’t be her – right?” 

“No, definitely can’t be Sam.She’s in San Diego.Flew out last night.But whoever it is,” I sigh, regretfully eyeing the treat I must temporarily – I hope – forgo.“I have to answer it.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Jack grumbles.“Go on, go,” he waves me away.“Go get rid of them. I’ll stay here and try to not to melt, run or…wilt.” 

Reluctantly I relinquish Jack’s chocolate schlong, and gravity proving to be an even stronger force than arousal, it flops back against his belly with a forlorn squish.The sound tears my heart out but I have no choice but to turn my back and leave my lover staring mournfully at it while I dart into the bathroom to wash my hands. 

There’s the damned bell again.Keep your pants on; I need to get my pants on. 

And shirt.Not going to bother with socks or underwear, after all it’s not like I’m gonna be dressed long. 

God willing. 

I close the bedroom door behind me and head for the front door doing a quick visual check for anything incriminating as I pass through, just in case.Not that it’s really necessary; although both Jack and I are huge fans of spontaneity we’ve learned a few lessons over the years, the most recent being about a month ago, and we’ve trained ourselves not to leave clues lying around in any ‘public’ areas of either one of our residences we’re engaged in a torrid and highly illegal love affair. 

It’s just safer that way.You never know… 

Yep, kitchen is clear. Syrup containers safely stashed in the fridge.Living room clear.No socks, underwear on any other discarded clothing items on display.Jack’s shoes are in the bedroom along with the rest of his clothing and his coat is in the closet. 

We’re good. 

Who the hell can this be?Mrs. Stevens?Good grief, I hope Cuddles isn’t up a tree again, I’m not in the mood for doing Tarzan impersonations.The last time I had to fetch that fuzzball down she clawed me to shreds – Cuddles, not Mrs. Stevens, the old dear is eighty if she's a day and usually pretty harmless, just don't mess with her petunias or you won't know what hit you - and I nearly broke my neck in the bargain. And please, God, not Vanessa.If that’s her this’ll be three ‘Oh Daniel, I hope you don’t think I’m being a pest, but…’ pop-overs this week.I think she’s overdoing the good neighbour thing just a tad.Jack thinks she’s warm for my form, however, as she only seems to darken my doorstep whenever _he’s_ here, I think he’s barking up the wrong babe.

Mind you so is she, but that's another story.

It can’t be Mr. Phelps complaining about the noise.We haven’t blown the place up in oh, at least a week. 

Whatever, any of them is the last thing I need right now.Oh well, there’s one bright spot in all of this, whoever’s knocking on my front door, there’s no way it can be – 

Sam. 

“Sam!” I yelp loudly enough they ought to be able to hear me back on the mountain, and hopefully with enough volume to warn the chocolate and amaretto/banana/blueberry covered man in my bed behind the closed bedroom door we’ve got a problem. 

“I thought you were visiting your brother this weekend!” 

What is she _doing_ here she’s supposed to be in fucking San Diego! 

“Well, I was,” Sam dimples coyly at me.“I was all packed and everything.About an hour before I had to catch my flight Mark called me and said he had to cancel.Both the girls have come down with the flu.” 

You’re kidding. Inconsiderate brats, why couldn’t they get sick on their own time? 

“So, I didn’t have to leave after all,” she continues to beam, craning her neck around me in order to peer into the house because I’m currently proving to be a significant obstruction to both her vision and her obvious intention of breaching the bastion of my front door.I’ve planted myself firmly in said doorway and am giving her no indication I have any intention of either moving or inviting her in.I’m praying she’ll take the hint and… 

Fuck off. 

“I stopped by the colonel’s house and he wasn’t home. I know he wasn’t leaving town so he had to be _somewhere_ in the Springs.He seems to spend an awful lot of time with you lately, so on a hunch I thought I’d shoot on over – “ 

Interesting choice of words.Wouldn’t mind shooting _you_ right now. 

I have no idea why, but in the deep, dark recesses of my brain wherein reside some of my fondest fantasies Sam and firearms are becoming sort of synonymous…lately. 

Go figure. 

“…hoping I’d get lucky.” 

Dream on, you may have found him but that doesn’t mean you get to keep him. 

“Looks like I did!” she brightly chirps, after a triumphant glance back towards the curb and the irrefutable proof of her deductive reasoning. 

Yeah, gloat away, girlfriend, Jack’s here.That huge honking truck parked in front of my house is kind of a dead giveaway. 

Crap. 

“So, where’s the colonel?”Sam asks, taking advantage of my momentary weakness to shoulder by me and barge blithely into my house.She keeps on going, straight into my living room, which is noticeably devoid of the colonel in question. 

That would be because he’s currently in my bedroom, and I’d better think fast before she deduces _that_ as well. 

This isn’t a big house; not a lot of places he could be, process of elimination will take about – oh, a minute or two, tops, especially at the speed at which it looks like she’s intending to proceed searching the place ‘til she turns him up... 

Damn! 

Think, Daniel, think! 

“Um,” I stammer and gesture vaguely towards the back of the house.“He’s…” 

Oh wait, what’s that.Running water, in the bathroom.Shower.Jack’s in the shower.Well, he would be, he’d have to be, being as how he’s currently kind of…syrupped. 

“Shower,” I croak, and force a weak smile. 

Shower, Jack’s in my shower.Oh God, oh God. 

“He’s in the shower?” Sam says, puzzled. 

Sure, why not?I’m sure there are plenty of logical explanations not involving any sort of secret syrupy sexual assignations as to why Jack would be using my shower on Easter Sunday at ten in the morning when he’s got a perfectly good one at home. 

Tons of them.I just wish I could think of one. 

“Daniel, why is the colonel using your shower?” 

Getting rid of the evidence, alas.Ah, the humanities, all that lovely chocolate going down the drain, wasted, un-tasted. 

Disa’s Dark Desire.Fifteen bucks a quart.Not including shipping and handling.Da Vinci Gourmet Amaretto, Banana, Blueberry, another twenty five bucks worth of delectable confection swirling into the sewer without so much as a lick… 

I think I’m gonna cry. 

The mere thought of the cruel, criminal, cosmic wrongness of it all is causing me actual, physical pain. 

“Um…” I brilliantly reiterate.She asked me a question.A question I can’t answer.Well, I could, because I do know the answer, but it’s not one I can share with her. 

I have to give her an explanation, a reason for why Jack is in my shower in the middle of the morning, one that does not involve chocolate or any other flavour of syrup. 

Or why he was in my bedroom in a coated state in the first place. 

I’m thinking the truth would be a little hard for her to swallow. 

Never…never mind… 

“Um, Jack…he…that is…” 

I’m stalling for time, waiting for that brilliant inspiration to hit me, and so far I’ve got nothing. 

“Daniel, something wrong?” she pauses in her aggressive snooping, her head swiveling around to affix me with a wide-eyed stare crawling with curiosity.“You feeling okay?” 

You know something, looking into those wide, expectant and _completely_ clueless eyes, it’s scarily dawning on me I’m freaking out here for nothing; I gape at her waiting for her answer and _so_ not getting what’s really going on here it’s suddenly painfully obvious I could tell her just about anything and she’d buy it.The one thing I’m afraid of her finding out, the absolute truth, as far as she’s concerned that’s so far away from any possible realm of possibility it doesn’t even figure in her current universe. 

I don’t know whether to be relieved or terrified. 

I’m still desperately questing for the elusive explanation when my deliverance comes in the form of one Air Force colonel newly emerged from his shower, his hair still damp and frankly dripping, obviously hastily toweled off and dressed as quickly as possible. 

Thank God. 

In fact he was in such a hurry to get out here he hasn’t quite _finished_ the getting dressed part.He bursts into the room, moist and more than slightly rumpled, his head bent, his fingers frantically buttoning his untucked shirt. 

“Thanks for letting me use your shower, Daniel,” he gives forth as he makes his entrance, pretending he’s unaware there’s anyone in the room but me.“Damned hot water heater picked a fine time to pack it in.” 

Oooh!Nice one, Jack! 

“Yeah, that feels a lot better,” he smiles, fastening the last button and finally looking up. 

“Carter!” He stops when he sees her, his eyes widening in what anyone who didn’t know differently, namely our unexpected and unwanted ‘guest’, would swear was genuine surprise. 

I’ll say one thing for Jack, he’s good.He probably did a bit of eavesdropping and threat-assessing in the hall before he made his entrance, got that Doctor Dimwit here wasn’t doing so good in the ‘coming up with plausible excuses’ department and immediately whipped up his cover story to cover both our butts. 

I’ll have to remember to thank him later.Once we’ve given Sam the boot and we can safely get back to business. 

“Hi Jack, looks who’s here.It’s Sam!”I burble brightly.Hey, I can play the innocent too! 

Eventually. 

“So I see,” Jack returns, looking confused.This time for real. 

“What are you doing here, Carter, I thought you were going to San Diego to visit your brother this weekend.” 

“Funny thing, Jack, seems she was just about to leave when the trip got cancelled.Both her nieces have the flu.” 

“Sorry to hear that,” Jack tells her and means it.Yeah, we’re both incredibly broken up about the kids and all, but what’s even more distressing – she’s _here_ , when she’s supposed to be _there!_

Jack throws a wordless, worried glance my way before tossing Sam a sickly smile. 

Yeah, I hear you Jack.Her plans for the weekend got cancelled, so that explains why she’s still here, in town, but not why she’s _here._

Messing up _our_ plans. 

“Okay,” Jack ventures, with all the enthusiasm of a terminal patient asking his doctor how much longer he has to live.“So you didn’t make it to San Diego, but why are you _here?”_

“She’s looking for you, Jack.” 

Found you too, unfortunately. 

So far Sam has been silently observing our verbal sparring without attempting to get in on the game herself, her head swinging back and forth between us like it’s on a pivot.She fastens on my last comment as her evident cue to finally enter the conversation. 

“Well, I’m here because I didn’t have to go away after all,” she pipes up, fixing a bright, expectant look on my colonel. 

“Huh?” Jack intelligently observes. 

What he said. 

“I didn’t have to leave after all,” she prompts him.“Soooo, we can _go_.” 

What?What is she talking about? 

“What?”Jack bleats.His eyes dart rapidly between us; I can smell his fear from here. 

What’s going on here – Jack is _panicking_.He’s so spooked he’s about three seconds away from diving out my window and running for his life. 

I’m getting a baaaad feeling about this.He knows a lot more than he’s saying, and what’s more, he knows damned well when I find out what he knows about what Sam is talking about I’m not gonna be turning cartwheels of delight. 

Oh, I can’t _wait_ to hear the rest of _this!_

“You know, the special Easter Sunday Brunch at Emilio’s we were talking about.” 

Oh?Really.Brunch?How fascinating.And bizarre.Seeing as how I know not only would Jack not _brunch_ if his life depended on it but I doubt the word is even in his vocabulary I can’t imagine why they would be talking about it or where she’s going with this, but I’m definitely all ears. 

“When I mentioned it you said we should go, but we couldn’t, obviously, because I was going away, but now I’m not, so we can go after all.So here I am!” she finishes with a sunny smile. 

“Oh yeah,” Jack mumbles weakly, his gaze resolutely fixed on his shoes.“I did say something…like that…didn’t I?” 

Jack, you didn’t!Oh, you did too, you so did!Stop staring at your shoes and face me you chickenshit! 

Jack O’Neill, you are a _dead_ man.Deceased, expired, cancelled, deleted, expurgated, late and definitely not lamented… 

_ You _ , sir, are an _ex_ -colonel. 

Flushed with triumph at her victory and utterly oblivious to the sudden murderous tension her comments have evoked Sam steps spritely forward, slipping her arm through Jack’s. Claiming her prize she starts hauling him toward the front hall. 

“We should get going then, Sir, if we want to get a good table. We’ll catch you later, Daniel.” 

She’s pulled him stunned and unresisting halfway out of the room before he rallies and realizes exactly what’s going on.He digs his heels in so emphatically he leaves skid marks on my hardwood floor, briefly halting their headlong hurtle for my front door. 

“Daniel?” he flings desperately over his shoulder while still doggedly resisting the determined traction on his right arm.“You’re coming, right?” 

Oh no you don’t you – you- bruncher! You’re not dragging _me_ into this. 

Sam grits her teeth, tightens her grip and puts her back into it. 

“I’m sure Daniel has _lots_ of things he needs to do,” she grunts, managing through force of sheer will and relentless tugging to shift Jack another millimeter closer to the door.“Don’t you, _Daniel?”_ she hisses, throwing me a warning glance.I have no trouble catching the meaning in that baleful blue stare. 

Ooookay, I know when I’m not wanted, Sam couldn’t have made it any clearer, as far as she’s concerned this is one party I’m definitely not invited to; she’s set on having Jack all to herself. 

Leaving _me_ with no colonel, chocolate covered or otherwise, no hot sex and making my own damn lunch.Brunch.Whatever. 

Hey!Wait a minute! Once was bad enough but twice?

I don’t think so! 

I know this is nuts, I shouldn’t be getting in the middle of this and oh yeah, I sure will be if I give in to Jack’s huge pleading eyes and tag along, but if I’ll be damned if I’m letting her get away with _my_ colonel again! 

“Nope,” I grin, pointedly ignoring Sam’s murderous glare slicing into me as I proceed to deliberately torpedo her hopes of getting away clean with the colonel.“As a matter of fact, I’m free. I could eat.Brunch sounds good.”

“Thank you,” Jack mouths at me, literally weak-kneed with gratitude I’ve opted not to do the sane thing and abandon him to Sam’s clutches.Although we both know damned well I should have!It’s as much as he deserves for whatever he’s said and done to make Sam believe she had a reasonable expectation of getting to spend more time with him that made her come here looking for him in the first place. 

Save it buster, I’m not doing this for you.This is between me and the pushy blonde who might not know she’s fighting a battle she’s lost before she’s even begun, but that doesn’t change the fact she’s poaching on my preserve, and quite frankly is really starting to _piss_ me off. 

You may have run him to the ground, Sam, but you’re not getting away clean with the goods. 

Sam is quietly smouldering with frustrated fury and oh my – well, let’s just say I’m not her favourite person at the moment and I will be paying for this at some point in the not-too-distant future, but I’m not gonna worry about that right now.I’m much too busy enjoying getting a little of my own back, even if I’m the only one who knows it. 

Yeah, don’t say it, it’s been a month after all and I’m well aware it’s petty of me to not let this thing go, and even pettier to enjoy messing up her plans quite so much, it’s not like she _knows_ she did me out of a dinner and a hell of a hot time but – 

Dammit, it was _my_ party and I’ll cry if I want to! 

“Okay, that’s settled then, we’re all going,” Jack happily announces. 

Sam glares at me through narrowed eyes, but she knows she’s lost this round. Jack’s last statement has taken care of that.If she wants any colonel action at all she has to accept the deal on the table, and it’s a package one. 

In order to get the colonel she has to take the archaeologist along for the ride. 

“So you’re buying then, Jack?”I smile serenely at Simmering Sam, who is currently struggling with her game face.She’s getting there, still not happy about the unexpected co-opting of her imagined cozy two-some into a trio, but she’s obviously decided to be a good sport about it. After all, half a colonel is better than none? 

That’s right, suck it up and make the best of it.It won’t be so bad; we’ll have a nice brunch, some conversation, sure it’ll be fine, we’re all friends, after all, we’ll have a good time, enjoy each other’s company for an hour or two and then… 

Jack and I will make our fond farewells and make our way back here and… 

Oh yeah, while it’s unfortunately, tragically true pretty much all of the Amaretto, Banana and Blueberry might have gone to waste, all is not lost; there’s still the Black Cherry, Bubblegum and Boysenberry . 

And that’s just the ‘B’s. 

I’d better leave room for desert. 

Sam looks at me again.She’s smiling like she’s perfectly fine with the new scenario, but there’s this subtle, sneaky gleam in her eyes. 

Really sneaky. 

Did I just say something stupid like she’d decided to be a good sport about this?Recognize she was beat and resign herself to enjoying what she could have as opposed to continuing to go after what she really wanted? 

My certainty I’ve come out on top begins to waver as she looks at me again, the triumphant gleam in her eye definitely growing.She steps in closer to Jack’s side, tightens her grip possessively and bares her teeth at me in a predatory grin and that’s when I know I’ve been suckered. 

Dammit – she’s got something up her sleeve and it isn’t Jack’s arm! 

“Well, then it’s the three of us,” she says with all the smug certainty of a cat that knows the canary is well and truly in the bag.“That’s fine, it’ll be fun.But there’s no reason to bring all three vehicles, tell you what, Daniel, why don’t you meet us there?Colonel, I’ll hitch a ride with you and I’ll leave my car here, you don’t mind, Daniel if I pick it up…later?” 

She pauses significantly before she utters the last word, and the look she gives Jack – and then me - is equally eloquent. 

Oh, Sam that was slick. You did it to me again and I didn’t even see it coming.The new scenario, according to Sam:you and Jack arrive at the restaurant in his truck, ensuring, I’m sure, to your way of thinking, whatever happens you will be leaving with him as well.We eat, you make small talk with the third wheel and then you ditch him, finally achieving the original objective of having the colonel all to yourself after all. 

Then you’re free to work on the ‘later’ part with absolutely no interference. 

Yeah well, you’ve forgotten the third wheel has wheels as well. The colonel with the truck isn’t the only one who can get you back to your car, which, seeing as how it’ll be waiting for you at the curb in front of my house, it would really make more sense for me to be the one to drive you back to it. 

Convenientlycolonel-less.But not for long, he’ll be coming…later. 

Once you’re outta here and out of our hair. 

Oops, sorry Sam, but you getting back to your car, isn’t going to be as ‘later’ as you think.You’re smiling now, but I’m gonna get the last laugh. 

However, the important thing now is to convince her I’m fine with her plans so she’ll relax and stop worrying about getting the better of me– and oh, oh yeah, Jack. 

I have to calm Jack down before he starts freaking again.Sam has resumed hauling him toward the door and he’s digging in once more because he’s finally connected the dots and feels the jaws of the trap snap shut.He gets it.If things go according to Sam’s plan he’s gonna be spending the day – and possibly a large chunk of the evening – with her. 

Or so he thinks. 

You know, I should let him go on thinking that.I should.I really should.Might teach him a lesson or two. 

Nah…that would be mean.Fun, but…mean. 

I’ll throw him a bone.Wouldn’t want him to have a stroke before we get to the restaurant. 

“Okay, that works for me, let me just grab my coat.Jack, as long as you’re here, you wanted to borrow – that – “ 

“Oh yeah!” Jack exclaims, catching my drift.“I’ll just – get it – Sam?” he turns to her, wrestling his arm out of her clutches, which isn’t easy.“Why don’t you wait for me by the truck, I’ll be – I’ll just be a sec – “ 

Her face momentarily clouds; she’s clearly not thrilled with the idea of letting Jack out of her sight even for a second.She takes a few uncertain steps towards the front door and then stops, turning back and frowning like she’s not entirely convinced I won’t spirit Jack out the back way as soon as her back is turned. 

From where I’m standing that’s not exactly completely beyond the realm of possibility. 

Jack seals the deal by dropping his keys in her hand. 

“You go on, open her up and I’ll be right out,” he reassures her.She grins happily, nods, then scurries out the door, staring at the keys she's clutching with the same covetous fervor she’d reserve for an engagement ring. 

And actually, what he’s just done is almost as binding.And traumatic.She had no idea what handing those keys over cost him; nobody touches Jack’s baby but him and me, and I’m pretty iffy at the best of times.Giving Sam his truck keys was an unbelievably courageous act, a tremendous sacrifice, especially as it means Sam is now out there, in his truck. 

Alone. 

Unsupervised. 

Touching stuff… 

Breathing on his windows.Sitting on his upholstery. Messing about with the presets on the radio.Snooping through his glove box. Checking out his CDs.Fingering his dashboard.Playing with his stick shift. God only knows what sort of mayhem, chaos and destruction she could single-handedly wreck in that cab during the - oh – minute or two she’ll be alone in it. 

Come to think of it I’m not exactly crazy about her being in there, sitting in my seat, doing any of that stuff…either. 

Although, thinking about…fingering things…oddly enough, it’s making me kinda…hot… 

Where was I?Oh yeah, but desperate times call for desperate measures and we finally got her out of the house.We don’t have a lot of time here so we'd better get this over and done with before Sam starts changing the oil or something. 

I’ll set Jack’s mind at ease about who’s gonna get custody of Sam after he’s picked up the tab, but there’s one or two things I need to clear up first. 

“Thanks Daniel, I – _Ow!_ That _hurt!_ You _hit_ me!” 

“You’re lucky I didn’t shoot you, you dumb fuck.What the hell is _wrong_ with you, why did you tell Sam you’d take her to _brunch_ , for God’s sake!” 

“I _never_ said that!Last week she cornered me in the commissary and started burbling about the brunch thing on Easter Sunday and what I _said_ was it was a shame she wouldn’t get to go because she was leaving town.” 

“Did you really say ‘she’ – or ‘we’?”

“Uhhh...” 

“Jaaaack?” 

“Well, come to think of it, I might have said…we – _OW!Stop hitting me!”_

“Oh, you’re gonna owe me bigtime for this, buster.” 

“Yeah, I know, I know and believe me, I’ll make it up to you.” 

“Oh yes, you will.Though I should have my head examined I’ve got your back as far as Sam is concerned.When it comes time to go our separate ways, you take off with the truck and I’ll drive her back to her car.And then of course you can come back over, when the coast is clear.” 

“Really?That’s – thanks Daniel.I don’t deserve you, yanno.” 

“No, you’re absolutely right, you don’t. Well, we’d better get going, and get this over with as soon as possible so we can send Sam on her way and get back to the painting and the licking.” 

“Oh yeah, that works.” 

“Oh wait – you need – the thing.” 

“What?” 

“You know, our excuse for this little chat, the thing you were going to borrow.” 

“Oh yeah.So – what?” 

“I dunno, _grab_ something, I’ll get a bag.” 

“Here.This oughta do it.” 

“A paperweight?” 

“Who cares, I’ll just toss it in the back, it’s not like she’s gonna _see_ it or anything.” 

“Okay, okay, just – put it in here.There, we’re good to go.Don’t forget your coat.” 

“Shoes, Daniel.” 

“Oh yeah.No time for socks.Where the hell are we going again?” 

“I’m – I’m not sure.Just…follow us okay?” 

All right, but for once don’t drive like a fricking maniac.You lose me and you’re on your own, partner.” 

“Don’t worry, I’ll leave a trail of breadcrumbs if I have to.” 

Ten minutes later I’m in my car, following Jack’s truck as it crawls down the quiet Sunday streets and it dawns on me I’m not wearing any underwear. 

Oh man, as if the mere thought of brunching wasn’t enough of a nightmare it looks like I’m going to be doing it commando. 

Yippee, bring it on! 

* * *

So, here we are, me, Jack and Sam.Sunday Brunch with Mr. and Mrs. Springs and all the kiddies, me without my underwear and the main item on the menu is a whole heaping of weird.Let’s not forget nauseating. 

When we first walked in here Jack looked like a man who was being led by the nose to his last meal.Well, however much he may have initially been doing a fair impression of a condemned man, he’s gotten over it mighty quick.Apparently. 

Now I’m the one who needs to be put out of my misery. Any time would be good. 

Funny thing, for a guy who was previously hyperventilating about the possibility of being stuck with Sam at the end our ménage a trios, ever since he sat down he’s been acting anything but spooked, or like he’s in any particular hurry to get this over with, even.While he’s not actually, actively _encouraging_ her; that is to say not _outright_ flirting, well, not really, it’s not flirting, what he’s doing but whatever it is, it’s a lot more friendly and familiar than the way he usually is with her…which is… 

Disconcerting… 

He’s _not_ flirting with her. 

Is he?

He’s certainly paying a lot of attention to her, way more than the situation merits.That third wheel thing, I was joking when I called myself that before, but now it’s not so funny.For sure Sam could care less I’m here but Jack… 

He’s barely looked my way since the food came.Which was well over an hour ago.God, what am I saying, going on closer to two and even though we’re working through dessert, slowly, there’s still no end in sight. 

The original plan I thought we both agreed to was to get in and get this done and over with as quickly as possible, but the way Sam is carrying on and Jack is letting her we might be here well into the afternoon.And speaking of Sam, she’s flashed her teeth at Jack so many times I’m surprised he hasn’t been blinded by the glare and I swear, if she giggles one more time… 

Oh my God, what the hell is _this,_ now? 

“Mmmmmm, that looks really good, Sir,” Sam crams a forkful of cheesecake into her mouth and then heads the empty implement towards Jack’s plate.“Do you mind if I steal a little taste?” 

She’s not – she’s _not_ gonna try – eating – off his _plate!_ Jack’s plate?Uh huh, yeah, she is!He sees it, he knows what’s she’s doing…and…no way!I don’t believe what I’m seeing – he’s _letting_ her! _Smiling_ while she scoops a huge forkful of his – what the hell is he eating, anyway, it was something she suggested he order – and pops it in her mouth. 

I do not believe what I have just seen.Jack is even more territorial about his food, then – well, let’s just say he does _not_ share.When we were having Chinese at his place one night I tried to scoop one of his shrimp– he nearly broke my fingers.And yet – and yet – he just – _right in front of me too!_

Jack won’t let _me_ eat his stinking shrimp, and yet Sam can help herself to his stupid poofy pasty, no problem! 

Grrrrrrrrr!!!!! 

“Oh wow, that _is_ good,” Sam slurps down the last of her purloined pastry and simpers at Jack.“I almost wish I’d ordered what you’re having now.Fair is fair,” she dimples at him, and scoops a forkful of her cheesecake.Holding her hand under the laden fork she guides it towards Jack’s mouth. 

“Open up,” she giggles. 

Jack meekly submits to being handfed – in public - with much too much grace and more than a hint of actual satisfaction. 

I’m rapidly losing the will to live. 

Jack O’Neill has been my friend for more than seven years, my lover for three, he’s closer to me than any person alive, I know him better than anyone, or so I thought and yet, right now – this man sitting next to me wearing his face – I don’t even recognize him. 

I know for Sam’s sake we agreed to see this thing through gracefully, act like we’re having a good time, and although she won’t be getting exactly what she wanted at the end at least we’ll have made sure she has a pleasant meal with some friends, one who while he doesn’t _love_ her the way she thinks, nevertheless he does _care_ about her, hell, they _both_ do or they wouldn’t be doing this in the first place, but... 

From where I’m sitting Jack is getting a little lost in the part.This whole ‘he ‘n she’ cutsie-poo routine is way over the top, definitely more than the situation calls for.I don’t understand why he’s behaving like this, it’s stupid and dangerous; the idea was to let her down easy and make her feel good about herself _not_ feed the flames of her delusion.Dammit, if _this_ is the way he behaved on the night of that damned dinner no _wonder_ she thinks…what she thinks.And I can’t _believe_ he’s carrying on like this – with her – right in front of me!Is he _trying_ to make me jealous?I never thought Jack could ever be that petty or need that kind of stupid pointless validation from me.No, that can’t be it, that’s not it, Jack and I are solid, what he’s dong right now, it’s not about making me jealous, it’s got nothing to do with me at all, actually, but he’s also not pretending with Sam, he _is_ enjoying himself and totally digging the attention she’s giving him. 

And yeah, he _is_ flirting with her, damn him. 

I don’t understand. 

Or…wait a minute, wait a minute, maybe I do… 

Oh my God, it couldn’t be _that!_ Could it? 

Yeah, it could.Oh my God. 

All right, I get it now.The big picture.I know what’s going on; why Jack is acting like such an ass and what this entire romantic farce is really all about. 

I just needed to see them – together, for all the pieces to finally fall into place. 

As you can well imagine I’ve devoted a fair amount of time to pondering this particular conundrum: what Sam wants from Jack and why he’s been acting the way he has the whole time and not doing the one thing he needs to in order to make everything right. 

Sam’s part has been pretty easy to figure.What she sees – or _thinks_ she sees in Jack, that is.It’s got nothing to do with who he actually is as a person, I mean, let’s face it, she barely _knows_ him, nor, to be blunt, does she really care about Jack, the man. 

What Sam wants is the colonel. 

Sam isn’t the slightest bit interested in ‘Jack’ – hell, I don’t think she even really _likes_ him, for sure she doesn’t respect him and as far as ‘love’ is concerned, get real, if she actually _got_ him she’d lose interest pretty damned quick. 

That is if she didn’t kill him first. 

The colonel, however, that’s a different story.Let’s face it, as long as I’ve known Sam, she’s had some pretty significant power issues.As in she’s only attracted to men who have it.And as far as the SGC is concerned, after the general, Colonel O’Neill is the top of the heap.The leader of the SGC’s first team, the 2IC of the most prestigious command in the Air Force and if all of that didn’t make him a hot enough prospect he could very well have stars in his future – and we’re not talking about the ones in the sky. Colonel O’Neill is everything Sam thinks she wants in prospective husband, stepping stone and status symbol.He’ll definitely do as her best candidate for the position until she gets a better offer plus, because she’s in his immediate chain of command he comes with the added bonus of being ultimately unavailable and therefore utterly ‘safe’, so while she can have hours and hours of fun immersing herself in the fantasy, playing with the idea of romance, white picket fences and the whole domestic enchilada, unless she’s prepared to make some serious changes in her situation we all know she’ll never follow through with she won’t ever have to face the eventuality of _any_ of it actually becoming a reality and messily complicating hers. 

Back in the early days of SG1 things were simpler; Jack was a ‘Daddy” substitute and her ‘admiration’ for the colonel was confined pretty much to hero worship expressing itself in overachieving and a compulsive need for approval/validation from the colonel as her team leader, and I think we’d all be a whole lot happier if that’s the way it had stayed. However, learning civilian versions of herself had become romantically involved with _their_ colonels started her thinking along slightly more dangerous and unfortunate lines and… and ultimately convincing herself getting all gooey-eyed and stupid over _her_ colonel was a good idea too. 

Sam may think she’s in love with Jack but the whole thing is nothing more than a self-serving illusion.She’s in love with the idea of being in love with Jack – or more accurately – what really turns her crank is imagining _he’s_ in love with _her._

And speaking of egos, and the behaviour that feeds them… 

While Sam has been easy to figure what I’ve never been able to understand, up until now, that is, is why Jack has been dragging his heels about setting her straight.While he hasn’t been actually actively out and out encouraging her – nevertheless, he has been sort of, not exactly discouraging her either. 

He makes out like he’s scared of her, but come on; he has no problem putting her in her place when he has to.He can handle Sam, and he could tell her the truth and put an end to this whole…thing, no problem, if he really wanted to. 

Nor has he been putting off ‘the talk’ because he wants to ‘spare her feelings’.Leading someone on, encouraging their affection when you do not reciprocate because you claim you don’t want to hurt them with the truth – well that’s just about the meanest thing you could do to a person. Jack’s a better man than that, and he’d never be that intentionally cruel to anyone, especially Sam. 

And yet, he hasn’t set her straight.She’s made it more than clear to him the way she feels, and although he’s never, actually, directly, deliberately said or done anything…overt, to indicate to her he reciprocates, in any way, shape or form nevertheless what he _has_ done, simply by saying nothing, has been enough for her to run dewy-eyed and droolingly amok in the assumptions department. 

Leading us, inevitably, to where we are, here, and now. 

All he had to do, all he’s ever had to do was to sit her down and say, “Sam, I’m flattered, but I just don’t feel the way you think I feel.”Or something to that effect.Something, anything.But he never has.Although he’s freely admitted he should, and promised he would – and meant it. 

I believe him; that he means to, he intends to, he never truly ever meant for things to go as far as they have, even he can’t explain to himself or me why he hasn’t, and they have. 

Well, all these months of fruitless pondering and all it’s taken is a few minutes observing the two of them, actually…together, and the whole thing is suddenly… 

Crystal clear. 

If we’re talking strictly a mating of mis-guided egos, these two are made for each other. 

This is possibly the most absurd thing I’ve ever seen. What I was saying before, about Sam getting her romantic thrills over the idea of the colonel being in love with her – well, guess what I’ve just found out, _these_ particular feelings are mutual. 

Jack is just as tickled, and every bit as flattered about the idea of Sam – having a thing for _the colonel._

He _knows_ Sam wouldn’t look at _Jack_ twice, but the colonel?The idea what he is, the power he has, that someone like Sam would want _him_ simply because of those birds on his shoulder… 

He doesn’t actually want _her_ , not in a million years, any more than she really wants _him_ , but the _idea_ , the enormous ego-boo of having her make a fool of herself like this, over him… 

He’s _totally_ getting off on it, and all the attention he’s getting from her, the stupid son of a bitch! 

Of the pair of them I don’t know who’s the most pathetic, but you know what, I’ve had more than enough of this particular side show.I stick around for much more, I’ll be losing what little I’ve actually been able to eat of my lunch.Brunch.Whatever. 

I know none of this is about me, or us, Jack never intended any of this to hurt me, and I don’t think he even consciously realizes why he’s acting this way, but that still doesn’t make any of it right, and I’m not doing any of us any favours by continuing to turn a blind eye to this ludicrous little ego fest and enabling their weird co-dependent…delusions, so guess what, it’s gonna stop today. 

One of us has to be an adult here, and as usual, it’s gonna be me. 

I think it’s just about time I clued Jack in, and taught him a little lesson in the bargain. 

Yeah, that works. 

I’ve made up my mind and decided on my course of action, and then Sam gives me the perfect opportunity to set the whole thing in motion. 

“Excuse me for a moment Sir,” she says, setting her napkin on the table and starting to get to her feet.“I just need to – “ she smiles and gestures toward the back of the restaurant.“I’ll be right back, don’t go away!” 

Thank God she didn’t say ‘powder her nose’, I really would have hurled for sure. 

Jack watches her walk away and by the time he turns back to me I’m already on my feet, my wallet in my hand. 

“Danny?”Jack’s indulgent smile abruptly fades as he sees what I’m doing. 

“Well, I can see when I’m not wanted,” I crisply inform him, throwing a fifty on the table.“I’ll just leave you kids to it, then.Don’t worry, this one’s on me.Enjoy the rest of your meal, and your day,” I tell him coldly, turning on my heel to begin my stately stalk out of the restaurant.“I’m outta here.” 

“Daniel,” Jack pleads, grabbing my wrist.“You’re – you’re leaving me?I don’t understand.” 

This is hard, so hard, but it’s for his own good, for both of us, I can’t break now, can’t give into those damned dark and soulful eyes, not even when they look at me, like that, so hurt and confused… 

I break free of his hold and step away from the table.That little bit of distance… it’s just what I needed to find the strength to leave him. 

I can do this now.Heart of stone and eyes to match.Say it – and get the hell out. 

“I know you don’t,” I sternly inform him.But you’d better figure it out.I don’t want to hear from you until you do.” 

By the time he’s recovered enough to think about running after me, I’m already in my car.I head immediately for home to pick up a few things I’ll need for part 2 of Jack’s ‘lesson’. 

Once I get there I don’t waste any time packing my overnight bag with the requisite supplies.Although my recent actions have doubtless given Jack plenty of motivation to cut things short with Sam I’m pretty sure I can make my getaway long before they both get here.Her, to pick up her car and him… 

He will look, but he won’t find, that is, not until I’m ready to be found. 

Seven minutes, I’ve got everything I need, I’m out the door, in my car, headed out of town, feeling a little bit better, okay a whole lot better, about my decision and my actions. 

I’m doing the right thing and you know what else? 

I do believe I’m going to enjoy myself doing it. 

* * *

Well, given the unpleasant turn it took about mid-morning, this day hasn’t turned out so badly after all.The drive out here was pleasant.This is a really nice place.The view is certainly spectacular.I had a great time poking around in Manitou Springs and the walk there and back was quite invigorating.Although I didn’t much care for lunch, dinner was excellent. And now here we are, back in the room, which will definitely do. The décor is very tasteful, the bed certainly comfortable, and you know something else, it’s nice to finally have some real quality time to devote to some uninterrupted reading.I haven’t been able to do that lately, just kick back,  relax, and lose myself in a good book for several hours. It never fails, I just get settled, comfortable, I’m starting to get into the passage I’m reading and then the book goes one way and I go the other, usually pinned down by a flying colonel coming in for a one-point landing. 

Yeah, a few hours, all to myself, to just…read.Nice.I wouldn’t want it to be this way all the time, but just for today, for a change, it’s been…nice. 

Hmmm, let me see, what time is it?Seven-thirty.Well what do you think, Daniel, has Jack worked it out yet?Has he stewed long enough?Yeah, probably, I think he’s spent sufficient time out in the cold for the evening; I should let him off the hook. 

I’ll finish the chapter first. 

Okay, all done.I put the book down and reach for my cell on the nightstand.I turn it on and am in the middle of setting it back down when it rings. 

Woah, that didn’t take long. 

“Daniel, where the hell are you?” 

“We’ll get to that in a minute.When and if I feel like telling you.Have you figured it out yet?” 

“I’m – I’m calling you, aren’t I?” 

“Okay, I’m waiting.” 

“Daniel – I – I guess I screwed up pretty bad, didn’t I?” 

“You could say that.” 

“I was acting like a bit of an ass.” 

“A bit?” 

“Okay, a lot.Daniel, I swear I didn’t mean…you know I don’t...it’s just, she _likes_ me…and it was…when she gets like that -  it made me feel kinda....goofy…” 

“You can’t have it both ways, Jack.” 

“God, Daniel!I know that, and there’s no way – I don’t – not _her_ , not even a little bit, not ever, it’s not like that, it didn’t mean anything, ever, you know that, don’t you!” 

“Well, I do, but I think it’s just about time you figured it out too.” 

“I – I did.I do.I just didn’t realize what I was doing until – you walking out on me the way you did, scared the crap out of me.” 

“Good, it was supposed to.” 

“And then when I couldn’t find you – reach you…I – I thought.” 

“I know what you thought.You’re lucky it wasn’t the truth.” 

“I – I know.If it had been anyone else but you – seeing me carrying on…like that…with someone else…right in front of you…” 

“Shhh, Shhh, Jack, it’s okay, it’s okay, I know you meant no harm but you had to see what you were doing was wrong, before real harm was done.” 

“Yeah, you’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry.” 

“I know. So…what happened after I left?” 

“I – I told her.” 

“What, what did you tell her?” 

“I told her us – other than friends – probably not a good idea.” 

“Well that sounds…good.Did you say anything else?” 

“Yeah. I still had to explain that whole…dinner thing and the way I’ve been acting.I said I was sorry about what she thought, about her and me, but I’d changed my mind about getting…involved.I wasn’t ready.” 

“Okay, not so good.” 

“What?Why not?” 

“It still leaves the door open.You didn’t say you’ve never been interested, ever, just not interested _now_.It implies if she’s patient she’s still got a chance.” 

“When I _am_ ready.Awww crap.” 

“Well, at least you did say something.It’s a start.” 

“So, feel like telling me where you are now?” 

The Eagle Motel in Manitou Springs.” 

“I know the place.” 

“Room Five.The syrup bottles and paint brushes are ready and waiting.” 

“I’ll be there in fifteen.” 

“I’ll be naked.” 

“I’m already in the truck, don’t start without me.” 

No. Never.Just, come to me my love, and everything will be all right. 

Besides, there’s no way in hell Sam will find us here! 


	4. Strange Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam tries to be 'one of the boys.'
> 
> Warning: Not recommended for Sam or pizza fans. anti s/j

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know this is part of the Holiday Follies series, but it's not a holiday fic, per se, although one is mentioned. I couldn't find one to fit the scenario. I'm sorry. I'll try harder next time. Hey, it's my series, I can bend the rules if I want to! Also, this may be turning into an AU (or should that be AR) series, mainly because I'll be kinda picking and choosing and adjusting the various canon elements I need for each story as it moves into season eight. Some things that happened at the end of season seven, going into season eight I'm not nuts about and I refuse to recognize them. But for now, for this one, nothing has diverged significantly from canon yet. Oh, and thanks very much to my list sibs on the alpha gate for providing me with the toppings for Sam's pizza! Hope you enjoy the results!
> 
> Completed 15 July 06.

Mmmmmm….so long, so thick, so chocolaty… 

  Um - focus, Daniel, focus!You had a lovely weekend, wonderfully exciting, but it’s over and now it’s back to work.We’re not going to be going off-world for the next three days; there’s no excuse for not bucking down and tackling this backlog of…stuff, so get your mind off other…stuff, and get down…to it. 

I can’t help it, images of Jack in all his priapic , chocolate-covered glory… 

It’s hard to concentrate as long as I keep remembering how incredible he is when he’s…. hard. 

Not to mention tasty… 

With a sigh I resolutely push aside images of chocolate phalluses dancing through my head, reluctantly reaching for the first folder from atop the precariously leaning stack of same currently taxing my groaning inbox. 

I’ve barely cracked my chosen victim open when Sam comes strolling into my office.What is she doing here, it’s only just turned nine AM – excuse me, make that oh nine hundred hours; if she drops in at all, which to be honest, lately, is practically never, it’s certainly not _this_ early in the day. 

She looks extremely cheerful.Almost excessively so.Should I be concerned? 

“Hey Daniel,” she greets me, perching her hip on a corner of my desk.“I’m glad you’re feeling better.” 

What?What’s she talking about? 

“Um…better?” 

Than what, perchance? 

“Sunday,” she supplies, her eyes raking over the objects on my desk like she’s looking for something.“The colonel said you left early because you weren’t feeling well.I’m glad to see you’re over it,” she smiles, finally looking at _me_.“Whatever it was.” 

“Oh, that,” I shrug. “It must have been something I ate.” 

“Certainly couldn’t have been the company,” she grins again. 

Ooookay, what the heck is going on here; no matter what she’s saying Sam didn’t stop by to inquire after my health. She’s known about my supposed malady since yesterday: if she was that ‘concerned’ she’d have phoned to check up on me, which she didn’t, so that’s not it, and like I said before it’s not like she makes a habit, especially lately, of dropping by just to shoot the breeze, or whatever. 

No, other than the perpetual quest for Jack there’s not much that can tear her away from the various assorted and sundry esoteric off-world technological mysteries her lab is fairly burgeoning with.Sam never abandons her post and shoots my way these days unless there is something very specific on her mind. 

Wondering what it could possibly be…that’s what’s got me…concerned. 

Now, hold the phone just a minute, Daniel, you’re not being fair to Sam, sure, okay, maybe that’s the way it’s been for the past…oh wow, quite a long time, now, actually, come to think of it, but anyway, give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe, just maybe she doesn’t have an ulterior motive, maybe she really _did_ just stop by to see me.Sure, it hasn’t happened a lot recently, but that doesn’t mean that maybe Sunday made her realize we haven’t exactly been…close…lately and she’s decided to do something about it, mend a few fences, rebuild some bridges, make a fresh start. 

Hey, that could be what’s going on here.Let’s just hear her out and hope for the best. 

“So, Daniel,” she ventures casually, swinging her leg for just the right ‘I didn’t really come here with the specific intention of picking your brains, I was just passing by and as long as I’m here I thought I’d ask’, effect.

“You spend a lot of time with the colonel, right?” 

Okey doke, here we go. So much for that idea.Hoping I was wrong, but, of course… 

No. 

Oh Sam, it never used to be like this.We spent a lot of time together, hanging out, doing lunch, loitering around each other’s offices for hours, talking about all sorts of stuff, even things that had absolutely _nothing_ to do with Jack.Whatever happened to just, talking, and being together, simply because we enjoyed each other’s company, not because one of us, usually you, had an agenda? 

Once upon a time I was your friend, not simply a means to your ends. 

I miss that Sam, I miss her a lot, actually, but right now she’s not here and I have to deal with the Sam I have. 

“Yeah,” I casually return, looking back down at the folder splayed out on my desk.As much as I was previously procrastinating about diving into my work right now I’d give anything to be knee-deep in translations as opposed to having this conversation. 

“So,” she picks up my pen and starts examining it.“What do you guys _do?”_

Fuck like bunnies?As often as we can?Take one colonel twice before bedtime, repeat frequently, and don’t call me in the morning? 

What, what’s your problem, you asked! 

Nah, I can’t say that to her.I’d love to, but I can’t. 

“Oh, I don’t know,” I shrug and reclaim my pen.Hey, it’s mine, call me petty if you will but I have a real problem with people messing with my…stuff. 

She wants a pen to play with she can find her own. 

Mine’s taken. 

“Stuff,” I toss off with a casual wave. 

“Like?” she leans forward, prompting. 

“I dunno, hang out,” I shrug again, desperately casting about for ways to answer the question without being too specific.Or making things sound too interesting, because I’m getting those creepy vibes again. 

“And do what?” she presses. 

Dammit, I’m going to _have_ to get more specific; she’s not gonna let this go. 

“Oh, I dunno, we order a pizza, drink some beer, watch the game or a movie or whatever, sit around, burp, grunt, fart, scratch our balls,” I rattle off, trying to make things sound as mundane as possible.“Nothing special.You know, guy stuff,” I finish casually. 

_ Nothing you’d be interested in.  _

“Okay!” she says brightly, pushing herself off my desk.“Thanks Daniel!” she beams.“I’ll see you later!” 

And she’s off, striding briskly out of my office, a considerable spring in her step. 

Oh dear, what just happened here and why am I desperately hoping her parting remark was simply a figure of speech… 

And not something else she’s figuring. 

* * *

“Hey honey, I’m home,” I jokingly call out to Jack after I close the front door and drop my brief case beside it. 

“Save it, ‘sweetheart’,” Jack bellows back at me from the kitchen.“You’d better have remembered the Tabasco sauce or you can just turn around, get your ass out the door and go get it.” 

Ah, love, ain’t it grand? 

“Yeah, I got it,” I holler back at him, fishing the plastic bag containing said requested condiment out of my coat pocket while en route to the kitchen.“I had to go out of my way to get this, I’ll have you know, not that you give a damn.And as long as I’m bitching, I don’t see why the responsibility for procuring this fell upon _my_ shoulders, I don’t need it, I’m not cooking.Why didn’t you pick it up yourself, you lazy bastard?” 

Jack stops chopping as I spoon up behind him, wrap my arms around him and plant a kiss on the side of his neck. 

“You do if you plan on eating tonight,” he mildly returns.“And as to why I didn’t get it, well, I forgot,” he cheerfully admits.“By the time I remembered we were out I was already here.Besides, fetching and carrying, that’s what I’ve got you for.” 

“Huh, and here’s me thinking the only reason you keep me around was for the hot sex.” 

“Well, there’s that, too,” Jack chuckles, twisting around in my embrace to wrap his arms around my waist.“Gimme,” he growls. 

From the lustful gleam in his eye I don’t think he’s talking about the Tabasco sauce. 

“My pleasure,” I manage to get out before Jack’s mouth clamps onto mine. 

Jack kisses me hungrily, like he hasn’t seen me for a week, even though it’s only been a few hours since the last time we…kissed, but I’m having no problems with the fervor of his greeting.In fact it gets much more avid there won’t be much cooking happening in either one of our immediate futures, at least not in the kitchen – 

“Yoo hoo!”A bright female voice sounds from the front hall.“The door was open, Sir, I hope you don’t mind I let myself in!” 

“Shit!”Jack and I yelp simultaneously, springing apart like scalded, spooked cats, flushed and hyperventilating with shock as the unexpected interloper rounds the corner. 

“Hi guys!”Sam cheerily greets us, teeth flashing in a face splitting grin.She sallies bravely forward, apparently oblivious to the fact we’re both red-faced, panting and more than a bit…. mussed. 

Well that is, if she’s noticed she’s not saying. 

“Carter?”Jack croaks, watching wide-eyed and horrified while Sam proudly sets what looks suspiciously like a large pizza box and a case of beer on the dining room table.“Um…what?” 

Oh, God.I know.Just as I suspected, Sam’s visit this morning wasn’t social.It was reconnaissance. 

And I’m the schmuck who gave her the intel. 

Ooooh boy.Jack is gonna _kill_ me. 

“Don’t worry, Sir, I’ve got the pizza tonight,” Sam beams happily at us.“And the beer.” 

But – but we were having pork chops.With Jack’s special killer hot sauce, if his sending me on a side trip for the Tabasco sauce was any indication of his ultimate plans for those delectable looking chops currently sitting abandoned in the casserole dish on the counter waiting to be sauced… 

“Um, yeah, I can see that, but - but – “Jack stutters. 

“I know I probably should have called,” Sam admits with a rueful grimace.“You know you said once we should hang out more, and yesterday you said you wanted to be friends, so, well, I started thinking doing that would be a good way to get to know each other and _be_ friends, and there’s no time like the present, so here I am!” 

Tah dah. 

“Yeah,” Jack says weakly, giving her a sickly smile.“Hanging out. I did say that, didn’t I?And here you are.” 

He did?You did?When was this? 

I never thought I’d ever hear myself saying _this_ but dammit Jack, you talk too much! 

“You don’t mind, do you, Colonel?” she asks, hesitantly, for the first time giving a faint indication she’s realized that possibly, maybe, by showing up here unannounced and uninvited and definitely unexpected she might have been slightly… 

Presumptuous?Out of line?Down-right _rude?_

Not to mention just plain not wanted? 

And then the smug grin settling on her face the second she finishes speaking, the knowing gleam in the eyes she fastens on Jack while awaiting his answer abruptly puts the boots to _that_ absurd notion. 

I mean, what was I thinking? 

“Mind?” Jack sighs, skeptically eyeing the closed pizza box lying on his dining table we both can’t help but notice is emanating  odours neither one of us normally associate with…pizza. 

Or anything else even remotely edible. 

What the hell is _on_ that thing and do we _really_ want to know? 

“Of course I don’t mind,” he lies valiantly, rallying enough to  favour her with a semi-sincere smile.“Pizza, huh?” he croaks after clearing his throat, fearfully fingering a corner of the box, clearly with the intention of flipping it back and checking out what lies beneath. 

He’s a braver man than I am, that’s all I can say. 

“It’s great to see you, Carter,” Jack says, starting to cautiously lift the lid, eyes narrowed suspiciously.“But…what’s with the - the…” 

He can’t quite bring himself to say ‘pizza’ – especially as whatever it is we’re smelling hasn’t yet been sufficiently threat-assessed to ascertain whether or not it’s even _edible_ , never mind classifiable as the aforementioned entrée.Yeah, we can both read what the box says; it proclaims the contents as pizza, but it’s from a place neither one of us recognizes, so the box, it could _lie!_

“The pizza and the beer?Oh, Daniel said this is what you usually do when you hang out,” Sam lands me in it with enough cheerful enthusiasm to overwhelm a regiment of clinical depressives.“So I figured as long as I was inviting myself over I shouldn’t come empty-handed.” 

“Oh, he _did_ , did he?”Jack’s eyes flick up from the half-raised lid of the pizza box and he fires me a murderous glare. 

Why are you looking at me like that, Brunch Boy?It’s not like I make a habit of shooting _my_ mouth off and all but handing Sam engraved invitations to barge in on us unannounced, unlike some _other_ people I could mention.Especially the one who is currently giving me attitude for one little teeny, tiny lapse of judgment while _he’s_ been racking up the stupid points left, right and centre! 

This is my first offence, and it only happened because I foolishly gave Sam credit for being a much better person that it seems she’s turning out to be.

A mistake I won’t be making again. 

You’ve got a lot more to answer for in the slipped lip department than me, Jack, my lad, so hold the anchovies as well as the attitude and let’s just get through this as best we can. 

Jack’s nose wrinkles, I can see he’s barely suppressing a grimace what with the full force aromas from the now fully revealed pizza hitting him face on.He leaves off glaring at me to risk a quick glance below at what could possibly be generating such olfactory offensiveness. 

I’m not following suit: what I’m smelling is bad enough; I’m not quite ready to actually look at it yet, thank you very much. 

“I wasn’t sure what you’d like so I thought I’d take a chance and bring you something really special,” Sam pipes up.“It’s my favourite kind of pizza.” 

“What is it?”Jack says dumbly, eyes riveted to Sam’s malodorous, but well meant offering. 

“Let me see, there’s sun-dried tomatoes - ” 

“Tomatoes,” Jack echoes, barely audibly.“That’s – that’s…okay, tomatoes….” 

Belong on a pizza. Which ordinarily would be very okay indeed, but she said ‘sun dried’, an entirely different…vegetable. 

Or would that be fruit?Either way, not quite the same thing. 

As Jack is unhappily discovering. 

“Where are they?” Jack finally whines, after several seconds of futilely scanning the pizzal topography in an unsuccessful attempt to visually detect any tomato traces. 

“There, Sir,” Sam helpfully points at something.I can’t tell exactly what from where I’m standing, deliberately out of smelling distance, or whether what she’s just obligingly identified bears even a passing resemblance to tomatoes, or not, but the expression on Jack’s face tells me all I need to know.

Definitely…not. 

“Oh,” he says weakly.“That’s them, huh? I never would have guessed.” He takes a deep breath.“Those little white…lumps. All over.I don’t suppose that’s the Mozzarella?” he ventures hopefully. 

From the smell, I’m guessing that’s a no too. 

“Well, you’re partly right,” Sam laughs.“It’s cheese, but not Mozza.Feta.It’s much more flavourful than plain old Mozzarella and is an interesting contrast to the pesto sauce.” 

Oh my, that explains the _some_ of the smell, but not all, by any means.Even from this distance I’m detecting a distinctly…distinct _fishy_ aroma - _way_ over and above what one might expect from an anchovy or two being tossed on top - intermingling unpleasantly with the fetid feta and there’s no way _that_ smell is coming from the first two identified ingredients.Or the sauce, which isn’t derived from tomatoes either, apparently. 

Marine Surprise Pizza.Oh my… __

Jack’s eyes dart up, seeking me. _Help me_ , they silently scream from across the table. 

He’s been exceptionally brave so far, but I can plainly see he doesn’t have the heart to go on.I guess considering I’ve so far shamelessly opted for the path of least visual offensiveness like the unrepentant chickenshit I am, the least I can do is throw him a bone, take over taking point and bear the brunt of the rest of the unsavoury revelations. 

Hey, I once threw myself in front of a staff blast for this man, how bad can _this_ be? 

“So, a couple of…interesting choices.Not ones I would have thought of but…interesting.” 

No Jack, I’m not going to say what I really think any more than you are so quit glaring at me.This isn’t _my_ house, remember, I’m not in any way obligated to play the gracious host, I can still save myself, get the hell out of here with my taste buds unsullied and leave you to choke it down with Sam on your own. 

“Yep, interesting. So, what else is on it, Sam?” I ask the question Jack can’t bring himself to voice, courageously drawing her fire. 

Her big blue eyes swing my way and she opens her mouth to let me have it. 

Did I mention the staff blast…thing? 

“Some really good stuff, trust me, Sir,” she says to me, but she’s really talking to Jack.“Lemme see, for starters, there’s tuna.“Dolphin safe, of course,” she dimples. 

Well, naturally.Good God. 

Hurray for the dolphins.I’m so happy they don’t have anything to worry about vis a vis having to suffer for the sake of vile pizza.The tuna and the rest of us poor victims here should be so lucky. __

Tuna?Did she really say tuna?On pizza?Okay, now that’s just wrong, on so many levels. It’s more than wrong; it’s so cosmically – incorrect – it’s almost akin to violating the basic principles of the universe.It’s certainly bucking every unwritten but nevertheless sacrosanct precept of proper pizza construction. 

The unbelieving horror in Jack’s eyes eloquently echoes my sentiments on this. 

Now let me just say one thing here, in my defense, in case anyone is thinking we’re being unduly squeamish about a mere pizza, I’m not exactly…inexperienced…in the gastronomic department.I’ve eaten around some. Although I’m primarily an archaeologist the anthropological aspect of my chosen profession has required me, while out in the field on both sides of the gate, to occasionally have to venture into some pretty kinky culinary territory, all in the interests of diplomacy and good interplanetary relations and all that sort of…thing.I have partaken of some pretty – out there, and I do mean _waaaay_ out there – stuff.I like to think I have a fairly open mind, not to mention an adventurous palate, although I do draw the line at symbiotes, barbequed, or…not, and a dash of culinary curiosity.I’m not scared to try new things, really, I mean, you’d be surprised how many things in the universe, no matter how awful they look or smell, taste exactly like chicken. 

Seriously.

So, having said all that, I don’t know why I’m making such a big deal about this; compared to some of the stuff I’ve managed to choke down and survive in the past, Sam’s weird ass pizza should be a walk in the park. 

Bring it on girlfriend, you don’t scare me: what’s a few unusual terrestrial ingredients thrown on a pizza, I’ve eaten baaka entrails dipped in a lovely sauce made mostly from the baaka’s blood along with a few other questionable ingredients I figured I was better off not knowing about and didn’t even throw up. 

“Eggplant, broccoli, spinach, leeks, bean sprouts.” 

I take it all back. 

John the Baptist coming off his forty days in the wilderness, confronted with _this_ mess as his first meal would turn tail and run screaming back into the desert. 

Locusts and wild honey are definitely sounding like a much safer bet. 

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot! Mushrooms!” she finishes with a giggle. 

“Where?” Jack yelps, latching onto the one, identifiable, genuine, acceptable ingredient in the bizarre mix. 

“There,” Sam points at one of the large, amorphous black blobs festooning the unmentionable mess. 

“It doesn’t look like a mushroom,” he bleats. 

“They’re shitake mushrooms, Colonel, I know they look kind of,” she shrugs.“But don’t let that put you off, they’re really tasty.” 

“Shit,” Jack mumbles. 

As in, looks like.He doesn’t say it, but he’s sure thinking it. 

“Well, it sure is white,” Jack finally observes with a mournful sigh.“I don’t suppose there’s some pepperoni hiding in there somewhere.” 

“Nope, it’s completely meatless,” Sam proudly informs him.“Much better for you that way.” 

“Oh,” Jack murmurs.“And that’s what’s really important…when it comes to pizza.” 

Honestly, this just keeps getting worse and worse.You wouldn’t think there would be so many ways to violate pizza but somehow Sam has managed to get it completely wrong in just about every possible way. 

I’m just waiting for her to tell us it’s got a whole-wheat crust or something equally blasphemous and that will pretty much do it. 

Jack, bless him, he’s really trying to be a good sport about this, but after what’s been done to this poor pie, well it’s way more than a man should have to bear, especially one who loves his pizza as much as Jack does.The only thing that would have hurt him even more is if she’d – 

No, no, can’t think of anything much worse, this is pretty much as bad as it gets.This is really bad. I swear he’s gonna cry any second now. 

Oooh, not gonna be pretty.I can’t look. 

“What, no blue jello?”Jack says with a lame grin. 

“Don’t be silly, Sir, you don’t put jello on pizza!” Sam shakes her head fondly at him. 

Don’t look at Jack, don’t - don’t look, mustn’t look, will start laughing if you look, laughing bad, really, really bad ohgodohgodohgod don’t laugh! 

Sam glances at both of us, Jack manfully swallowing his grief and me holding back an entirely different impulse and oh, lookit here, I think, I think, I think, yeeeees, the light has finally dawned, it is just hitting her that maybe, just maybe we’re not as jazzed about her prize pizza as she is. 

“Look, guys,” she frowns.“I know it looks, kind of – different, but it really does taste great!” 

Yeah, I’m gonna buy this from a woman who drinks diet coke.On purpose.Because she likes the taste. 

“And, not only that – everything on it is really healthy!” 

Healthy.Oh well, that changes _everything_. Everybody knows it’s a universal given anything that’s good for you is almost always, without fail, so gosh darned yummy as well! 

We’re doomed. 

“I have it all the time. Give it a chance, I know you’ll love it as much as I do!” she gushes confidently. 

Uh huh, I’m sure, seeing as how you know _so_ much about what Jack’s culinary preferences, as evidenced by Exhibit Ewwwww here, currently stinking up the dining room. 

Oh well, the evening is not a total loss; at least she got the beer right. 

“Well, I guess we’d better tuck in before it gets cold,” Sam states, starting to make for the kitchen like she owns the place, or really wants to.“Why don’t you guys grab a beer and make yourselves comfortable I’m sure I’ll have no trouble finding my way around your kitchen, Sir, I’ll just rustle up some plates and – “ 

“No!”Jack abruptly barks, her sudden intention to further penetrate into his territory snapping him out of his pizza-induced stupor.“I mean,” he quickly amends, to head off the hurt expression commencing to gallop across her face.“You’re the guest here it wouldn’t be – tell you what,” he deftly selects a beer from the case and hands it to her, complete with a gracious, hundred watt, melty-eyed O’Neill full bore high beam, charm ’em right out of their pants smile that has me briefly seeing little green-eyed monsters dancing before my eyes even though I know why he’s doing it…still… 

I just – when he – that – that smile, he’s just so fucking – and he _knows_ it, knows all he has to do to get _whatever_ he wants from practically _anybody -_

Arrrgh! 

Don’t go there, Daniel, don’t, don’t, it won’t help, and besides, it’s nothing, you know what’s going on just…get a grip, it doesn’t _mean_ diddley, it’s purely a tactical move. 

What’s more, it’s gonna work. 

Damn that man and his ‘you know you want me’ smile, he’s taken me out at the knees with it more than once even though I know all his tricks; Sam doesn’t have a chance. 

“Here you go, Carter,” he presses the beer into her hands, his voice low and velvety.Just this side of bedroom. My green imps start Riverdancing with a vengeance and I have to start swatting again. 

“Why don’t you take this down to the living room and get comfy.I’ll bring everything down and we can pig out there.” 

Sure enough, the smile’s the charm, and she sure is, charmed that is, practically putty in his hands, complete with drool.Eyes a flutter, she clutches her beer to her heaving bosom and scampers on her way, no doubt to install herself in the best vantage point in the room for implementing her acquisitions strategy while she waits to be waited on hand and foot by her adoring colonel. 

She’s so gone she hasn’t even noticed I’m not following her, having been snagged by the arm by said colonel, who then proceeds to haul me into the kitchen.Pretty sure I’m not gonna get either the smile or the voice, and for sure there isn’t going to be much adoring in _my_ immediate future. 

Beaucoup de bitching though. 

“There isn’t enough beer in the world to make me eat that fucking shit,” Jack snarls once Sam is safely out of earshot. 

“Stop being such a baby,” I snap back at him, breaking free of his hold and rummaging in the cutlery drawer for the requisite utensils to accompany the plates he’s angrily snatching out of the cupboard. 

“Jack, you ate candied eyeballs on P7A 401 last week and didn’t even blink.How much worse can this be?” 

“Eating shit off-world is part of the job.” 

Jack slams the plates down on the counter, slams the lid on the casserole dish and slams it, and the chops, alas, into the fridge. 

Bye bye pork chops.Okay, now I’m gonna cry. 

“I don’t take my work home with me, so I sure as shit don’t have to _eat_ shit in my own house on my own time!” 

“Well, okay, then, fine, you go down there and tell Sam she can take her shitty pizza and get the hell out of here.” 

“I can’t do that!” 

“Then shut up and eat it, shit and all.” 

“Tuna, Daniel, who in the hell puts _tuna_ on a pizza, and what the hell is pesto sauce?” 

“It’s a white pasta sauce generally attributed to the Liguria region of Northern Italy made from a combination of basil, garlic, Parmesan cheese, olive oil and pine nuts or walnuts, but that’s not important right now, what is – you have two choices here, and you know what they are.You told Sam you wanted the two of you to be just friends; she’s obviously taken you at your word.She’s showed up here expecting to hang out, because _you_ said she could.So, you either go down there and tell her you _didn’t_ mean what you said, and she should go home and stop bothering you or – “ 

“I go down there and make nice and eat the fucking pizza,” Jack sighs, hanging his head.“I can’t tell her to get lost, I did say we should just be friends and I did sort of, open the door about the whole, hanging out…thing…” 

“Yeah, about that – “ 

“I can’t believe she actually _remembered_ it, it was _years_ ago, and ironically enough, pizza was involved on that occasion as well.It was back when that Orlin character was floating around her place, only we didn’t know that then, just that something hinky was going on with her, you remember, you suggested Teal’c and I should go over there, check and see if she was okay, well, while I was there I _might_ have said something along the lines of, we should hang out because we never do, I had to say _something_ to explain why we’d come over, but I meant _all_ of us, not just – her and me.And so, here we are.” 

“Yep.” 

“I’ve gotta do this, but you – “ 

“Yes, Jack, I’m with you all the way.I’ll eat my share, tuna and all.” 

“So it’s definitely a fromage a trois,” he deadpans. 

“Let’s just…get down there and get this over with.It’s just one evening, and one pizza.We can do this.” 

“Yeah, we can.I love you, you know.” 

“You’d better.And by the way, if I need my stomach pumped afterwards I’m sending you the bill.” 

“We could dial up P7A 401 and send out for more candied eyeballs for dessert.They’re not so bad, really, once you get over the whole having your food staring at you…thing.A little crunchier than you’d expect but – “ 

“Jack?” 

“Daniel?” 

“Shut up.” 

* * *

Oh God, I’ve got so much work to do, and it seems like everybody wants it yesterday.Well, even the indispensable need to eat, and certain people’s opinions to the contrary, I don’t work through as many meal breaks as they think I do, as evidenced by the fact I have temporarily deserted my post to stuff my face at the approximately the appropriate time the military has allotted for lunch consumption, but now I have returned, and here we are –

And here’s Jack. 

Jack’s sitting at my computer, scowling at the screen.What is he doing here, and why is he tying up my computer when he’s got a perfectly good one in his own office? 

I don’t know so why don’t I ask him? 

“Jack, what are you doing here?” I demand, continuing into my office and slapping the folder I’ve been carrying down on my desk. 

Jack slowly raises his head, eyebrow arched in reaction to the tone of my voice. 

Okay, I admit it; that came out a little more – snippy – than I intended.I’ve been slightly, on edge, for the last few days, but we won’t get into that right now. 

“I’m Googling,” Jack loftily informs me, sniffing with mild affront before turning his attention back to the screen. 

“Okay, I’m sorry I snapped at you – I didn’t mean – “ 

Jack airily waves away the rest of my begrudging apology, his eyes still riveted to whatever he’s searching for. 

“Okay, so you’re Googling,” I try again, taking a deep breath so whatever I say will sound a little less…you know, even though I am still annoyed.I have work to do and it’s kinda hard to get on with it with him sitting there. 

“But what I mean is – why are you doing it _here_?You have a computer, and you also have a desk, whether it suits you to acknowledge their existence or not.They’re both waiting for you in the office you also frequently disavow any knowledge of.” 

“Oh, that,” Jack murmurs with a shrug. “Yours is closer.” 

Making it of course, more convenient for _you_ , but in the meantime what am I supposed to do? 

Barely resisting the impulse to scream I try again. 

“Jack – I need you to – I need to get back to work!” 

“No, Daniel,” Jack calmly returns.“You need a vacation. _We_ need a vacation.Which is why I am here.” 

That made absolutely no sense, and my utter confusion must be showing, because Jack sighs and sadly shakes his head like he’s realized he’s dealing with a mental defective and is going to have to start using smaller words or something. 

Although where you’d find a word smaller than ‘D’oh!’ I don’t know. 

“Daniel, you and I both know, bad cheese jokes and occasional fantasies aside, a perpetual threesome was _not_ the configuration either one of us had in mind for the rest of our relationship.” 

Oh no, here we go, he’s not gonna throw that ‘it’s only one night, one pizza’ thing back in my face again.How the hell was I supposed to know – 

“Carter has been over every night we haven’t been off world, so need I remind you it’s been…. _far_ too long since we’ve had any ‘quality time’… 

Translation: fucked, boinked, banged the drum, done the horizontal mambo, screwed our brains out, whammed, bammed, thank you Dan, done any heavy necking, even. 

“And quite frankly, you’re starting to get a bit hard to live with.” 

Me? _Me_?I’m getting hard to live with?Why, you arrogant _bastard_ , you’re the one who almost _shot_ me the other night because I tried to change the channel! 

My angry rejoinder dies in my throat as Jack’s dark, sad eyes suddenly meet mine, his expression wistful and longing. 

“I miss you,” he says softly. 

Even though he sees me every day, and most of the evening, for that matter, I know exactly what he means. 

You see, ever since the bad pizza night, Sam has been a constant in our down time universe, which has had some serious consequences for the intimate side of our relationship, as you can well imagine.Not only have we not been able to sleep together, we haven’t been able to _sleep_ together either. 

Just too risky for either one of us to pull an overnighter, either at his place or mine.Sam won’t leave until I leave, which is usually pretty late, and once I’ve gone, I can’t really go back, and Jack can’t really come over to my place – it’s complicated, but trust me… 

It’s just safer to stay in our own respective beds. 

Safer, but a whole lot more lonely. 

“Yeah,” I tell him sincerely.“I miss you too.Not been sleeping so good.” 

“Me neither,” he nods. 

Now I feel like a schmuck for getting mad at him earlier, and also for not… 

You see, it just hit me, although I have noticed we’ve both been getting on each other’s nerves recently, this is really the first time I’ve thought about it, and why.I haven’t wanted to admit it to Jack, but even though it’s been…inconvenient… in some ways, to have Sam constantly around, I’ve kinda been enjoying it.Being able to hang out with her, and talk to her, just like we used to, it’s almost like good old times. 

And she seems really happy too, and not just because she’s getting to be around Jack. 

At least I like to _think_ the getting to reconnect with me, part of things, she’s liking that as much as I am. 

I hope so. 

“Carter certainly seems to be enjoying herself,” Jack softly continues, like he’s just picked the thought right out of my head. 

“Yeah, she’s really happy, isn’t she?” 

“And you like having her around, don’t you?” 

Shit.This man scares me sometimes the way he can just – 

I can’t hide anything from him.But then, I don’t need to; he’s Jack. 

“Yeah,” I admit, hanging my head.“She’s my friend.Or, at least she used to be.Before – “ 

I bite my tongue and shut up, having already said more than I meant to.I don’t want to blame Jack for what happened between Sam and I, I’m sure it wasn’t just that, things got awfully complicated in all of our lives back then and for awhile none of us were really – connecting – as well as we used to and then I… 

I really don’t want to think about that, and I’m sure Jack doesn’t want to be reminded either. 

“Before I bailed on you and took Carter with me and started this whole mess in the first place.” 

Jack’s gentle but frank admission is as uncompromising as the fierce devotion and affection in his expression. 

“I had my head up my ass for a long time, running away screaming from the best thing that ever happened to me, and I did a lot of stupid things I can never take back before I finally figured it all out. I don’t count hiding behind Carter as the worst thing, although it was pretty bad.No, what I did to you was far worse. I hurt you, Daniel, and while I was being such an ass you lost both of us, and then…we lost you.” 

Jack looks away, blinking hard.I should say something, but, feeling pretty gut-punched, here.Although we both know what happened, and why, he’s never come right out and…. 

We’ve just never talked about it.We put it behind us and…moved on.I was okay with that, and I thought, so was he, I didn’t really need him to, to say anything about it, or apologize, even, but now that he has… 

I should…say something. 

“But – it’s okay now.Things are good.We’re good, that’s all that matters.” 

“Some things are good,” Jack nods.“Some things are great, never doubt that. Others…not so good.” 

And then I get it.The second emotional blow to my solar plexus knocks my legs out from under me and I collapse into my chair. 

Jack says nothing, watching me sit there and hyperventilate, a mildly curious expression on his face. 

“You gonna live?” he finally inquires. 

Okay, I can talk now. 

“All this time I thought, what you’ve been doing, putting up with Sam – I thought – “ 

“I know what you thought,” he smiles deprecatingly.“But then, that’s the way you are Daniel, it’s always the other guy first, always everybody else but you.” 

Omigawd, I can’t talk again.Everything Jack has done since that first night Sam showed up, every bad meal he’s eaten without a single complaint, from vile pizza to that godawful meatloaf she tried to cook last night, every chick flick and bad sci fi movie he’s sat through without so much as a whimper, every conversation Sam and I have gotten into that’s gone over his head he’s endured with quiet, uncharacteristic patience and nary an eye roll or a sarcastic comment, every night he’s walked us both to the door and said good-bye to me with Sam watching our every move – all of that – why he did it even though he could have ended it after a couple of nights, could have ended it any time, and yet he hasn’t, and clearly doesn’t intend to because I thought…I thought… 

I thought he was – is - doing it for her, all this unusual tolerance and endurance, it’s been all about making Sam happy but – but – but – 

“Daniel, Carter and I have about as much in common as me and bread mould.Honestly, I don’t give a rat’s ass about what she does, except that she does it, she does it very well and she does it when I need her to.As to her likes and dislikes and her feelings, I know all I need to know about her in order for us to relate effectively as team leader and subordinate.Over and above that I’ve got no interest whatsoever in discovering what makes her tick, nor do I possess any great, burning desire or ambition to be her buddy. Sure I care about her and all, as one of my kids, but making her day doesn’t figure all that high on my list of priorities. You however,” he says sternly, affixing me with a serious stare, “Are another story, pal.What make _you_ happy is of the utmost importance to me.Nothin’ matters more, babe.” 

I don’t know what to say. 

“I took your friend away from you and that hurt you, bad.Getting the two of you back together – fixing that – well, let’s just say I’m willing to put up with a lot to make it right.If it makes you happy, it’s more than worth it.Besides, it hasn’t been too horrible. I’m getting a really kick out of watching the two of you together – of watching _you_ – how wound up you get when the pair of you really get into it, and how you kick her butt nine times out of ten in the debate department.You’re the only person I know who can think rings around Carter, and talk her under the table to boot and I’ve got my own private ringside seat for the show.You’re shining again.I don’t really mind I’m not the only one who can make you glow like that.” 

Okay, now I’m the one who has to look away and blink. 

If my mouth would work there’s so much I want to say to him right now, but as it is I have to restrain a nearly irresistible impulse to… 

I want to go to him and just…just hold him, and that would say it all and then some, tell him everything he needs to know I can’t get out right now, that’s what I really want to do but I can’t. 

Goddamned stupid security cameras. 

“About Carter,” Jack suddenly says.“You guys still carpooling?” 

“Yeah,” I say after a minute or two.I have to swallow this lump that’s crowding my throat, and then the talking thing?I’ll be able to manage it. 

He sits, waiting patiently for me to continue. 

“She picks me up most mornings, now, or…me, her.And then of course, whomever is driving that day takes both of us over to your place – and then home again.” 

Which is of course the main reason why Jack and I can’t overnight anymore. 

“But it’s been mostly her, doing the driving that is, because that’s the way she wants it.” 

“Danny,” Jack says softly, intently, and something in his voice makes me look at him again. 

“Be careful, okay?” 

He frowns, takes a deep breath, a tinge of indecision fleeting across his face. 

“Just…be careful.” 

His eyes are deep with an emotion I can’t read, and I know there’s something else, something more he wants to say, but he’s not going to. 

Something about Sam?About me?Whatever it is, he’s worried about something. 

I don’t understand. 

“Forget it,” he shrugs and turns his attention back to the monitor. 

Okay, that was…Wait a minute, what is Jack doing there, anyway, what the heck has he been looking for, all this time? You know what, I never did find out. 

“Um…you never did say, what are you Googling…for?” 

“I told you; we need to get away.” 

“So, you’re looking up some nice vacation spots?” 

“Not where, when.” 

“What?” 

“I can’t just walk up to Hammond and say, excuse me, General, but Daniel and I need a day or two off, Carter is cramping our style, not to mention our sex life.” 

“So, you’re looking up holidays?I’ll save you some time, Memorial Day is coming up soon.” 

“Oh, not nearly soon enough, Dannyboy, your tongue gets any more of an edge to it, you’ll be able to cut your own throat with it.” 

I love you too. 

“I’ll make one up if I have to.International Archaeologist Appreciation Day, how does that sound?” he grins. 

“Well, that might work for me, but what are you going to do?” 

“Appreciate, Daniel, appreciate,” he leers at me. 

“Hey guys!”Sam pops her head around the corner, scaring the shit out of both of us. 

“I’m glad I caught you both together!” 

“Carter!”Jack fires back at her without missing a beat, complete with cheery faux smile. 

I’ve always been impressed by the man’s…recovery time. 

He’s quick. 

Oh yeah, and very, very good. 

“Daniel and I were just talking about you, saying, gee, I wonder where Carter is, it’s just about time for her to turn up, weren’t we Daniel?” 

He’s also the most convincing, and charming liar I’ve ever met. 

He’s certainly got Sam snowed. 

“Thanks you, Sir,” she blushes.“I’ve just got a minute, I have some stuff in my lab I’ve got to get back to – “ 

“I’m sure you do, Carter, but…” Jack generously invites her to continue. 

“But I just wanted to ask you, Colonel, do you mind driving Daniel over to your place after work, I have to go to the video store and pick up the movie for tonight.” 

I glance over at Jack and I can see he’s thinking exactly the same thing. 

Chick flick, or bad sci fi, what will it be? 

“I’m leaning toward Solaris at the moment, but I’ll see how I feel when I get there.Do you have any requests?” 

Bad sci fi it is.Oh…joy. 

“Tell you what, why don’t you surprise us,” Jack purrs at her.“We trust you.Whatever you pick, I’m sure it will be great.” 

You know, even I believed that one. 

He’s seriously starting to scare me. 

Sam glows like one of her naquadah reactors on overload.“Why, thank you Sir, I didn’t know you had that much confidence in me,” she beams. 

Jack’s look of ingenuous astonishment is truly worthy of a nod from the Academy. 

“Carter, I trust you with my life on practically a daily basis.” 

His life, my life, our lives, sure, absolutely, no question, but the night’s movie? 

It’s pretty much a given whatever she brings over is gonna be horrible, but once you know that, it’s really not all that bad. 

I can’t speak for Jack but I’m actually starting to develop a fondness for bad movies, kinda like the whole car wreck on the side of the road…thing, you know it’s gonna be bad and you really shouldn’t look, but you can’t help yourself. 

“I can swing by and pick up a pizza once I’m done– “ 

“NO!” We both yelp. 

“That is – “ Jack hastens to add, smoothly covering our gaffe. “You’ve treated us more than enough; it’s my turn to cook.” 

“Oh?”Sam perks up at this.“Cook – you mean, actually…cook?” 

“I could,” Jack nods.“I can, you know.” 

Yes, he can, and very well.Which is more than you can say. 

Sam gives me a secretive glance, a sly smile playing across her lips. 

“Yes Sir,” she tells him meaningfully, her voice low and throaty and full of subtext plainly meant only for Jack. 

“I know.” 

All it takes is two little words and suddenly I hate her all over again. 

“See you later, guys,” Sam waves at us and scoots on her way. 

“Can’t wait,” Jack mutters, something dark and dangerous dancing in his eyes. 

“Move over!”I snap at him and start rolling my chair toward him. 

“What?Why?” 

“That holiday you’re trying to find?I’m gonna help you look.” 

* * *

Oh my God, Sam has really outdone herself tonight, this has to be the worst movie ever. I love her dearly, but oh me, oh my, she has the oddest taste…in a lot of things.Maybe it’s some left-over Tok’ra traces, some residual Jolinar-ness influencing her on some subliminal level.Yeah, that could explain it. Sam’s strange judgment on matters victual and cinematic, although for obvious reasons we’ll leave off mentioning her taste in men, as to what’s responsible for it, I blame the Tok’ra, and if you’re wondering why, well, let’s just say based strictly on what I’ve seen of their décor and their fashion sense they wouldn’t be my first choice as intergalactic arbiters of good taste. 

Or _any_ sort of taste, for that matter. 

Nope, the Tok’ra connection can’t be helping her at all.Whatever input Sam might still be receiving from whatever Jolinar left in her head; it can’t be good.

But getting back to movies and this stinker she’s selected for our viewing pleasure this evening.No really, as bad movies go, this is pretty putrid.It’s so bad I’ve involuntarily expunged the title from my brain in an attempt to protect what little remains of my grey matter. It’s truly awful; slow, ponderous, dull, I haven’t got a clue what’s going on, and what’s more, I really don’t care. 

Across the room I can see Jack, wide-eyed, glassy and staring.He’s plastered to the couch, his spine poker stiff, arms splayed along its back like he’s been crucified.I think he may be in a coma.Or possibly the bastard has perfected the art of sleeping with his eyes open, and hasn’t told me. 

If he starts snoring that’s a definite yes. 

At least dinner was good.Thank God.Jack fired up the barbie and we had some lovely steaks, big as hub caps, positively slathered in barbeque sauce.We chased it down with mounds and mounds of the potato salad we picked up from the deli on the way home. And corn on the cob, drowning in butter. 

Mmmmmmmm…I can feel my arteries hardening as we speak but it was sooooo worth it! 

And I must say, for all the obviously health-oriented menu choices she’s been sharing with us, Sam put away more than her share.She’s still working on dessert, her third helping, I believe, sitting over there by Jack’s side shoveling chocolate cheese cake into her mouth like someone’s gonna snatch the plate away from her any second. 

And about that… 

The seating arrangements, I mean, not Sam’s capacity for cheesecake. 

I have noticed a definite diminishing trend when it has come to the approximate proximity between her and Jack relative to where they both are situated on the couch.That is to say, they both started out on opposite ends, but with each successive evening, although Jack’s customary position has not changed there’s been some noticeable…creepage… on Sam’s part.It’s very subtle, but she’s definitely been working her way over to _his_ side, and his _side_ , literally. 

She’s not quite there yet, but she’s certainly close enough to be considered considerably crowding his personal space.Another foot or so and she’ll be sitting in his lap. 

And where am I, well you may ask?Monkey-not-so-in-the-middle?I’ve been relegated to the chair in the corner.It’s comfy, but also conveniently on the other side of the table and nowhere near the couch.Or Jack.On the plus side I get a great view of the TV, and Sam moving over and in on my colonel. 

It doesn’t bother me.Not now.It would have, a little bit, I will admit, but that was before, before I found out… 

Sam thinks she’s making progress, slowly worming her way into Jack’s heart, and he’s relaxing, getting comfortable around her, his blanket acceptance of all the various ways she’s insinuated herself into her life she’s reading as acceptance of _her_. 

That’s what she’s undoubtedly thinking, and before Jack clued me in, so was I. 

I’ve had time to think about what Jack told me in my office, earlier.Now, don’t get me wrong, here, I’m not…unappreciative, of the personal sacrifices he’s made for my sake, far from it, I’m completely blown away, touched beyond my ability to articulate, even and believe me, not that he needed to or anything, Jack’s scored some major points in my books today, I mean, I knew he loved me, before, but knowing he loves me enough to sit through something like _this_ , so I can have time with Sam, that’s pretty cool, incredibly cool, okay, it’s utterly amazing and knowing this, that my Jack is doing this for me, well, I should be the happiest archaeologist on the planet right now. 

I should be, I really should, and I feel like a totally ungrateful slug admitting this, but, well… 

I’m not. 

There’s a couple of reasons why and they’re pretty good ones.Unfortunately.The first one being the very fact he _is_ doing it, and why.I know his heart’s in the right place, his motives are…well maybe not entirely pure, but certainly well-meant, as far as it pertains to me, and that’s the problem.To make me happy, to ‘right the wrong’ he feels he’s done me; he’s kinda leading Sam on.Just a little. Okay, a lot. Consequently, I’m more than slightly concerned about that, especially because Sam doesn’t know what’s really going on here, and him effectively using her – to please me – well, it’s not right. 

Not only is it not right, when you really think about it, if the only way I can ‘earn’ relationship points with Sam is by throwing Jack at her… 

Well, it’s kind of insulting, isn’t it? 

As much as I dearly love him for the sentiment, and the sacrifice, I don’t need Jack to fight my battles and I _certainly_ don’t need him to ‘buy’ anyone’s friendship for me, especially not Sam’s. 

Which brings us around to the whole issue of Sam and what’s really going on here.We all know when she first – inserted herself – into our cozy twosome Jack was the main topic on her agenda and having to make nice with me again was a necessary part of the bargain, but since then things have moved on.Changed.What’s happening between the three of us, it’s not _all_ about Jack now. 

At least, I hope to God it’s not. 

Me and Sam, we’ve been reconnecting.Spending time, a lot of time, just the two of us.I want to believe what’s been happening between us, it’s real, that being around me again has made her realize what we lost, how far we’d drifted apart; she missed the friendship we once had, and yeah, maybe she missed me too, and now she’s here because she wants to be with me as much as she wants Jack, and when she’s with me, and he’s not around, it’s because she wants to be with _me_ and not because… 

That’s what I want to believe, but the problem is, and I really hate to say this, but it’s the truth… 

I’m still not completely…sure…about that.Or Sam. 

God, I _hate_ myself when I start thinking this way, but I can’t help it, there’s just…something…off, about all of this. I wish I could be more certain of Sam’s motives as far as I’m concerned, or even had a bit more faith in the original foundation of our friendship, but the truth is, there’s no getting away from the fact there was a time I was convinced she and I were as solid as… 

Me and Jack. 

But he beckoned and she walked away from me without so much as a backward glance.Jack’s big brown eyes and ‘come hither’ smile, that’s all it took and faster than you could say ‘Daniel’s a dope’ three years of friendship… 

Down the dumper. 

All right, let’s be fair here, Jack walked away from me too.But that was different. 

Or was it? 

He had a reason, though, he did it because he cared for me, way too much, and in a way he couldn’t deal with for a long time, so he didn’t dump me so much as try to excise me from his heart by cutting me out of his life. 

And he certainly came back.Once he’d finally worn himself out enough to face the truth. 

Maybe it was something like that with Sam, for whatever reason she did it, maybe she realized throwing away our friendship was really stupid and she’s been regretting it for a long time, but hasn’t known how to put it right, thinking I probably wouldn’t forgive her or something, but now she knows as far as I’m concerned I don’t care what she did or why, it’s in the past; I’m just glad she’s back. 

Someday we’ll get really drunk and sentimental, start swapping stories and it will all come out and we’ll laugh about what idiots we’ve both been… 

And maybe pigs will fly right through the Stargate and crap on Ba’al’s head. 

Oh God, Daniel stop getting sucked in by your own ridiculous hopes, look at what’s going on around you. None of this is real.We’re all here under false pretenses, with agendas up the wahzoo.No matter how perfect, cozy and chummy everything looks right now, it’s still all a sham and sooner or later the thin veil of pretense is going wear through at some vulnerable point and the whole ridiculous charade is gonna blow up in our faces. 

Or…not. 

God, I hope I’m wrong.I know what my instincts are screaming at me, but just this once, please, please let them be wrong, let _me_ be wrong, let it all work out for the best, let everything be the way I want it not the way… 

Jack shakes his head, the abrupt, unexpected movement is a bit startling, and before either Sam or I have a chance to react to him re-entering the room, so to speak, he’s on his feet in one swift, fluid motion.

“S’cuse me,” he grunts at both of us.“Have to see a man about a…” 

“Oh!”Sam sits forward, instantly responding.“I can pause the movie for you,” she tells him, reaching for the remote.“So you don’t miss anything – “ 

“No, no, that’s fine,” he vigorously shakes his head.“I wouldn’t want to hold things up for the rest of you.I might…be awhile.” 

And then he’s off, booking out of the TV room at a positive gallop. 

Bastard!He’s gonna escape the dread denouement by hiding out in the can. 

Damn, wish I’d thought of it first! 

“Wow,” Sam murmurs, watching his rapid exit with a raised eyebrow.“He must really have to go!” 

“Well, you know Jack, he’s always been a bit of a procrastinator,” I quip back at her. 

“Yeah,” Sam grins at me, a wide, genuine smile with so much warmth she has to really mean it.“But there are some things you really shouldn’t put off until tomorrow.” 

We both laugh and fall into an easy, comfortable silence making me feel so good I don’t even care about bad movies and George Clooney on the screen there, droning on and on about…something. 

Okay, the movie has sucked so far but the ending is suddenly looking very promising. 

I haven’t got a clue what Mr Clooney has been up to for the last hour or so, but you know what, it doesn’t really matter.I don’t even mind Jack ditching me.This is…Sam and me here, right now… 

This is nice. 

“The colonel has been very quiet these last few night,” Sam observes after a couple of minutes. 

Yeah he has.It’s called boredom.With a capital B. 

“He seems…preoccupied…like he’s got something on his mind.” 

No, that’s not it, actually, it’s quite the opposite, he hasn’t got _anything_ on his mind but getting through the evening with his sanity intact _,_ but I can’t say that, so I’d better think of something else.Something….something else. 

Oh wait!I’ve got it! 

“He’s worried about Teal’c.Him having to be off-world with Bra’tac so much lately, trying to get all the Jaffa fifth column stuff worked out.And now with the recent tensions flaring up between the Jaffa and the Tok’ra…complicating things…” 

Which actually is the truth, partly.Teal’c _has_ been on Jack’s mind, and mine too, but not just for that.I feel really terrible admitting this, but in a funny way, it’s been a good thing.Teal’c not being here while all of…this…has been going on, I mean. 

Things are complicated enough without adding the further wrinkle of our fourth wandering around the base in a Jaffa snit feeling left out and wondering why he doesn’t get to hang out here too. 

“Teal’c,” Sam says thoughtfully, and then smiles knowingly to herself.“Yeah, that must be it.” 

Ooooh boy, the smugness level in the room just jumped up a notch or two.Not buyin’ that one, huh Sam? 

“And speaking of the colonel, gee, I wonder what’s taking him so long.” 

I know, but I can’t tell. 

He’s _hiding._

“Well, he did say he was going to be awhile, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t get lost,” I throw back at her. 

“Not in his own house,” Sam nods.“One thing you can say about the colonel though, he has an excellent sense of direction.” 

Yeah.He’s never failed to bring me home, no matter how lost I’ve become. 

“Still, I hope there’s nothing…wrong.Maybe I’d should– “ she says, starting to get up. 

“Sam, I’m sure he’s fine,” I shake my head at her and wave her back down.“He’s a big colonel, I’m sure whatever it is, he can handle it, and if he needs anything he’ll holler – “ 

“Daniel!”Right on cue Jack’s voice rings out from down the hall, emanating from the general direction of the ensuite, if I am not mistaken.“Come here, I need you.” 

“Ah, that would be for me,” I grimace apologetically at Sam and push myself up from the chair.“I’ll just go see – what’s…going on.” 

“You don’t think he’s fallen in, do you?”Sam whispers, eyes twinkling mischievously. 

“Anything is possible, I suppose,” I grin back at her.“But what you were saying before, about that sense of direction…” 

“Daniel!”Sam scolds me, and then giggles.“He hasn’t had _that_ much to drink yet!” 

This is true. 

“DANIEL!”Jack bellows again. 

“Oh my – you’d better – “ 

“Yeah.And if we’re not back in an hour – “ 

“I know, I know, Search and Rescue.” 

I leave Sam still laughing and head down the hall.It only takes me a couple of seconds to reach Jack’s bedroom.The door is partially open, and the lights are off. 

Hmmmm.That’s odd.No light showing from under the bathroom door either. 

Where the hell is Jack, and what’s he doing in the dark? 

“Um…Jack?” I call out, venturing cautiously into the blackness.And it really is...dark.The blinds are closed, no light, even if there was any, coming in from outside.It’s a good thing I know my way around this room pretty good, otherwise – 

OW!What the fuck was that?That table’s not supposed to be there! 

“Jack!”I say again, a little louder this time. 

Still no answer.Okay, this is not good. 

Although I was making with the jokes with Sam earlier, the urgent tenor of Jack’s last…summons, had me a bit concerned – and now this.I assumed when he took off on us it was a clever movie avoidance strategy, but maybe I was wrong, it was something else, something really wrong.I’m hoping he’s okay and he hasn’t had another flare-up of the GI problem that was making him so cranky when we were trying to deal with the Kelownans, I mean the Langarans, whatever those short-sighted butt-heads are calling themselves these days, I mean, the morons were facing the prospect of having their whole damned planet go up in their faces, as Jack so eloquently put it, and they still couldn’t get past their own short-sightedness and petty prejudices to – 

Whaaaaaaaa! 

A hand clamps over my mouth, a strong arm wraps around my chest, and I’m almost pulled off my feet, dragged ruthlessly backwards before I can even think of resisting or struggling. 

I hope this is Jack, ‘cause if it isn’t I’m in trouble.No way I can break this hold, and wherever… whomever is taking me… 

Wait – where are we going – can’t see a damned – so dark in here – what’s the rush? 

Jack?Quit fooling around here, with the rough stuff, let me go, you’re starting to freak me out. 

Ow – that hurt!What was that – a doorframe we just banged into?Yup, smaller space, being shoved into it, sound of a door, behind us, slamming shut.I’m briefly released, only to be whirled around and slammed up against it, pretty roughly, and before I can move or protest an implacable, but thankfully familiar weight slams into me from behind, wedging me securely between the door and a very hard place. 

Closet – we’re in the closet. 

And I’ve definitely found Jack.Or I guess you could say, more correctly, he’s found me. 

And parts of him are very glad to have found me indeed. 

Oh yeah! 

He _can’t_ be thinking what I think he’s thinking, can he?I mean, he doesn’t mean – we should – he called me in here and jumped me in the dark so he could haul me into his closet and… 

Is he _nuts?_ We can’t – Sam is just down the hall! 

Ow! Man jammed up against a door, here, Jack, quit…butting… 

Ummm, actually, that feels kinda…good. 

No!No, we can’t.Too, it’s too stupid, too dangerous – as much as I want to – we can’t! 

“Jack,” I struggle to get out, attempting as usual, to be the voice of reason, which I’m getting mighty sick of I might add, but saying anything isn’t proving to be easy, what with my face, and pretty much all of me, come to think of it, mashed up against the door. 

And Jack, behind me, making with some pretty interesting, and insistent pelvic action, against my…behind. 

Oy…that voice of reason thing?He keeps this up I might lose my own argument. 

Not to mention any hope of coherent thought… 

“Shut up!” he pants into my ear, his fingers fumbling with my belt.“Drop ‘em!” 

I should stop him.Us.This.I should.This is beyond nuts this – this - 

This is _insane!_

Stop him?Yeah, in my dreams!Talk about your irresistible force, right now Jack is so far beyond reason, not to mention reach he’s too damned hot for words.Besides, I’m not exactly in a position to argue; I can’t move, I can barely breathe, Jack’s lust-crazed weight smashing against me, pressing me into the door so ruthlessly I’m practically a pancake, he’s got me well and truly pinned, not to mention on the edge of asphyxiation, and now he’s got my belt undone, my fly open, and he’s hooking his fingers into the waistband of my pants.

In a desperate attempt get some air I buck back against him only to have him slam into me again, pretty much expelling the little remaining oxygen in my lungs. 

Oooh…stars, spots, pinwheels…seein’ em all… 

Woooo…feels kinda…funky… 

“I said – drop ‘em!” he snarls into my ear while he roughly wrenches my pants down over my ass to my knees.He keeps me pinned in place with his body, his hands occupied with frantically working his own belt and zipper. 

Insane or not, I’m fucked. 

“I’m gonna fuck you hard, Daniel,” he grunts.I hear the unmistakable sounds of clothes being roughly rucked down hairy legs and then I feel him, the bare skin of his groin slick and electric with excitement, hard and urgent against me.Head swimming, knees getting weak, breath shallow, can hardly get any air, feeling like dropping straight to the floor but can’t – can’t move, won’t fall. 

Jack has me. 

“I don’t care if the entire SGC is sitting in our living room I can’t stand it any longer.You can fight me if you want, but I’m gonna fuck you.You hear me, Daniel, fuck you ‘til you scream! Nothing you can do about it, it’s gonna happen.Gowan, baby,” he leers, licking my ear, his insistent erection drumming against my ass.“Fight me.Make it really…hard.” 

Oh, I don’t think that’s possible.I also haven’t got a coherent thought in my head or any plans of opposing his as next he grabs me, fisting me feverishly with his right while fingers ram into me, stretching, probing, invading with no finesse but plenty of intent. 

Scream?Goddammit I’ll bark like a dog, whatever you – 

Ohhhhhh,ohhhhh GOD, that’s good – fingers so deep, the way they’re ramming into me, this is gonna be rough. 

I _love_ it rough! 

Jack clamps his hand over my mouth to muffle the involuntary groan escaping me when I feel his swollen, hungry head pressing into me.I know what’s going to happen, he’s gonna shove it straight in, hard and fast, it’s gonna hurt like hell, God, it’s gonna burn, but I love it, I love it, when he does me like a maniac God, oh God, do it, do it, DO IT! 

Ohhhh…..GOOOOOD! 

Jack’s face is buried in my shoulder, his smothered grunts mingling with mine, he’s in, sheathed to the root in my willing ass, humping frantically, ramming me mercilessly against the closet door, one hand still clamped to my mouth, the other working me with exquisite fury.I’m completely pinioned by the power of his passion, can’t move, gave up worrying about breathing. My entire awareness is rapidly constricting, I’m falling away into blackness and yet being carried up, up and away by the rising swell of ecstasy filling every scrap of my flickering senses. 

I could die right now, and just might, if I can’t catch a breath in the next few seconds but what a way…. 

Banging… what’s that...sound?Thumping, banging… 

Quit knocking, not ready for heaven yet. 

Oh, oh, that’s us – me – the sound my body is making, as I’m being pounded against the door.Jack making good on his boast he was going to fuck me through a wall one day.Door, actually, but close enough, the rapid, rhythmic thuds of our coupling frenzy are filling the closet, our frantic assault making the door we’re madly battering rattle alarmingly on its hinges.I don’t know how much more it can take – or – or me, for that matter, what’s gonna blow first, the door – or…. 

Meeee….oh God, ohgodohgod gonna…gonna… 

“Hey Guys!”Sam shouts from the TV room.“You’re missing the ending!” 

Oh…no…we’re…. 

NNNNOOOOTTTTTJAAAACK!OHGODJAAAACCCKKK! 

I’m screaming, sobbing against Jack’s palm, the smothering, sweating fleshy barrier barely holding back the sounds.Tears streaming down my face, delirious and weak-kneed with the force of my release, still shaking and struggling to breathe I feel Jack shudder, bite down hard on my shoulder through my shirt.Two quick pumps and then he’s hugging me, stroking my hair, my chest, kissing the side of my neck, my cheek all the time murmuring, words I can’t make out but there’s such tenderness in his touch, his voice… 

I have to be getting this wrong, I’m still half out of my head with the after effects of oxygen deprivation and orgasm, but I could swear, it sounds like, Jack… 

I think he’s…crying. 

No, that can’t be, why would he… 

Jack? 

“Don’t ever leave me,” he says suddenly, softly, against my right ear. 

_ That  _ I heard.I don’t know where it came from, but I heard it. 

As if I ever would.Or could. 

But why would he even think - 

“Daniel,” Jack sighs happily into my shoulder, his large, warm hand caressing my belly and liberally smearing it with my come.Heaving a reluctant sigh he pulls out of me and gives my ass an affectionate pat. 

“Come on, we’d better pull ourselves together, clean up some and get back to Carter.” 

_ Sam! _ I’d _completely_ forgotten about her – how long have we been gone? 

We both pull up our pants, barrel into the bathroom and make a fast, frantic effort at de-semenizing ourselves before tucking everything back in and checking each other for any incriminating evidence of our closet encounter we might have missed. 

“Are we good?”Jack asks me anxiously. 

I shrug, he scowls, and we’re out of there. 

As I follow him down the hall I can’t shake an uneasy feeling I’ve forgotten something. I know we both passed inspection; everything’s been properly licked, nicked and tucked, so why do I feel like there’s something… 

Sam does not appear to have moved since we left her, and she smiles a greeting at us as soon as she sees us. 

“Hey guys, everything okay?” She mildly inquires, with only the slightest hint of curiosity in her expression.“I heard an awful lot of banging in there.” 

Oh God!The cover story!I _knew_ there was something we forgot! 

Wait a minute, what did she say, she could hear us, but she didn’t run to investigate?Perhaps George Clooney has powers we did not suspect. 

Whatever, he’s getting a thank you letter in the morning. 

While I’m having my brief mental fit Jack steps in to fill up the breach proving once again why he’s the colonel. 

“I locked myself in the bathroom,” Jack tells her with a sheepish grin. 

Honestly, this man never ceases to amaze me; the bullshit well he constantly draws from never seems to go dry. 

“It’s my own fault, the lock has been sticking for a long time and I should have fixed it, but you know me and…” 

“Procrastinating,” Sam supplies with a wink at me. 

“Yeah,” he shrugs, ‘dumb Jack’ mode fully engaged and shamelessly presented for Sam to take full advantage of. 

“Sir, you should have _said_ something,” Sam scolds him like he’s a retarded five year-old. “I would have fixed that door for you in no time.What would you have done if this had happened when you were here alone?” 

She’s _kidding,_ right, I mean she _has_ to be, she can’t honestly _believe_ a man with Jack’s training and background, not to mention his _field_ experience– 

Come _on,_ the man is a _colonel_ in the United States Air Force, he didn’t get those birds out of a Cracker Jack box, although he’d rather die than admit it he’s got almost as many degrees as I do! 

How stupid does she really think he is, and if she really _believes_ that … 

The hell with love, real or imagined, I’m suddenly wondering if Sam even _likes_ Jack. 

“Then I guess I would have had a problem,” Jack replies, keeping the dumb act going strong.“But lucky for me, my hero here,” Jack pats me on the shoulder and flashes a proud smile ‘round the room.“Daniel to the rescue.He got me out.” 

“You were locked in,” Sam says slowly.“And you called for Daniel, not…” 

Her voice trails away, she’s silent for a second. 

“You called for Daniel.” 

Sam’s eyes dart from Jack to me, and then back again, assessing, a troubled crease beginning to form between her brows and for just a second there’s something…almost cold… 

I’m not sure what I’m seeing, not sure what she’s thinking, but all of a sudden, I don’t know why, but I’m feeling… 

“You missed the end of the movie, you know,” she lightly accuses. 

“Oh, yeah, sorry about that,” Jack returns, bypassing the couch and throwing himself into the chair I’ve formerly been occupying.“But I’m sure you’ll catch us up.” 

Thanks, Jack, for taking my chair you rat bastard, I don’t want to sit near her either, we did clean up, but still, both of us are still exuding a slightly…musky odour not entirely masked by some hasty ablutions consisting mostly of a liberal lathering of critical body surfaces with Irish Spring… 

Jack wanted to dump some aftershave in my shorts, but after I told him I’d break his nose first he wisely backed off. 

“Ordinarily I’d be more than happy to, but I can’t tonight,” Sam informs us while starting to gather up her plate, fork and beer glass to take them on through to the kitchen. 

“Huh?”Jack grunts. 

“I’m calling it a night early, Colonel,” Sam halts, plate in one hand, glass in the other, and stares at Jack.Her posture screams ‘significant statement forthcoming’ and for sure, whatever bomb she’s about to drop, she wants a clear and unobstructed view of Jack’s reaction. 

“Oh, that’s too bad,” Jack fires back, a little too eagerly, and he’s on his feet just as quickly. 

“Here, let me get these for you.” 

Easy boy, try and hide your disappointment.I think pushing her out the door will definitely blow your cover as well. 

“Yeah,” Sam continues, trying not to visibly react to the alacrity with which Jack snatches her last remaining excuses to linger from her hands.“And I’m sorry to say, you guys are on your own tomorrow.” 

“Oh?” Jack, bless him, is making a manfully heroic effort to hide his disappointment. 

He gets any more depressed he’ll be dancing a jig. 

“Uh huh,” Sam nods.She hesitates, obviously seriously reconsidering proceeding with the rest of her ‘announcement’ in the light of Jack’s barely restrained glee at what’s come out of her mouth so far, definitely not the reaction she was hoping for, obviously, but then she takes a deep breath and decides to go for full disclosure. 

“I’ve got a date,” she says proudly, thrusting her chin out, eyes locked to Jack’s. 

And there it is.She’s tossed the gauntlet at Jack’s feet, hoping like crazy he’ll pick it – and her - up. 

_ Tell me not to go _ she screams at him without saying a word. 

“Well, good for you, Carter!” Jack beams at her. 

“Oh no, it’s not – like that.“ she hastens to add.“Not a _real_ date, I mean. I’ve never met him. He’s a friend of my brother’s.All I know about him is his name is Pete.He’s a cop, he lives in Denver.” 

“Blind date then, Carter?”Jack grins.“Sounds like fun!” 

“I’m doing it as a favour for Mark,” she says quickly.“That’s the only…reason.But – I - I don’t have to, that is, I can call it off, if you’d rather – “ 

_ Please, please ask me to stay.  _

“Don’t want to break up the team,” she finishes weakly, her eyes getting a desperate edge around them as she searches Jack’s face for some sign he’s not good with her going out with another guy.

And not seeing it. 

“No, no Carter, you go on ahead, you go out and have a good time.Don’t worry about us, Daniel and I will manage somehow without you.”

Sam’s face shuts down, her mouth set in a hard, firm line she swings around and scoops up her purse.

“I’m sure you will,” she mutters before pushing past Jack and blowing by me like I’m not even in the room.

Well, there she goes. Somehow I don’t think she’ll be back.

She sweeps down the hall toward the front door, an uncomfortable silence and the both of us in her wake.

Just as I think things have gotten as awkward as they can she pauses at the front door and turns to deliver her parting shot.

“Well, I’ll be going now,” she intones, unnecessarily.“I trust you’ll see Daniel gets home,” she says to Jack in clipped, crisp tones.

_ I don’t care what happens to him, he’s your problem now.  _

“I assure you he’s in good hands.”

Sam’s eyes narrow, and she turns her attention to me for the first time.For a fleeting, ephemeral instant the look she shoots me is so venomous, I feel something cold and terrible slice right through my heart.

“Oh Daniel, I won’t be able to pick you up in the morning.I hope that won’t be too inconvenient.”

I’m guessing our carpooling days are officially over.

She doesn’t wait for an answer, just pulls the door open, slips through it, and slams it behind her.

And just like that…she’s gone.

I think…I think she’s really…

Gone…

I stand there, staring stupidly at Jack’s front door, the sound it made still echoing within me.

It hurts.

Why do I ache inside and why does it feel like – Sam shut that door on – on me.

On us.

I’m never going to see my friend again.

“Daniel I’m so sorry,” Jack says softly, touching me tentatively on the shoulder.

“I know,” I manage to choke out before twisting swiftly around into his welcoming arms to lose myself in his anchoring embrace.


	5. Fourth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blind dates, barbeques and breasts, oh my!  
> Warnings: Violence. Not for S/J fans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, my profuse thanks to the lovely and talented Saladscream for her much appreciated assistance with Daniel's French.  
> Also, as previously mentioned, particularly with this story, this series has definitely moved into an alternate reality. I'm picking and choosing the elements of season seven, and soon to be eight canon I need to tell these tales, and this story uses an extremely controversial scene from canon recently discussed and debated on AlphaGate which I've somewhat altered to allow me to further explore issues involving Sam's character and actions the writers chose to ignore. Any character study of Sam is a prickly undertaking, especially if you choose to expand on some of the less than complimentary aspects we've been shown over the years. Near as I can figure, the basic problem we're all wrestling with is there are two Sams - the woman we want her to be and the one the writers have given us. Is there a way to work through and reconcile this dichotomy? That actually is the question I'm trying to answer with this entire series with this story and the ones to come. So, although you may consider some of this to be 'Sam-bashing' bear with me, I really am going somewhere with this! Oh yeah, I find it hard to believe Jack could spend over three months in a time loop learning to translate Ancient and not retain some of it, so this Jack in this reality definitely does. Which got me to thinking, I've had Jack use affectionate names with Daniel, but not the other way around. If Daniel did, I thought, being a linguist, he wouldn't do it in English, in fact, he'd probably use a language hardly anyone else could understand, but Jack could. Hmmm. Ancient, perhaps???? Lots of us have wondered why Daniel neglected to translate one little word for Sam and Teal'c when Jack was saying good-bye to them in Antarctica. Perhaps, the reason is in this story...

“Doctor Jackson.” 

“Daniel!How ya keepin’?” 

“Jack!It’s good to hear your voice!” 

“Likewise.So how ya doin’ since I’ve been stuck here in DC, stayin’ out of trouble, I hope?” 

“Pretty much.Nothing happening here, the place is about as lively as a dead, false god. Me, I’m knee deep in the same old, same old.” 

“Squiggles and etchings and runes, oh my?” 

“Something like that.How’s Washington?” 

“It’s still here.Unfortunately, so am I.” 

“Sorry to hear that.Been kinda hoping you’d be on your way home by now.” 

“Yeah, you and me both.Alas, no such luck, looks like we won’t be winding things up here until tomorrow morning.Then I’m on the first plane outta here.” 

“Tomorrow, huh?” 

“Yup, sorry.” 

“Me too.Okay, well then, I guess I’ll take Sam up on her offer after all.” 

“Carter?So…you and she?  Okay again?No more Major - ” 

“Don’t say it!” 

“I wasn’t gonna.” 

“Were to.” 

“Okay, maybe I was.But anyway, you and Carter.Things a tad less… frosty?” 

“Yeah, apparently.We haven’t exactly been joined at the hip since you’ve been gone, or anything, but the last few days she’s been stopping by, again, and we’ve been… we’ve been talking…” 

“Good.Talking is good.” 

“Yeah. She even brought me coffee and cookies this morning, and invited me out to dinner tonight.Wants to introduce me to Pete.At least that’s what she said.” 

“Pete?Do tell, wasn’t that the…” 

“Blind date.Yeah. The same.I guess it went well.” 

“Excellent!Go Pete!” 

“Now hold on, Jack, don’t get too excited, they’ve only been on a couple of dates.” 

“But she’s seeing him.Again.More than once.That’s a good sign, right?” 

“I certainly hope so.It would solve most of our recent problems, not to mention letting _you_ off the hook.” 

“I’m sayin’ nuthin’.” 

“That’s kinda how we ended up in the mess in the first place, need I remind you.” 

“Daniel, gimmee a break, already, I said I was - ” 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean – I’m… I’m sorry.It’s just…it’s been awfully quiet around here, since you’ve been gone, and I’ve been sorta, I mean, well…you know…” 

“Yeah.Me too.Hold that thought, Daniel I’ll be home tomorrow and then we can…catch up.” 

“Catching up sounds good.Looking forward to it.Soooo, tomorrow then.For sure.Meaning you’ll definitely be back in time for the General’s barbeque? “ 

“You kidding?I wouldn’t miss Hammond’s 4th of July bash for the world.Holy buckets, does that man know how to barbeque.Definitely a Texan born and bred!” 

“Ah, so the ability to successfully sear meat over hot coals, it’s a geographically specific skill is it?Might go a long way to explaining why you find the activity so challenging, Chicago via Minnesota.” 

“Whatchew talkin’ about, Daniel?” 

“Jack, come on, whenever you mess with the outdoor grill you bring a whole new meaning to the term ‘burnt offerings’.The last time you did battle with the barbie you charcoaled the weenies.To a crisp.And let’s not even talk about the sirloin briquettes.Not a pretty sight, if you will recall.” 

“Hey, I was _distracted_ , if _you_ will recall!” 

“Okay, I’ll give you that one, maybe you were… a little - ” 

“Listen Daniel, I’d love to hang around and be insulted some more, but it looks like they need me in there again. Sorry for cutting you off, but gotta go.See you tomorrow, buddy.” 

Can’t wait. 

I hang up the phone and take a couple of deep breaths. I don’t believe this, I’m actually trembling. It was just a phone call from Jack, for crying out loud; nothing to get excited about. Not like he hasn’t called me a million times or so over the past seven years.And not like we’ve never been apart before!No big deal, Jackson, get a grip, already. Time to calm down now and start acting like an adult. 

Yeah, right, no big deal Jack’s ass, look at me, the mere sound of his voice and I’m a total basket case; shaking like an agued leaf, heart hammering as if I’ve just run a hundred yard dash to the gate with a brace of Jaffa in my wake.And he’s only been gone for a week, how sad is that? 

You know what’s even sadder?Most of the time, when he _is_ here, I wish he was somewhere else!He drives me absolutely _nuts_. All the time. Seriously. He’s got an office, but you’d never know it, he’s never _there_ , he’s always _here_ , messing with my stuff, getting in my face, constantly perfecting his incorrigibly annoying perpetual distraction act totally at _my_ expense. I gotta tell you, whenever he’s hanging around it’s almost impossible to get anything done.He’s astonishing obstructive at the best of times, but most of the week _before_ he left, he was a total terror. I had so much to do; three backed up mission reports I owed Hammond, the translation of the inscriptions from the caverns on P7L 903, staff evaluations,I hadn’t even _started_ the draft for the treaty with the Tellorans, hell, let’s not mince words here, I had a _ton_ of paperwork piling up because I couldn’t get a damned thing done because of Jack, ergo I couldn’t _wait_ ‘til he left and left me _alone_ so I could have some peace and quiet, concentrate, focus, buckle down _…_

You know, there really is an art to constructing the perfect paper airplane; it’s definitely not as easy as it looks, the secret’s not just in the creases, although that is important factor, to be sure, but in addition the empirical data I’ve collected over the past few days, based on my numerous test trials suggests the material out of which the projectile is constructed is equally important, the right weight of paper, the size… 

All right, you got me, I’m having a hard time… focusing.I’ve grown accustomed to his fuss; it’s too damned quiet here, now he’s… not. 

I miss the big lug.Leave me alone. 

Crap, there’s the phone again.Can’t be Jack, he just – and said he was going into another meeting.Wait a minute, maybe it is, maybe something happened and there’s been a change of plans. 

Maybe he’s coming home today after all! 

“Doctor Jackson.” 

“Daniel, it’s Sam.” 

“Hey, Sam, what’s up?” 

“Just calling to see if we’re on tonight or not.” 

“Yeah, dinner would be nice.Count me in.” 

“Great!How does Alfredo’s at seven thirty sound?” 

“Sounds expensive.You’d better be buying.” 

“Don’t worry, tonight is definitely our treat.” 

“How can I pass up an offer like that?Seven thirty it is.See you there?” 

“You got it.Oh, and Daniel?Wear something nice.” 

What? 

Nice?What the hell does _that_ mean?Like I make a habit of showing up at expensive restaurants in sweats and a T-shirt.Alfredo’s is strictly jacket and tie; I know that. _She_ knows I know that.Dammit, just when I thought things were finally getting back to normal between us, a few bizarre parting words and I’m weirded out again. 

No, no, Daniel, don’t go there, things are good, they’re fine, everything’s… fine; okay, it’s true for a couple of weeks there after that night it was looking not so good, between me and Sam.Not that her behaviour while at the SGC or when we were off world, pretty much the only time I ever saw her, was in any way incorrect or improper or anything like that, because it wasn’t; no, vis a vis yours truly her on duty demeanour was impeccable and totally by the book correct, it just wasn’t a whole lot of… 

The kindest word I can find to describe the prevalent quality of our infrequent interpersonal interactions during the interval between then, and now, was… distant.Extremely remote.With a discernable chill factor.It wasn’t just me imagining things, unfortunately; Jack may play the fool; doesn’t make him one.He’s nothing if not observant, he saw what was going on although, bless him; he exercised an admirable degree of restraint when it came to offering any sort of commentary about his… observations.Then the night before he left he went and blew his good conduct record by apologizing for leaving me alone with Major Freeze.I smacked him one and told him to knock it off, he smacked me back, instructed me to go fuck myself, then said ‘oh wait, better idea here, let me help you with that’, at which point we mutually opted to skip the lovers’ quarrel and segue straight into the hot monkey make-up sex. 

So, the past few weeks, while occasionally discouraging on the Sam front, not entirely all bad. 

But that was then, and this is now. Right after Jack left for DC Sam started stopping by again, with coffee and cookies, even, and things began to change.Whatever she was holding against me, she seems to have let it go. We’ve been talking a lot this past week, about all sorts of stuff, and the best thing of all, virtually none of our conversations have been Jack-related.It’s been nice, to hang out with like we used to, and not feel like I’m being constantly grilled for intel about Jack. 

Nice to feel like I’m her friend again; and not simply a means to an end. 

Yeah, I know, I’ve been down this same road, not all that long ago, and I was…well, it didn’t turn out great, but this time, it’s different.I know it is.Friends.Sam and I are friends again.Tonight I’m going to dinner with my friend Sam, and she’s going to introduce me to her new boyfriend. 

Pete.I know I told Jack not to get his hopes up, but me, I’m feeling pretty optimistic.Sam really seems to like this guy; she’s certainly been talking him up enough, and I’m taking it as a very good sign her inviting me out to this dinner tonight, especially given its stated purpose.If she likes him enough to take it to the next level – introducing him to the family… 

That’s me, right?Maybe not a brother by blood, but every other way that matters.We’re family, and tonight my sister Sam wants to run her new beau past me to see if he meets with my approval. If that’s not a sign things are pretty serious with her and Pete, I don’t know what is.Which makes tonight a mighty special occasion indeed.Oh crap, now I feel like an idiot, of course this evening is important to her, she wants everything to be perfect, she wants me to make a good impression too, no wonder she said…what she said. 

Wear something nice?You got it Sam; tonight I’m pulling out all the stops, putting on all the bells and whistles, cranking it up several notches just for you.I’ll show up so spiffed up you won’t even recognize me. 

Hey you’re worth it.You mean so much to me, least I can do for you in order to show it. 

* * *

Ugh, I may have overdone it in the ‘spiffing’ department; I look like a male model on steroids.The tie is definitely over the top, and yet, sadly, that’s the least of my problems.Oh my, I’ve spent waaay too much time in BDUs; I don’t remember this suit being quite so…confining.Feels like a full body straight jacket.There’s an image.Woo.Ack, I’d better not breathe, eat, sit down or for God’s sake, no bending over. 

I love you, Sam, but this Pete had better be something pretty damned special. 

However ridiculous I look, there’s a bright spot, thanks to Jack’s penchant for gifting me with really expensive cologne I smell pretty good, so all is not lost.Oh well, for what little it’s worthI’m definitely as gorgeous as I’m ever gonna get, I’ve made it this far without embarrassing myself and the car is parked, ergo all that remains is for me to, well, get my expensively clad ass in the damned restaurant. 

Alfredo’s.Not a place I habitually frequent, and the moment I step inside, I remember why.Haute cuisine all the way, with prices to match, definitely not somewhere to bring the kiddies for Sunday brunch, select for a business lunch or drop in on your own for a quick bite.The theme here is strictly seduction; the room is so rife with romance you can almost see the airborne cupids strafing the unsuspecting patrons below.Yup, this wee bistro has it all; atmosphere up the wahzoo, the crowded flock of intimate tables swarming with candles and flowers, strolling violinists, low, we’re talking _ridiculously_ subdued lighting, in fact, it’s so damned murky in here I don’t see the maitre d’ until I’ve almost walked into him. 

While it’s more than slightly dim in here it’s not so dark I miss the pitying look he levels at me once he registers I’ve crossed his threshold apparently…unaccompanied. 

“Welcome to Alfredo’s, M’seiu,” he sniffs.‘I am Pierre , ‘ow may I asseest you ziz evening?” 

I got a car needs washing, you up for that?No?Okay, try again.I’m wearing a suit, I have an appetite, and by a happy coincidence, this is restaurant, so get me a guide dog to take me to a table, how’s that for starters.Yeah, I’m alone, so what?Take a good look and then get over it, okay? 

“M’seiur ‘as a reservashion?” he haughtily inquires. 

Oh, and by the way, nice fake accent, pal, bet you were born in Duluth and your name is really Ralph.You’re not fooling me, you’re about as French as I am.Hey, here’s a thought; I should answer him in French, could be fun. We’d see some sweatin’ then. 

No, too evil, not to mention completely unnecessary.I’m here to have a nice dinner with Sam and her boyfriend, not play a round of ‘bait the snob’, however tempting.Oy!I really have been hanging around with Jack far too much.Behave, Daniel; leave the poo-poo head alone and let’s get on with this already.Lessee, the reservation, which name would they have gone with, Pete or Sam’s? 

I dunno, let’s find out. 

“Shannahan?”I venture.From his reaction I’d say first time out we have a winnah.Interesting, and slightly unexpected, to be honest. 

I wonder if it means anything. 

Probably not.Probably only means he made the call, not Sam.Still, she’s _my_ friend, not him; he doesn’t even _know_ me, why would he… and not her? 

Who _cares_ , it’s not important right now, focus, Jackson , excited fake Frenchman at three o’clock, try to look like you give a damn. 

“Ah!” ‘Pierre’ lights up as if the secrets of the universe have suddenly been revealed to him with the utterance of a few syllables.“So eet eez you!” he beams at me and excitedly claps his hands together. “Your guest eez already seated.Come ziz way, M’seiur, I will be most ‘appy to take you to ze table.” 

Great, you’re happy, I’m happy, we’re all delirious.Super. 

‘Pierre’ gives me a pointed once-over and nods approving.“Ze young lady will be most pleased,” he cryptically observes with a satisfied smile. 

Um…what?Flattered, I’m sure, but what about the guy she’s with?Surely to God she’s happy enough with him.I have no idea what this man is talking about or why he keeps looking at me and snickering up his sleeve like he’s just pulled naked pictures of me with pink polka dots on my ass off the internet. 

Nah, it couldn’t be.Not possible.Jack _swore_ to me he deleted those… 

Okay, enough already, I’ll leave suddenly rampaging paranoia behind and the deciphering of confusing compliments to another time. 

Pierre offers me a stiff bow and with a grand flourishing wave of his arm proceeds to lead me into the restaurant.He confidently weaves through the labyrinth of cosy tables laden with food and happily respirating wine bottles, occupied by a bevy of cooing couples.Romance is almost as thick in the air as the smoke from the forest of flickering candles.As we make our way towards the back of the restaurant I’m finding myself overwhelmed by the ambience and consequently confused; this whole place is geared towards just one thing and it isn’t a casual dinner and some pleasant conversation between friends.I’m wondering which of my two prospective hosts was responsible for choosing the venue; it doesn’t seem exactly appropriate for a friendly threesome.I have to admit, a place like this wouldn’t be _my_ first choice for a getting-to-know-you dinner; the amount of money this evening is probably gonna set Pete back – and I have no doubt he’s the one who’s picking up the bill \- I’m thinking if it were me, and I took out a second mortgage on the house in order to be able to afford to bring my special someone _here_ hoping to impress and consequently get some after, I wouldn’t want a third-wheel archaeologist along for the wine and dine. 

Oh, if only I could.Bring _my_ special someone, here, that is.Maybe some day. 

Definitely some day.It’s on the top of my ‘to do’ list starting the second after Jack announces his retirement.That is, right after I do _Jack_ on the gateroom ramp. 

Okay, so that’s probably never going to happen, but a guy can _dream_ , can’t he? 

Anyway, I must put irrational but extremely entertaining fantasies aside; for the meantime, I’m going to have to make do with being here, even though I don’t quite understand… why _here_.So be it; their choice, however puzzling.At least I’m reasonably assured of getting a pretty good free meal out of the deal, even if I won’t be able to see what I’m eating. 

Are we there yet? I murmur an apology to the guy I accidentally whack because I’ve been visually fixated on Pierre during the whole wending process.I stumble onward, following in Pierre ’s wake as he rounds what I desperately hope is the last turn.Ah, here we go; we’re definitely closing on our ultimate destination; he’s leading me toward a table tucked into the remotest corner of the restaurant.Wait a minute, this can’t be right.The table we’re headed for has a single occupant, a woman if I’m not mistaken, although in this light, we’re still not close enough to be absolutely sure. Could be a lousy female impersonator.Yup, that’s a woman, all right, she looks up, sees me, and, oh my, what do we have here, unless in the few short hours since I last saw her Sam has dyed her hair brunette, changed her eye colour and had extensive plastic surgery to completely alter her appearance, the woman we’re approaching now staring at me with a slightly stunned expression on her completely unfamiliar face - definitely not Sam. 

What’s up with dis? Pierre has to have made a mistake; he’s taking me to the wrong table.We must have missed Sam and Pete, during the murky wend through the romantic obstacle course,entirely possible I walked right by them without seeing them, nor they me, so maybe I should…  I should say something before he tries to seat me with a stranger.Why is she looking at me like that, like she knows me or… can’t be, she can’t know me, I’ve never seen her before, at least, that is, I’m _pretty_ sure I’ve never – wait - wait a minute, the hair, and the dress, threw me off for a bit, she looks so different, but it is, it’s… I _do_ knowher, well, what do you know about that, she’s one of the new civilian scientists in Sam’s lab, what’s her name, I know it, I – it’s just on the tip of my - 

“Your table, M’Seiur,” Pierre proudly indicates my destination with another one of his grand flourishes.The wide-eyed woman whose name unfortunately is still escaping me gapes at me with horrified fascination while I dazedly drop into the only other available chair. 

What _is_ her name?And why is she here?Where’s Sam?Where’s Pete?What the hey, as long as we’re asking questions, where’s the nearest exit, I’m getting a really, really bad feeling about this. 

“Doctor Jackson!”My dark-haired, and by all appearances equally stupefied companion squeaks.“What are _you_ doing here, I was expecting - " 

A craftily conniving major attempting to play cupid, perchance? 

Oh no, she _didn’t!_

“Surprise,” I croak, devoutly wishing the earth would open up and swallow me.No wait, I must somehow survive this experience, emerge unscathed, live another day so I can leave this place, hunt Sam down and _kill_ her. 

When it looks the darkest it’s always nice to have something to live for. 

“Omigawd, Doctor Jackson!” she says again, and promptly hiccups.“Omigawd, what are you doing here?” 

Okey doke, she’s turning green, that’s not good, I didn’t think people actually _did_ that, gotta pull myself together here and focus, judging by the interesting colour of her complexion and what appears to be a nasty case of spontaneous hiccups this newly revealed aspect of the arrangement – she didn’t see _this_ coming any more than I did.Yep, no doubt about it, the terror in those eyes is entirely real; I’m thinking Doctor Novak here is just as much a victim as - 

Novak!That’s her name!I _knew_ I knew it! 

Okay, Daniel, pull yourself together and say something…intelligent. 

“Doctor Novak!”I give her what I hope is a reassuring smile.“I’m sorry it took me so long to recognize you, it was the hair, usually, when I’ve seen you before at the – you know where - it’s... and now it’s… it’s… it’s very nice.” 

Woo, that was smooth, Jackson.Now try it with your _other_ foot in your mouth. 

An emphatic ‘hic’ is her only response. 

Oh look, there’s Pierre again, loping agilely around the tables, a couple of menus tucked under his arm.A tall, spindly, myopically blinking waiter bearing a champagne bucket and a pair of flutes forges bravely after him.They’re coming this way; ooh, is that bubbly for us?Maybe there is a God after all. The way things are looking, a magnum or two of the good stuff just might get us both through this alive. 

“Compliments of your ‘osts,” Pierre happily announces upon arrival.Bucket boy sets up his burden by the table and proceeds with the business of popping the cork and pouring while Pierre carries on gushing.“M’Sieu Shanahan and M’mselle Cartair regret zey cannot join you ziz evening, but ‘ope you will be zair guests and ‘ave a lovely meal wizout them.Ziz eez for you, M’mselle,” he says kindly, offering an envelope to Doctor Novak.“And for you, M’sieu,” Pierre bows slightly, and hands me one too.“Your menus,” he smiles, and thrusts them into my other hand.Enjoy ze wine,” he nods.“We trust it will be to your liking.Andre will be your waitair tonight, when you are ready to ordair ‘e will be ‘appy to asseest you.I am also instructed to inform you your dining experience tonight eez compliments of M’seuir Shanahan and the lovely M’mselle Cartair, zey wish for you both to enjoy yourselves, and each ozair, completely at zair expense.” 

Oh God, make that three magnums of Champagne .And yeah, and most expense entrée on the menu, here I come.I don’t care if it’s sautéed shark’s brains, revenge doesn’t come cheap and neither will this ‘date’.Even before I open the envelope, which has to be from Sam I have no doubt that’s exactly what this ‘invite and switch’ is supposed to be. 

“Ah, look at zem, zey are so ‘appy with each ozair zey are speechless.” Pierre clasps his hands together, heaves a dramatic sigh and turns to Andre, if that is in fact his _real_ name.“Eez love not wondairfool?” he burbles at the waiter pouring the bubbly. 

Pierre , give it a rest, okay? You’ll get your tip, and it’s gonna be huge.Hey, I can afford to be extremely generous; I’m not paying for any of this. 

Pierre and Andre fade back into the romantic gloom, leaving a lightly hiccupping Doctor Novak and yours truly alone with each other, some impressively expensive champagne, our menus and respective envelopes.With a sigh I delve into mine while Doctor Novak hics again and opens hers. 

“Thinking of You” is the simple message on the front of the card.I open it and find my worst suspicions confirmed. 

 

_ Daniel, don’t be mad. I know this evening isn’t exactly what you were expecting, but trust us; it’s for your own good. You probably would never have done something like this for yourself, but you know what Daniel, it’s high time you got out there again. You’ve been alone far too long, and you’re never going to meet that someone special if you hang out with the colonel all the time. I know I wasn’t very open to the idea of dating myself, but I’m so glad I went on the one that brought Pete into my life. That blind date turned out so well for us we thought we’d see if we could pass some of our luck along to a couple of special people we really care about and think would be pretty sensational together.So forgive us for playing matchmaker, but you know what, sometimes true love needs a little help.Give it a try; what do you have to lose?I think you’ll find you and Lindsay have a lot in common.I expect an invitation to the wedding!Just kidding, no pressure, have a great time, you two!  _

__

_ ‘Wink, Wink’  _

_ Sam and Pete  _

__

Wedding?Woo, Sam, you think big!And what’s with all this ‘we’ stuff, Pete doesn’t know me, or, Lindsay, from Adam why would he care about either one of our love lives?Don’t go trying to hang any of this on him; I’m fully confident this was entirely your idea, with him going along with it, because well, he’s still trying to impress you, isn’t he? 

Well, isn’t this special and you know what, it also explains the tenor of some of the conversations Sam and I had over the past week. I wondered why she seemed so intent on leading me down memory lane, constantly bringing up the good old days with Shau’ri and all. Guess we know why now. 

So, Sam thinks I need a girlfriend, does she?Oh dear.But seriously, Sam, what do you _really_ want?To see poor, lonely Daniel get some female companionship because you want me to be happy, or do you want me occupied with someone else so I won’t be spending so much time with Jack? 

Okay, that wasn’t kind, and probably way too paranoid.I gotta stop thinking like this, Sam is my friend, of course she wants me to be happy, that’s what this is about and nothing more. Besides, she seems pretty happy herself with Pete, so why would she care about how much time I do or don’t spend with Jack, or how much time _anyone_ spends with him, for that matter.She wouldn’t, she doesn’t, she’s just trying to help, no matter how unnecessary or inconvenient her misguided meddling. 

Thanks loads for the thought, Sam, but I don’t need an assist with my social life, and I certainly don’t need _this._ My dance card is quite full enough, thank you.And speaking of my not-present partner I wish to God he _was_ here right now; I could use a massive infusion of his silver-tongued O’Neill Irish charm to talk my way out of this!What am I going to _say_ to this woman, how am I going to let her down and get us both out of this as gracefully as possible; I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I can’t let her start entertaining even the faintest flicker of a notion this could be the start of something or there could ever be _anything_ between us.Nope, I have to come up with a way of kindly, but firmly kiboshing whatever romantic aspirations she might be harbouring in her hiccing bosom and I have to do it pretty damned fast.Like the next thirty seconds or so.Say something, say something what, what, what to say to unravel this cunning and nefarious web of deception the blind date fairies have ensnarled us both in 

Oh God, this would be a _great_ time for a Goa’uld invasion!And where the hell is Thor when you _really_ need him? Replicators?Mutant alien hamsters on goofballs?Tribbles!Please, God, something epic and diversionary, _anything_! 

I have no idea what I’m going to say; I just know I have to say _something!_

“Doctor Novak,” I start, and am promptly interrupted by a loud hic from across the table. 

That hiccupping is really _strange._ Not to mention irritating.There she goes again.Maybe there’s something wrong.Maybe I should… 

“Listen, are you okay?  Can I get you anything, do you want some water… or…” 

“Dammit to hell!”My ‘date’ fumes.“I can’t help it, every time I get nervous it just… happens, but, never mind that now,” she huffs and affixes me with a stern expression.“Doctor Jackson, let’s get one thing clear, right now – “ 

“Daniel,” I smile at her. 

“And you can call me Lindsay,” she frowns and hics again.“Listen, Doctor – Daniel, stop right there, before you say another word and this gets any worse than it already is, although at this point, I can’t imagine how that’s _possible_ , there’s something you need to _know_.”She pauses, purses her lips and fires a glare in my direction that’d make a sizeable dent in the iris. 

Yikes, laser eyes of doom.What’s that all about? You know, when a woman looks at you like that, odds are what she’s about to tell you, it’s going to be either life-changing, or life threatening. Not to mention needing to be put through college.Either way a quick exit is often in order.Right now I’m very happy I know there’s no possible way I need to worry about any scenarios involving shotgun weddings or paternity tests. Still, if the usual reasons don’t apply in this case I can’t imagine why she’s giving me the eye, and not in a good way, but I guess I’m about to find out. 

“There’s no easy way to say this, but here goes.I’m flattered, really but this…"  She pauses and waves a hand vaguely about between us.“This is a terrible mistake.Hic!I know all about you, Doctor Daniel Jackson, the way they talk about you a girl would have to be out her mind to not want to – hic!From what I’ve heard half the woman on the base would kill to be sitting where I am now - " 

Half the base?Okay, now that’s so not true.I wouldn’t say _half_ the base, that’s slightly… excessive.A quarter is more like it. 

A third tops. 

“But before you get the wrong idea, Doctor - Daniel, no offence or anything, I’m not one of those women.There's no easy way to say this so I might as well just come right out with it. Hic!  I'm very sorry, Daniel, but I can't go out with you, you’re not my type.” 

What did she just say?Not her _type_ , how can she say that?  She doesn’t even know me! 

“How can you say that; you don’t even know me!” 

Omigawd, what did I just say? 

“I don’t have to _know_ you,” she patiently continues, like she’s trying to explain physics to a three-year-old.Or Jack.“It’s got nothing to do with _who_ you are, it’s _what_ you are.” 

Confused? 

She folds her hands firmly on the table, purses her lips and sighs impatiently.“You’re not _getting_ it.Okay, try again.You. Are. Not. My. _Type._ ” She firmly enunciates, glaring at me meaningfully. 

Not who I am but what I am?What am I?An archaeologist?Single?Caucasian? Over-educated? Breathing?All of the above, so what, not her type, what does that mean?Not her – not - 

Not her _type!OH!_

“Oh!”I blurt.“Type!” 

“Got it now?” she smiles crookedly at me. 

“I see,” I burble some more.“Oh, well, I can fully understand why you wouldn’t want, you and me... definitely wouldn’t work out for you at all.” 

“Yeah,” she smiles ruefully at me.“Listen, Daniel, you’re a really great looking guy, and if I was… into _guys,_ I’d probably be going after you big time like practically everyone else on base, but I’m not, so even though you’re extremely pretty, one of the best looking men I’ve ever met, as a matter of fact and quite nice – for a good looking man – from what I’ve been able to tell, that is..." 

No, stop, really, enough of the slamming with faint praise thing, you lay it on any thicker I’ll be swimming in it.I get the message, and I do believe I can take it. 

“Thank you,” I weakly reply.“I’m flattered by the glowing character reference. But, bottom line, for all my stated positive qualities, which was very kind of you to mention, by the way, not doing a thing for ya, huh?” 

“Nope,” she ruefully replies.“Nothing personal, you understand, you’re just not…” __

“Not your type.Gotcha,” I smile back at her.Well, isn’t this one for the books; I’ve been kicked to the curb by the hiccing Nerd Queen.Isn’t that special.You know, something like this could only happen to me. I am so glad Jack isn’t here; he’d be wetting himself right now.I don’t know whether to storm out of the restaurant to seek a suitable balm for my wounded male pride or collapse on the table and giggle hysterically with relief she isn’t crawling all over me. Oh well, now I’m over my brief ego fit of being roundly but politely rebuffed by a woman who could probably give Bill Lee serious competition for the top slot in the ‘Science Geek of the Year’ Awards I should take this ‘Get Out of the Date Free’ card the universe has so kindly dropped in my lap and run for my freaking life before she changes her mind. 

“Daniel, please don’t feel bad,” she tells me with earnest concern.“I don’t know what Major Carter told you about me, but I hope it didn’t get _your_ hopes up too much.” 

No worries, in all the conversations we’ve had over the past week, you never came up once. 

“I know you were married, and you lost your wife several years ago, and you’ve been alone ever since.” 

But apparently, she’s been talking me up to you some. 

“It’s obvious she had plans for us, but she didn’t know that wouldn’t be possible.That’s not her fault, even though I am a civilian you and I both know coming out at the SGC wouldn’t be a very good idea.But apparently keeping my boss ignorant of my orientation meant some unfortunate assumptions were made, and here we are.I’m really sorry you got caught up in this, Daniel.I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t be your girlfriend,” she softly tells me, her eyes glistening with moist distress. 

Aw, bless, she’s really worried she’s just broken my heart. She’s genuinely concerned for me; it would be sweet if the whole thing weren’t so surreal.I wish I could tell her she’s fretting in vain.But I think it’s safer to go down the ‘takin’ it like a man’ route. 

I put on my best brave face and smile manfully at her. 

“I appreciate you setting me straight.” 

She giggles, and I realize what I’ve said. 

“Okay, that didn’t come out right,” I grin.And then it hits me. 

“Hey! Your hiccups are gone.I guess that means you’re not feeling nervous any more.” 

“You’re right,” she muses.“Wow.I guess it does.She gives me a blinding smile.“You’re taking this really well, you know.That’s a huge load off my mind. Thanks so much for understanding,” she finishes gratefully, and reaches for the champagne flute at her side. 

You’re welcome.My pleasure.Well Daniel, congratulations, one huge, honking bullet, nicely dodged.And the best part, she did all the work!You know something, now I don’t have to view her as a potential threat and she’s calmed down as well, and stopped hiccupping, I’m glad to have this opportunity to get to know Lindsay.Even out of uniform and lightly gussied up, she needs a bit more work before you could honestly call her attractive, but even so, she’s not without her own appeal. 

As to the scenario itself, now the abject terror factor has been removed, we are left with a howling irony I am the only one in a position to appreciate.Sam thought we’d make a good couple because we had so much in common, well, she was righter than she knew.However, knowledge of that point of commonality is not something I will be sharing with my present companion, or Sam, anytime soon. 

And speaking of the lady seated across the table from me, you know what, I’m starting to like her.Even though I’ve seen her around the SGC, honestly, she’s so good at blending in I’ve barely noticed her.Heck, I didn’t even recognize her at first, outside of the context of the SGC and out of uniform.Odds are if this hadn’t happened, I would have continued to not notice her and it’s highly unlikely we would have become acquainted.Which I’m thinking now would have been a shame; I’ll wager there’s quite a character under that repressed exterior. 

Actually, she reminds me of another socially-challenged loner who not so long ago found himself thrust unsuspecting and unprepared into an alien and hostile environment, and we’re not talking about Abydos , here.It’s been many, many years between now and then, and as sad a case as I used to be, that’s no longer true, mostly because I was really lucky, I had good friends and a lot of help on the journey from there to here. 

Oooh, I have an idea… 

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll be fine,” I tell her with all the sincerity I can muster.“You have every right to your feelings and besides, it’s not your fault; you didn’t create this situation,” I smile ruefully at her.“And now we have all that out of the way, I don’t know about you, but speaking strictly for myself, I don’t have a whole lot else on for the rest of my evening, so why not make the best of this one?You’re here, I’m here, Pete and Sam are picking up the tab, so I suggest we take full advantage of the situation and have ourselves one high time.It’s clearly understood we’re not on a date, that’s fine, but that doesn’t mean we still can’t be friends.You haven’t been at the SGC very long, have you?” 

“Couple of weeks,” she says, and takes another sip of champagne. 

“Uh huh,” I nod.“And I’m guessing you’re finding the… fitting in... thing, it’s not going very well.” 

“How did you know?”She gazes at me with genuine wonder. 

“Trust me, I’ve been there,” I fervently reply. 

“You?”Her eyes widen in astonishment.“I find that hard to believe.” 

“Yeah, well don’t let this overdressed exterior fool you, once upon a time not so long ago I was not as you see me now.Way back when this party started I was the SGC’s original ubergeek.Glasses, floppy hair, plaid shirts, pocket protectors and all.The hair went years ago, Jack and Sam ritually burned the plaid shirts and the pocket protectors, still got the glasses although they’ve been upgraded once or twice, but other than them, that’s about it. Previous to the extreme make-over, I was a serious mega-nerd.Granted I’ve picked up a few social skills over the years, but don’t let the suave exterior fool you, I can still give a power-point demonstration that’ll put a whole room of marines and the odd Air Force colonel to sleep in less than thirty seconds.Yeah, I still got it,” I boast. 

“You’re funny,” she smothers a grin and takes another slurp from the flute.“I envy you. You’re so lucky.You make it look so easy.Me, on the other hand, when it comes to mingling, and the whole social interaction thing in general, well, I suck,” she scowls at her champagne and takes another slurp. 

“I don’t know; you seem to be doing just fine.And believe me, luck had nothing to do with it.It took a lot of effort to learn how to fit in, and I didn’t do it by myself.I had a ton of help from some very good friends.Which brings me around to General Hammond’s barbeque.” 

“What about it?” she gives me a puzzled frown. 

“I’m guessing you weren’t planning on going.” 

“No, I wasn’t.I wouldn’t know anyone there.” 

“Maybe not at first.But you should definitely go.You’re never going to get to know anyone unless you try, and this would be a good place to start.Almost everyone at the SGC is going to be there, the atmosphere will be nice and relaxed, and trust me, General Hammond throws one heck of a party.His barbequed ribs are to die for.You should come,” I throw her an encouraging smile. 

“I don’t know,” she frowns.It sounds like it might be fun but… no,” she sighs.“I never have a good time at things like this, I don’t know what to do, what to say - " 

“Tell you what, why don’t you go with me?Consider me your social icebreaker. Not a date, a facilitator, if you will.I’ll take you around, introduce you to a few people, we’ll have a couple of beers, some nice ribs, pleasant conversation - ” 

“You don’t have to do that,” she mumbles, colouring slightly.“You don’t have to be nice to me; you’re off the hook." 

“It’s not like that at all,” I gently protest.“I like you, Lindsay, and I want to help you with this.I know how it feels to be the new civilian kid on the military block.When I was where you are now I had good people running some considerable interference for me.They helped me fit in, and I honestly don’t know where I’d be if they hadn’t.I’d like to do the same for you, if you’d let me.Trust me; give it a shot. What’s the worse that could happen; you arrive with one friend, have some great food, a fun afternoon, I show you around, introduce you to a few people and who knows, by the end of the afternoon you might have a few more.Friends, that is.” 

Leastways, that’s my plan.And I have the perfect person in mind to fit the friendship bill.And possibly even more, but honestly, I’ll be plenty happy if she and Lindsay hit it off strictly on the friendship level.Hey, Sam isn’t the only person who can manipulate people and social situations to suit a suddenly realized secret agenda.Only thing is, mine has a much better chance of actually succeeding due to the advantage of far more accurate intel. 

“You’re a nice man, Doctor Jackson,” she tells me with a shining smile. 

So I’ve been told.Oh well, I could be worse.Let’s hope she still thinks so after the barbeque. 

“Daniel.So, how about it?Will you go with me?” 

“Okay!”She gives an emphatic nod.“You talked me into it. You may escort me to the barbeque.But no funny stuff!” she sternly scolds me, her eyes twinkling merrily. 

“I’ll be good,” I promise, making a show of crossing my heart.“Archaeologist’s honour.” 

That earns me another giggle, swiftly segueing into a snort.It wasn’t _that_ funny.I’m thinking her appreciation of my feeble attempts at humour is not due so much to the actual material or the delivery as it is to the champagne.She’s already on her second glass and I haven’t touched mine yet. 

This is going to be an interesting evening. 

“Fine, now we’ve got that out of the way, if I remember correctly the food here is pretty good.What say you we find out, and do our best to run up a Visa bill Pete’s never gonna forget?” 

“Works for me,” Lindsay says, and hiccups.This time I’m pretty sure it’s not because she’s nervous. 

Works for me too.So, despite the disastrous start, not such a bad evening after all.There’s one thing still bothering me, though. 

After all this I still didn’t get to meet Pete! 

* * *

“Daniel.”

“What?Trying to sleep here.”

“Explain to me again why you’re bringing a _date_ to Hammond ’s barbeque.

“Grow up, Jack, it’s not a date. Lindsey was very considerate, she let me down nicely."

“Yes, I’m happy to hear she didn’t break your heart.” 

“No, no worries there, she was very gentle.Unfortunately, she also has some social issues so I thought I’d give her a hand with them by way of a thank you.” 

“Major geek?” 

“You know it.Pretty tightly wrapped to boot, that is, until she gets a couple of glasses of champagne under her belt, and then, she’s actually a lot of fun.You’d like her. Anyway, she’s been here a couple of weeks and is having some problems with fitting in, so I thought I’d take her to the party, introduce her to a few people - " 

“And?” 

“Okay, one person in particular.” 

“Daniel…” 

“Don’t worry; I know what I’m doing.Margo’s good people.” 

“You’re talking about Doctor Seavers, right?SG-9’s civilian anthropologist.She’s... gay?Get outta town, I didn’t know that!” 

“Of course you didn’t, she’s not exactly public about it, any more than we are.” 

“Point taken.So how come _you_ know?” 

“She’s a member of my staff.We… talk.She needed a shoulder to cry on about six months ago while she was going through a messy break-up.I happened to have a spare one.It sorta came out then.” 

“And I guess you could say, so did she.” 

“I wouldn’t have, but you, of course, can’t seem to help yourself.” 

“As long as you keep pitchin’ ‘em at me you know I’m gonna keep knocking ‘em right out of the park.” 

“Fine.Now you’ve got that out of your system, can we go to sleep?” 

“What’s yer rush? It’s still early.So, Seaver’s break-up. That must have made for some interesting conversation.” 

“No, I’m not giving you details so stop fishing.” 

“Well, you’re no fun anymore. 

“That’s right, I’m a drag.Sleep now.” 

“In a minute!I still don’t understand, especially seeing how you yourself have had a recent narrow escape from a felonious fix-up attempt, why you think turning around and doin’ it to some one else is a good idea?” 

“Jack, it’s not about trying to get them _together_ , per se, I don’t honestly know if either of them are even _interested_ in starting a relationship at the moment. It’s about networking.Making connections.Margo’s been here awhile, she’s made friends in the right places.She’s very personable and eager to help, and I’m sure she’ll be more than willing to take Lindsey under her wing.” 

“Ah. Gotcha.Still, it would be pretty ironic if they _did_ hit it off.Not to mention very probably put a considerable frost on Carter’s cookies, seeing as how she was hoping to see some sparkage between you and Novak. And speaking of Carter, what the hell was she thinking, pulling a stunt like that?What did you ever do to her?Oh, I got it, I know how this was supposed to work, by pairing you off with the geekette Carter was hoping you’d be so busy with your new amour you wouldn’t have time to hang out with me anymore.” 

“Jack, this wasn’t about you.” 

“The hell it wasn’t!” 

“Sam’s got a boyfriend, I’m sure you’re the farthest thing from her mind.” 

“Then why did she do it?She was bored?Yeah, I can buy that one, ‘oh dear, I am so bored, there is nothing in my lab to blow up and the colonel is out of town, whatever shall I do, oh, I know, let’s send Daniel on a blind date.’Yeah, right.Wake up and smell the set-up, pal!Carter tried to gift wrap your ass and hand it to Novak on a Visa platter because she’s still after mine!” 

“You’re about a hair away from me handing it over to her.” 

“Aw come on, Daniel, you know I’m right.What other possible reason could she have had?” 

“I don’t know, maybe because she’s my _friend_ , and maybe she _cares_ about me and thought she was doing me a favour.” 

“You keep thinking that Daniel, if it makes you happy.Me, I’m gonna keep checking under the bed before I go to sleep.You just never know where Carter is gonna turn up next.” 

“Honestly, I don’t know why I bother talking to you.” 

“’Cause you’d explode if you didn’t.Never mind getting pissy with me though, seems to me I’m the injured party here.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“There’s me, hard at it in Washington, up to my ass in bureaucrats, slaving over a hot conference table, completely unsuspecting my main squeeze can’t wait for me to get outta town so he can bat on both sides of the fence; hell, Daniel, my side of the bed is barely tepid and you’re stepping out with some science floozy.” 

“That’s it; you’ve finally lost my mind.” 

“I can’t believe you wore the issey Miyake for another woman.” 

“Are you listening to yourself?” 

“Try to avoid it as a rule.” 

“Ja -mmmmmmmm, niiice… not that I’m complaining or anything, but what was that for?” 

“It’s a nice thing you’re doing for the little geekette, but then, you’re a nice man, Daniel Jackson.” 

“Nice am I?That’s a hell of a thing to say to a guy! Well, don’t get too used to it ‘cause I’m sick of being nice.Don’t wanna be nice, I want to be naughty.Very naughty.Starting right now.” 

“I thought you wanted to sleep.” 

“Changed my mind.I can do that.You gonna give me any grief about it?” 

“Who me?You kidding? How do you want me?” 

“Here.I’m glad you’re home.I missed you.” 

“Me too.Oooh, that’s nice, but… wait!  Before we make with the making out, there’s just one thing bothering me.” 

“ _Now_ what?” 

“Where the hell am _I_ gonna find a date for the ‘que?It’s so last minute; all the good geeks are probably already taken…  Daniel, Daniel that was a joke. There’s no need to resort to violence – or that either.Okay, you’ve had your fun, now put it down.Daniel?Not kidding here, Daniel, put it _down_.Don’t go there, don’t think about it and for God’s sake, whatever you do, don’t do it! I mean it – put that down right now, that’s an order – Daniel?Daniel, these are really expensive sheets and that’s _definitely_ gonna leave a mark.Daniel – don’t you dare – 

CRAP!DAAANNNIELLLLL!!!!!!!"

* * *

“Wow, I can’t believe I’m saying this, Daniel, but I’m having a great time.” 

“What did I tell you?”I grin smugly at Lindsay.“Doctor Jackson would not steer you wrong.All you had to do was relax, trust me, have a beer…” 

Or several.I smile at the woman across the table from me finishing off her third.Me, I’m still on my first.Gotta keep a clear head because, well, aside from the fact I’m the designated driver, all things considered, I think it would be wise. 

“I know you did, I know you did,” Lindsay giggles and sets the empty down.“I shouldn’t tell you this, but what the heck,” she burps and grins.“It wasn’t that I didn’t believe you, but..." 

“You didn’t believe me,” I lightly scold her and feign a pout. 

She throws me a bashful but engaging grin.“But I guess you figured that out already.” 

“I wasn’t entirely unaware of your shocking lack of confidence,” I tease.“The hiccupping chorus during the drive over sorta gave it away.” 

“Damn.”She throws lower lip right back at me.“Busted.I really gotta work on that.But you were right, you were absolutely right.This is a great party, people here, really great and these _ribs_!” 

“Great,” I beam back at her.“Couldn’t agree with you more. I’m glad you’re having a good time.” 

“I am, I really am,” she smiles gratefully.“Thank you for being so nice to me.” 

And…I think that’s my cue to move onto phase two of my cunning plan.Margo has been circling for the last ten minutes, waiting for my signal.Yes, I planned ahead and went the extra mile, making the effort to be slightly more intelligent, not to mention considerate in my machinations than my conniving co-worker; I approached Margo yesterday, brought her up to speed and elicited her whole-hearted co-operation with ‘Operation Integration’.She’s quite keen to meet Lindsay and help her feel more at home at the SGC, which is what I figured when I thought of this in the first place. 

“It was my pleasure,” I say to Lindsay, and nod to my eagerly waiting accomplice. 

Yes, Margo, now would be good.As much as I’ve enjoyed Lindsay’s company, it’s more than time I found Jack and pried him away from the barbeque pit.General Hammond is a generous man, but that largesse does not extend to sharing his duties as king of the grill.Especially when Jack is the one trying to wrest the tongs and baster from his unwilling fingers. Hammond takes his role as chief burgers, steak and ribs dispenser very seriously and Jack, well Jack, for all his hearty enthusiasm for all things barbeque, put him anywhere in the vicinity of one and he’s a three alarm fire just waiting to happen. 

I love him, so I have to put up with it, and him, but I figure the general has suffered enough. 

“Hey Doctor J, fancy meeting you here,” Margo enthuses upon stepping up behind Lindsay.Lindsay visibly starts at the vocal intrusion, but also is clearly intrigued by its sultry, mellow, alto sound, and honestly, I don’t blame her, Margo’s voice is like warm cognac for the ears and when she’s had a few and can be goaded into singing you think you’ve died and gone to heaven. 

Maybe that’s a metaphor I shouldn’t use.Anyway, Lindsay’s head whips around and once she gets an eyeful of the 5’10” red-headed, emerald-eyed Amazon author of the mellifluous interjection her lower jaw drops open and bottoms out about her waist. 

Sooo far, so good… 

“Margo!”I beam at her.“Nice to see you.Having a good time?” 

“You know it, Doc,” she grins back at me.“Mind if I join you?”She doesn’t wait for an invite but slides her athletic form gracefully down on the picnic bench beside a still gaping and frankly staring Lindsay. 

Really, really good… 

“Not at all, take a load off,” I unnecessarily respond, for the lady in question is already seated, and smiling warmly at my lightly blinking companion. 

“Don’t mind if I do, Doc.Are you going to introduce me to your attractive friend, here?” 

Lindsay, still silently staring, gulps convulsively, her jaw abruptly clamping shut.I hope she’s not going into shock. 

“Of course, where are my manners?”I quickly pick up the cue.“Lindsay, this obvious introvert who’s just joined us is Doctor Margo Seavers, a member of my staff and my favourite anthropologist.Margo, Doctor Lindsay Novak.” 

My “introvert’ comment elicits a hearty snort from Doctor Seavers.“Favourite anthropologist,” she scoffs.“You’re just saying that because I make the best coffee in the mountain and you want me to tell you my secret recipe.” 

“Talented, but unfortunately massively mistaken,” I counter, keeping the banter thing going so Lindsay has time to process and adjust to the new situational parameters.“You have promise, I’ll give you that, but you’ve got a lot to learn before you can top _me_ in the java department.” 

“Not only is he in denial over the whole coffee issue,” Margo gently nudges Lindsay and gives her a conspiratorial wink.“But he knows damned well my Mandarin is _way_ better than his and I can arm wrestle him under the table.” 

“Ah Margo, I hope you and your delusions will be very happy together after I’ve transferred you to P4N-689,” I airily return.“How does spending the next month off world cataloguing coprolite grab ya?” 

“That’s one way to win an argument,” she laughs.“All right, all right, I concede, you are the boss.” 

“Woof,” Lindsay faintly interjects.Her eyes have not left Margo during the whole course of our spirited exchange.I doubt she even remembers I’m still seated at the table.Lindsay, that is, Margo is very much aware I’m still here, and unless I’m mistaken, which I don’t think I am, is about to tell me to piss off. 

“Hey Doc, don’t you have a colonel to corral?” 

Now, while I have never discussed the exact nature of my relationship with Jack with Margo, for obvious reasons, she is neither stupid, nor blind.I know she knows, and she knows I know she knows. 

That’s all either of us need to know. 

“Off you go now, Doc,” Margo makes a quick shooing motion with her right hand while keeping her attention fully focused on Lindsay.“I’ve got things covered here.” 

I do believe I’ve been dismissed.Even though I have no doubt I’m no longer needed here, I feel peculiar about just… going. I shouldn’t just assume Lindsay is okay with me taking off;I mean, I don’t want her to think I’m abandoning her.Even though technically, I am. 

“Lindsay, are you okay if I…” I venture. 

“Hic!” and a frantic ‘get the hell out of here’ wave of her hand is her only response. 

Yup, my job here is definitely done. 

* * *

“Here, General, lemme sauce that one a little bit more for ya, won’t take a sec.” 

“Colonel O’Neill, if you wouldn’t _mind_!Jack! _Please_ don’t help any more!” 

Oh, oh, from the sound of Hammond’s voice, Jack has more than over-basted his welcome.I’d better get him outta there right now before the general decides to transfer him to Antarctica or some other place equally remote, frigid and barbeque-less. 

“Jack, there you are!”I slip up behind Jack, quickly wrest the baster out of his grasp and hand it over to Hammond with a huge smile.“I’ve been looking all over for you.Heck of a crowd, great turn-out, having a wonderful time, General, the food is great, Sir, as usual, and speaking of food, Jack, have you eaten yet?” 

Jack is staring down stupidly at his empty hand.“Well no, I – I - " he stammers, and then shoots a sulky ‘how the hell did you get the drop on me?’ glare at me. 

Surprise!Yeah, I got some moves too, my man.I’ve been practicing, and I’ve had a very good teacher. 

Of course, it helped my highly-trained, senses honed to a razor’s edge, lightening-reflexed colonel was unfairly distracted by a barbeque. 

Hey, you gotta go with whatever advantage you can get. 

“I’ve been busy!” he finishes defiantly. 

“Time to take a break,” I curtly inform him, then grasp him firmly by the shoulders and wheel him about before he has a chance to protest.“General,” I nod at Hammond after shoving Jack on his way. 

“Thank you, Doctor Jackson,” Hammond mouths at me, naked gratitude fairly bleeding from his eyes. 

Hmmmm, I have a feeling I’ve just scored the additional personnel I’ve been trying to get for my department for the last six months.Not to mention permission to return to P8R 901 for oh, let’s say a month, to have a proper go at the temple complex there. 

Yeah, life is good. 

“Daniel what the hell is the matter with you?”Jack has finally figured out he’s been strategically withdrawn and starts balking and resisting my determined effort to propel him even further away from the barbeque.“I was cookin’ there – hey, leggo!” 

“Jack, listen to me carefully,” I instruct while continuing to motor him away from Hammond and toward the buffet table. “If I let you go and you go back there, next time I want to see you, it’s gonna be a hell of a commute. Hammond was a hair away from sending you on a trip you wouldn’t particularly enjoy and wouldn’t be coming back any time soon and we’re not talking going through the gate here.” 

Jack stops, whirls about in my grasp and stares at me, astonished. 

“Whaddaya taking about, I was just, I wasn’t doing anything!” he indignantly asserts. 

I love this man, but honestly, he can be so obtuse at times. 

“Jack!” I glare at him accusingly.“You were driving Hammond _nuts_ and you _know_ it!” 

“Ya think?” he blinks innocently at me. 

I cross my arms and narrow my eyes at him.Not giving him an inch here. 

He maintains the indignantly innocent act a few more seconds before finally caving. 

“Well maybe I was... getting a little… over-enthusiastic,” he grudgingly admits, lowering his eyes. 

“Over-enthusiastic? Jack, if you could have found a way to get away with hog-tying the general and locking him up in his own basement in order to completely hi-jack the barbeque, you’d have done it!” 

“Maybe a lot over the top,” he sighs. 

“Just…” I wearily shake my head.“Consider yourself officially relieved from grill duties for the rest of the day, okay? 

“Wokay,” he pouts and hangs his head.Honestly, all he needs to do is start stubbing his toe in the ground and he’ll be the complete epitome of the chastised ‘bad little boy’.He looks so adorable, so bad, so sad, that little twinkle gathering speed in his eyes as he’s covertly gazing at me to see if it’s working and he’s making me go all soft and squishy inside because he’s just so damned… 

…hot. 

“Stop it!”I growl at him, slap him on the shoulder and start pushing him again.“Stop trying to start something you can’t finish.” 

“Well, not here, sure, that’s a given, but there’s always later.” 

“Don’t assume anything!You, food, now, and for God’s sakes, _behave_ yourself!” 

“Hey!Jack blusters,”“Don’t I always?But about Hammond , do you really think he woulda sent me somewhere nasty? Washington, maybe?That would suck.” 

“Actually, I was thinkin’ Antarctica.” 

“Really?Naw, he wasn’t _that_ pissed at me!” 

“Oh yeah, he was, he really was.Trust me, he was getting so steamed Antarctica woulda been him letting you off easy.” 

“Wow, that’s pissed!So maybe I should be thanking you for – oooh!That looks really good!No, I don’t want any of that crap, give me some of those!More!Oh yeah, and lots of that.Screw the salad, get that green crap off my plate, this is a barbeque; I don’t have to eat veggies if I don’t want to! Oh yeah, is there any pie?” 

* * *

“You gonna eat that?” Jack casts an avaricious eye at the untouched sliver of pecan pie to the right of my cup of coffee while cramming the last of his third piece into his mouth.I don’t know where he’s putting what he’s already consumed, but apparently he’s got room for more. 

Or at least _thinks_ he does. 

“No, go ahead,” I push it toward him and then snatch my hand back before he accidently amputates one of my fingers with his eagerly stabbing fork.“I know I took it, but I really don’t want it.What I ate while I was with Lindsay was more than enough.” 

“Howzatgowanbytheway?” Jack manages to get out around the huge hunk of pie he’s currently vigorously masticating. 

Ewwww. 

“God – that’s – can’t you at least _swallow_ first before you…” 

Jack glares balefully at me and deliberately shoves another generous forkful in his already stuffed-to-capacity mouth.The result isn’t very pretty, but it’s very Jack. 

Honestly, some days I don’t know whether to kiss him or kill him, but I don’t know what I’d do without him. 

And I pray to God I never have to find out. 

“It’s going fine,” I continue, opting to answer his original question while ignoring his infantile antics.“Lindsay seemed very pleased to meet Margo.” 

“I’ll bet,” Jack snorts and shovels the last of the pie in his mouth.His eyes twinkling mischievously, he makes an elaborate show of chewing and swallowing before speaking again. 

“Seavers, now there’s a woman who wasn’t exactly beaten up with an ugly stick.And she’s a hell of an arm wrestler.” 

Tell me about it. 

“Ah yes, arm wrestling,” I nod thoughtfully.“I’m sure that’s at the top of Lindsay’s list of requirements for friends and potential partners.Anyway, when I left them, things seemed to be going very… what?” 

Jack is frowning down at his empty plate.He can’t _possibly_ be thinking what I think he’s thinking. 

“Do you think there’s any more pie?” He says with a slight whine. 

“You can’t be serious!” I exclaim.“You try and cram one more molecule in there and you’ll explode!” 

“Nah,” Jack grins and shrugs.“I’m just winding you up.I’m full.So, what do you think, are we good to – that is, do you think the geekette will mind if you skip out on her with me, so we can blow this party already?” 

“Um – I’m not sure.I don’t know if it would be – I mean, I drove her here, I don’t think it would be right for me to go, and leave her here, yeah, it’s highly likely Margo will be happy to make sure she gets home, but I shouldn’t assume – but there’s nothing stopping _you_ from going, that is, if you want to.” 

“Well, if I am henceforth forbidden from participating in any activities that are barbeque-related,” he glares at me. 

“You are.” 

“Then I’m pretty much done here, so yeah, I want to go, but I don’t want to go without you,” Jack grumbles.“And I really do think we should get while the going is…” 

He’s not saying it, but I know what he means.So far, there hasn’t been any sign of Sam.Which has, I’m afraid to say, made for an extremely enjoyable afternoon.She did say she wanted to come, but apparently Pete is also in town, so, maybe she decided showing up here with him in tow wouldn’t be a good idea. 

To be honest, I’m torn between relief and disappointment.Pete is all Sam has been talking about for the last week.I will confess I’m becoming more than curious about this apparent paragon, so after being so cleverly done out of what I thought was going to be my previous opportunity to encounter him I kinda wish they were here today so I could, and yet… 

Not having her around has been…oh God, it’s been _great_.I feel like a total _shit_ for thinking this, but having this quiet time, alone with Jack, even though we’re not really alone, we’re surrounded by most of the members of the SGC, still, not having her hovering and watching us and hanging on Jack’s every word… 

No drama, no tension, no pretence, no bad pizza… 

It’s been nice. 

“Colonel!” 

Jack’s eyes widen in alarm. 

“Tell me I’m suffering from toxic pie shock and I did not just hear Carter taking my rank in vain,” he leans forward and desperately whispers. 

And now, it’s over.Or, just starting. 

Super. 

Heeeeere she comes, cutting an unerring path through the milling, munching throng, definitely bearing down on our position, a dark-haired, extremely eager-looking man hot on her six. 

Ah, this must be the mythical Pete.Well, what do you know, he actually exists.And he’s here. 

I sense things are about to become very interesting. 

“Just remember, I wanted to leave,” Jack heaves a heavy sigh and casts his gaze heavenward as if appealing for divine intervention or hoping to sight a passing Asgard he can cop a fast teleport outta here from. 

Don’t start with me; it’s going to be fine. 

However, the look on Sam’s face when she gets close enough to our table to see me, with Jack, and not… 

She couldn’t be more shocked at seeing the last thing she was expecting than if I jumped up on the table and mooned her.And the reason the perfectly normal and usually usual sight of me and Jack together has thrown her such a curve? 

Hands up everybody at this table who’s been a bad, bad boy.Oooh, that would be me.I have, I really have, and you know what, confronted with the tragic disappointment on Sam’s face, I’m actually feeling more than slightly remorseful at the moment because I’m pretty sure the reason why she’s currently looking like someone kicked her in the teeth; probably my fault.You see, it’s entirely possible, although, if confronted I will deny everything, I _may_ have given Sam the impression Lindsay and I were… dating. 

Just a little. 

Okay, okay, you beat it out of me, Sam kept pestering me for details about the night at Alfredo’s and asking me if Lindsay and I were going out again and I cracked and told her about asking her to come with me… today, and I may have, possibly, perhaps, made it sound like we were going on a date, but she _made_ me do it, the only way to make her stop interrogating me was to give her the impression… make her think… 

Well, you know damned well what you made her think, Daniel. 

“Daniel!”she blurts, coming to such an abrupt stop the man I presume is Pete has to take a quick step to the right to avoid barrelling into her back.“What are you doing here – um, I thought you were with – where is Lindsay?” 

By the time she gets to the end of her interrogative it’s almost an accusation. Not that I owe her an explanation or anything, but before I have a chance to respond… 

“Daniel!There you are!” 

Oh no!The other one!Quick, somebody hide me! 

I turn desperate eyes to Jack to see him leaning slightly forward, his elbow on the table, chin resting in his cupped hand.He stares innocently back at me, his eyes sparkling with amusement, a huge, happy grin on his face. 

Bastard. 

Sam’s eyes light up at Lindsay’s approach but when she spots who’s got _her_ six she gets that confused, unhappy look again. 

“Major Carter, Colonel O’Neill,” Lindsay mutters, after shyly sidling toward me. She throws a curt nod their way and turns into me and away from them before addressing me in a low, hesitant voice. 

Unfortunately not low enough for everyone else assembled, particularly Sam to not be able to hear every word. 

“Daniel, thanks for bringing me, you were a dear for driving me over and introducing me to… everyone, but I was wondering, that is, do you mind…” 

She casts a shy look at the woman hanging back a discreet distance waiting for her. 

“Lindsay, I don’t mind at all,” I tell her softly. “Feel free to ditch me with my blessings.Go, have fun.I’m good.” 

She flashes me a brilliant smile of genuine gratitude.“You really are a nice man,” she murmurs.“Thanks.For everything.And I do mean everything.See you around the SGC sometime?” 

“You bet.”I grin at her.“Now scoot, get the heck out of here.” 

And… they’re gone.You know, it would be a lot easier to bask quietly in the glow of the satisfaction of a job well done if I didn’t have Sam’s eyes drilling holes into the back of my skull. 

“Wait a minute,” Sam says.“Where is she going, what does she mean, ‘see you around some time’, I thought you two were – I thought - " 

I know what you thought, Sam, and it’s my fault you were thinking that because I thought it would be fun to make you think what you’re thinking, but now I’m thinking I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. 

I want to lie down now. 

“So Carter, who’s your friend?”Jack suddenly pipes up. 

Pete! Omigawd, I’d completely forgotten about him!Thank you Jack, you’re my hero again. 

Deflected from her intention of grilling me silly by Jack’s timely and surprising interjection, Sam forgets all about me and the one that got away and focuses full on him.I know I’m gonna owe him later for drawing her fire now, but I figure I’m up for the job. 

Payback isn’t always a bitch, lemme tell you. 

“Oh!”Sam exclaims.“This is my… this is Pete Shanahan!You may have heard me mention him, once or twice?Pete, this is Colonel O’Neill.He’s my - " 

“I’m her boss,” Jack says smoothly, extending his hand towards the man stepping eagerly forward to accept it.“Pleased to finally meet you, Pete,” Jack continues while being subjected to a hand pumping enthusiastic enough to sprain his wrist.“You’re all Carter talks about these days.” 

“Sam’s boss?It’s good to meet you, Sir! Colonel, Colonel O’Neill, Sir,” Pete gushes, still pumping, and gives Jack an ear splitting grin.“You’re a colonel?Air Force, I presume, same as Sam?That’s really impressive.I’ve never met a genuine colonel before!” 

Wow, he certainly is… eager.Not to mention apparently easy to impress. 

Nice teeth. 

“Ah, it’s a living,” Jack shrugs deprecatingly.“I could say I’d never met a genuine cop before, but then, I would be lying.” 

“That’s funny, Sir,” Pete beams while Jack finally manages to reclaim his hand.“So _you’re_ Sam’s boss.I feel like I already know you.  Sam talks a lot about you too.” 

Really?How… creepy. 

“All good, I hope,” Jack smiles generously up at him while surreptitiously shaking out his hand under the table.“But let’s dispense with the formalities, shall we. _She_ has to call me Colonel,” he tilts his head back towards Sam.“But you can call me Jack.” 

Sam blinks and gulps at Jack’s ‘colonel’ comment; while it’s obvious his less than subtle remark has gone completely over Pete’s head, the shot definitely hit the intended target and is stinging more than some.I’ll just jump in here now, move things along, change the subject, give Jack a good, swift kick under the table… 

“And I’m Daniel,” I tell Pete.“I work with Sam too.Good to meet you.” 

“Oh, so _you’re_ Daniel,” Pete acknowledges, subjecting me in turn to his hyper-achieving handshake and an interestingly scathing once-over, not unlike the visual search he conducted on Jack earlier under the cover of hand-pumping and misdirecting babbling. 

And speaking of hand pumping… 

Ow.Quite a grip.You can let go now. 

Ow.Thank you.Now, if I can just get the feeling back in my fingers… 

“You’re the reason I’m working overtime to pay off my Visa bill this month,” he grins.“Thanks for that by the way.” 

“Hey, it wasn’t my idea,” I shrug. 

“You got me there,” he chuckles.  "Anyway, pleased to finally meet you. You’re not military?”he asks, unexpectedly, but it’s not really a question. 

Yeah, he’s a cop all right. And he’s good. While he might look and act like a big puppy dog and seems three times as desperately eager as one, this man is no fool. A quick glance at Jack confirms he’s come to the same conclusion.Sam’s new man has more than sussed out the gaps in her cover story and because he cares about her, a definite point in his favour, he’s trying to fill in the blanks.I can’t say I blame him; mysteries are compelling at the best of times, but add to that the impetus of new love and wanting to know and embrace everything about the newly discovered beloved: potential recipe for security issues. Unfortunately for Sam, and possibly for us, that burgeoning concern and insatiable curiosity comes all wrapped up in a package labelled ‘cop’, even worse, a homicide detective, a trained observer and someone who makes a living tracking down clues and solving puzzles… 

We’re going to have to be on our toes around this guy. 

“Nope,” I answer Pete.“I’m a civilian consultant.” 

“And you work with Sam?” he presses.“Doing…?” 

Fishing, he’s definitely fishing… 

“Yes, he does,” Jack smoothly interjects, his tone low, and friendly, with just a hint of ‘don’t mess with me, you won’t like what happens’. 

“You, Sam, and all these people.You all work together.What was it again, deep space radar telemetry?” 

Still fishing.Also, apparently not easy to intimidate.He’s meeting Jack eye to eye, not backing down an iota. 

I’m impressed.So is Jack. 

“That’s right. Kinda has a cool ring to it, don’t you think?”Jack smiles, and pats the bench beside him.“But enough about us, let’s hear about you.Come on, you two, sit down, we’ll chat, have a couple of beers…” 

Pete gets and accepts the fish aren’t biting; the interrogation portion of the afternoon has been officially terminated.His curiosity is far from slaked, but he knows when to back off. 

Yeah, definitely smart.Which means he could be a whole bunch of eager, well-meaning trouble, but I sincerely hope not, for Sam’s sake. 

“A beer would be great, Colonel – I mean Jack,” Pete grins, shifting back into enthusiastic puppy mode and moving to settle in beside Jack. 

“There ya go. Carter, how about you?Beer? " 

“No – no thank you… Sir, I’m… we… we weren’t going to stay, I just wanted…” 

“Oh, pshaw, Carter, what’s your rush; pull up a picnic bench and park it for awhile.“Hang out,” Jack finishes with an ironic smile. 

Sam settles herself beside me with a softly expressed, but extremely unhappy sigh.The whole time Jack and Pete have obviously been bonding Sam’s expression has been growing progressively troubled.Although she’s doing her best to brave-face this little confrontation it doesn’t seem to be sitting well with her at all Jack has been manifestly cavalier about Pete’s existence and even more accepting of and willing to accommodate his presence. 

The beer thing has really set her world on its ass. 

I’m thinking this wasn’t the reaction she was going for when she decided to bring Pete here and present him to Jack.I’m thinking she was hoping meeting the ‘competition’ would have elicited quite a different response from our favourite colonel. 

Now it’s apparent Jack is perfectly fine with his ‘rival’ to the point of partaking of the male bonding beer ritual with him she doesn’t want to stick around and have her nose rubbed in yet another rejection, but short of throwing a hissy fit and dragging Pete out by one ear, she’s kinda choice-less at the moment. 

Because it’s more than plain to both her and me Jack’s not in any hurry to let them get away and her off the hook. 

That thing I said earlier about payback not always being a bitch? 

I was wrong. 

I know why Jack is doing this, and part of me understands and realizes it’s unfortunately necessary but the other part so wishes it wasn’t.Sam’s clearly not enjoying having to swallow yet another sharp slice of reality being served up to her a la carte and to be honest, neither am I.I’m sorry, Sam, I really am, but it’s for the best.You’ve got a good guy there, a chance for genuine happiness with someone you actually have a chance with.Grab him with both hands and run like hell. 

Maybe this will finally do it.Make her wake up and see she’s been sniffing up the wrong colonel. 

Um… that didn’t come out quite right. 

“Daniel?” Jack says after throwing his arm around Pete’s shoulders.“How would you like to rustle up a beer for my friend here?” 

“Sure,” I nod and push myself to my feet.“I presume you want one as well.” 

“As long as you’re going, I wouldn’t mind,” Jack shrugs. 

“Okey doke, and one for you, Sam?” 

“Sure, why the hell not,” she grumbles and casts a baleful glance at Jack he ignores and Pete completely misses.“Hold on, I’ll help you.” 

Oh… joy… 

I make a break for it, taking a swift, circuitous path through the partiers for the bar, hoping to secure the requested beverages and return to the table before Sam catches up to me. 

“Daniel, wait up!” 

Reluctantly I throttle back and allow her to catch up with me. 

“What happened with you and Lindsay?” she asks as soon as she reaches me.“I don’t understand, you said things were going well.” 

Her concerned expression cuts deep, and I feel like a total ass. 

“I – I – I know what I said, but I was wrong.We weren’t…” I struggle for something plausible to tell her but I’m having trouble lying around my guilt while watching every word coming out of my mouth making her face get longer and sadder for me. 

“I wasn’t her type,” I finally blurt.“And I'm really not ready... just wasn't meant to be, I guess,” I shrug while wanting to shoot myself. 

Oh God, look at her, if she could weep tears of blood for me now, she would. I am _such_ a schmuck! 

“Oh, Daniel, I’m so sorry to hear that,” she murmurs, her voice reeking with almost overwhelming sympathy.“I really hoped you two would be good for each other, for both your sakes, but especially yours.Daniel, I know you think you're not ready but you need someone in your life and I really thought I’d found her for you.” 

She puts her arm around my waist, leaning her head against me and we walk on towards the bar that way, not saying anything more about it.I can feel the heights of her hope and the depths of her disappointment swirling around me, mingled with her pity and concern and it touches me, more than I can say, feeling how much she cares about me and my happiness and there’s a part of me, deeply buried and restrained by unfortunate necessity, the part that loves her so much and wants to turn her around and tell her everything, share my secret with her and tell her what she wants for me I already have, I’m so happy, I’m so loved, she doesn't have to worry about me.  I want to tell her, I want to, oh God, howI want to and I’m so close to breaking and giving in to the almost overwhelming desire to tell her she doesn’t have to grieve for me, but that shadow of uncertainty, that small, warning bell inside me… 

She loves me now, as long as she thinks I’m something I’m not, never dreaming I’m any threat to her own dreams about our colonel but if she knew, really knew I already have a special someone and his name is Jack… 

Would she love me then? 

* * *

“Well, look who’s finally coming to bed.” 

“Oh, you’re still awake.” 

“Obviously.What time is it anyway?” 

“You don’t want to know.” 

“That late?Did you turn off all the lights?” 

“What do you think?” 

“Check all the doors were locked?” 

“Jack.” 

“What about - " 

“Okay, Jack, you’ve found me out, I confess all, before I came to bed I went around the whole house turning on the lights, I opened all the windows, left the doors wide open, turned on all the faucets and the appliances and for good measure I threw a handful of carpet tacks along the hallway and down the stairs.” 

“Fine.Point taken.Stop being such a sarcastic bastard and come to bed already.” 

“Okay.Move over.” 

“Snuggling.That’s nice.Daniel?” 

“What?” 

“Are you _sure_ you locked all the doors?” 

“JACK!” 

“Okay, okay, I’m just saying…So, did you have a good time today, baby?” 

“That’s one, and for the most part, yeah I did.” 

“Looks like the geekette made out all right too.Or maybe she is as we speak.” 

“I really don’t know about that, I’m just happy it all went well.So…” 

“So?” 

“What do you think about…” 

“Pete?Seems nice enough. Talks a lot.Smiles even more.Impressive handshake.He’s clearly nutso about Carter.” 

“Yeah, I got that.He’s definitely smitten.Honestly, I’m not so sure about… Sam.About him, I mean.I know what she says, but…” 

“Trust me, Daniel, that guy’s not going anywhere any time soon.He’ll wear her down eventually.” 

“Wow, there’s a nice image.” 

“You know what I mean.” 

“For Pete’s sake, I hope you’re right. 

“Is it just me, or does the guy remind you of a – a - "

“Puppy?” 

“Yeah.Big, babbling, bouncy, panting and drooling.At one point I was tempted to throw Carter to see if he’d fetch her.” 

“Oh, that’s droll, Jack. It’s the eyes.The ‘eager to please’ desperation.Very puppy-like.” 

“That and the wet nose.” 

“Okay, can we not talk about this any more?” 

“Fine.So, the fourth is over and done with.Always a good time, especially if Hammond is hosting the party, but not my favourite holiday in July.The main event is yet to come.” 

“What are you talking about, there isn’t another… oh.That.” 

“Yes, Daniel, _that._ Only the most significant day in the year, as far as I’m concerned.So, it isn’t an official national holiday, but it damned well should be, and you wait, I’m thinking one day it will be.” 

“You, sir, have officially moved into la-la land.” 

“Long as you’re living there with me, I have no problems with that.” 

“Sweet.Strangely delusional, but still… sweet.Jack, it’s just my…" 

“Say it, Daniel, it’s not a dirty word.” 

“”Birth…” 

“Come on, you can do it!” 

“Birthday!My birthday, okay; I said it, you happy now?” 

“Very good, it only took you one try to get it out this time.Hot damn, we’re making progress here.Maybe next year you’ll be able to say the ‘B’ word without any problem at all.” 

“I can say it just fine, what I don’t understand is why you are so obsessed with making such a big deal about it, it’s just one stupid day out of the year just like every other stupid - " 

“You know, Daniel, you say this every year.‘It’s just my birthday, Jack, just like any other day of the year; you don’t need to do anything special.’And every year you’re like a kid in a book store when I spring my yearly extravaganza on ya.” 

“That’s candy store.” 

“What?” 

“What you said, it’s kid in a candy store, not a - " 

“Daniel, how much time did you spend in candy stores when you were a kid?” 

“Oh.Right.What was I thinking?” 

“Yeah, trust me, baby, four days from now you’re gonna be a very happy man.I’m gonna show you fireworks that’ll make the fourth look like - like - " 

“That’s sweet, Jack, but honestly, you don’t need to.That’s two, by the way.” 

“Yeah, I do.I really do.And you love it.” 

“Whatever makes you happy.” 

“Now you’re talking.Give me some sugar, baby!” 

“And that’s three!” 

“Daniel, what are you – aw crap, you know how hard it was to get that stuff out the last – Daniel, come on, it’s just a little word, you don’t have to get all – **DANIEL!!!!!”**

* * *

“So, Daniel, what does it say?”

I ignore the nagging noise behind me sounding suspiciously like Jack...nagging and brush the dirt away from the symbols of the last line of the inscription.If he would just shut up and let me concentrate…

“You know; if you would just shut up and let me concentrate for a minute I’d be able to tell you!” 

“You said that ten minutes ago,” Jack dryly observes.“You also said the lingo on that stone thingee - " 

“Stele.” 

“Whatever \- is Ancient, you can read that crap in your sleep.What’s the hold-up?” 

Honestly, I have to go through this with him every single – he doesn’t understand, what I do it’s not like I can spit it out on demand; even if you understand a language, sometimes things just don’t make sense, that’s what _he_ doesn’t _get_ and it always makes me _crazy_! 

“Jack.” I take several, calming breaths, then turn around and look down at him from my vantage point on top of the stone podium the stele I’m studying is standing on.“Yes, I can read Ancient, but there’s Ancient, and then there’s Ancient, and this is _really_ ancient so trying to figure out what it says, it’s not as easy as you might think.” 

Jack cocks his head and blinks up at me like he hasn’t head a word I’ve said. 

“So, five more minutes, ten tops?” 

“Sure, Jack, whatever you say,” I snap at him and turn back to the mouldering, cryptic symbols I’m struggling to decipher.“Why don’t you go and bother Sam and Teal’c for awhile.I’ve got work to do.” 

Right on cue Sam and Teal’c enter through the wide stone portal of the vast, domed chamber Jack and I were previously the sole occupants of.Sam’s head is bowed over her hand-held detector and I can hear it humming from here. 

Oh oh. 

“Carter?”Jack says. 

“We were circling the building and I wasn’t picking up anything,” Sam crisply reports.“All of a sudden I got a spike.The readings are faint but I’m definitely getting something now.Seems to be coming from there,” she finishes, pointing at where I’m standing. 

Of course it is.And it here it comes. 

“Daniel, what did you touch?”Jack says in a sweetly indulgent yet incredibly patronizing voice. 

“Nothing, there’s nothing to touch!”I bristle back at him.“It’s just bare stone, no machinery, no moving parts no - " 

Oh wait, I did touch the inscription. 

Crap. 

“You did mention you believe this structure pre-dates all of the Ancient sites we have visited by many thousands of years, did you not, DanielJackson,” Teal’c gravely offers. “That being the case, while there might not appear to be a mechanism in this location, such as have been at the previous Ancient sites we have discovered, perhaps the stele is more than it seems, and the Ancient technology we seek is here, although not immediately apparent.” 

Oh, I hadn’t thought about that.The stele isn’t a simple monument, it’s actually…

Okay, I’d better get back to this translation. 

“I see where you’re going with this, Teal’c,” Sam pipes up after I turn my back on the assemblage beneath me to resume doing battle with the baffling marks before me.“It’s clear the power source is somewhere in the vicinity of that thing, but what you’re saying is it might actually be inside it because it’s not simply a monument, as we previously believed, the whole thing is the mechanism.”

Wait a minute, wait a minute, I think I’m getting this.Yeah, that’s the word for puzzle.I’m sure of it, such an archaic form, though, no wonder I missed it. 

“So you’re saying that stone thing, not a big, horking stone… thing, but one of those freaky Ancient devices?”Jack says. 

_ What is, is not all _ .That’s what it says. Yup, definitely what it says. That’s what it says, but what does it mean? 

“I think so, Sir.” 

I dunno, maybe the next line will shed some light. 

“Something we don’t know what the hell it’s for and could go off in our faces without any warning and do God only knows what?That kind of freaky Ancient device?” 

Puzzle, puzzle, we got that one.What the puzzle?Examine?No, that’s not quite right. 

“It’s possible, Sir.” 

_ Explore _ !Okay, moving on, almost cracked this thing. 

“Daniel?” 

I’ve got my back to Jack so I can’t see him, but I can hear it in his voice, he’s getting edgy, I’d better hurry, he’s starting towards the stairs behind me, gonna pull me off this thing, just a few more seconds… 

“I’ve got it!” I exclaim, and whirl around just as Jack puts one foot on the bottom step.“I know what it says!” 

“And?” Jack prompts, looking up at me.He’s paused for the moment, but his foot is still on the stair and if he doesn’t like what he’s about to hear we are out of here. 

“ _What is, is not all there is_ ,” I read from the stele after turning back around. _“There is also what could have been.Explore this puzzle if you dare, but be warned, some paths are best left_ _untrammeled_ _.”_

I’m still not so sure about the last line, I don’t think it’s complete, there’s a bit there, underneath the text, a really encrusted section, there could be more text, but I can’t tell without cleaning the stone first. 

“Daniel, what are you doing?”Jack barks at me. 

“I was just – I think there might be another line or two of text, but I can’t be sure without - " 

“Do me a favour and don’t touch anything on that thing,” Jack says.“Not until we know more about it.” 

“How are we going to do that unless I see if there’s any more to translate?”I stubbornly insist. 

“Let’s work with what we have for the moment,” Jack reasonably rebuts.“Which is, if you ask me, pretty damned cryptic.All that hoo hah you just said.What does it mean?” 

I was afraid he was going to ask me that. 

“I have no idea; I just know what it says.” 

“Well, that’s not very helpful, is it?” Jack shrugs.“Carter thinks this stone thing is some sort of Ancient device.What do you think?” 

“It’s possible.I – I don’t know.” 

It could be, but if it is, I wonder what it does. 

“What’s it do?” Jack muses, narrowing his eyes while scanning the stele from top to bottom. 

There’s an abrupt ‘bamf’ sound and the entire chamber is suddenly flooded with blinding white light.And I do mean blinding. 

I really hate it when this happens. 

“Crap!”I hear Jack yell. 

Just as suddenly as it came, the light is gone.Blinking, I look around, look down, trying to focus.Nothing in the chamber has changed; everything looks exactly the same, Jack, Sam and Teal’c are in the same places they were, they look okay, thank God, everyone’s okay but… 

They’re all staring at me, why are they staring at me?Jack’s eyes are fairly bugging out of his head, Sam’s got her hand clapped to her mouth like she’s trying to hold something back and Teal’c – 

Well he’s just staring. 

What’s going on?I grow another head or something? 

“Daniel,” Jack chokes out; then clears his throat.“That – that is _you,_ isn’t it?" 

“What do you mean, is it me, of course it’s me, you can see that, what are you talking about?” 

What the hell is he talking about and why is he – he’s staring at my chest.Why is he staring at my chest? 

“I’m only asking because…” Jack falters, breaks off, takes a deep breath and clears his throat again.“I’m only asking because you’ve– you’ve got _breasts_!” 

“WHAT?” 

I clutch my chest, looking down at myself at the same time.I’m fine, I’m still me, that is, as much of me as I can see – I still look exactly the same. 

Definitely breast-less. 

“I do not!”I indignantly blurt. 

“Oh yeah, you do,” Jack emphatically nods, his eyes widening ashis gaze leaves my chest and moves slowly up and down my entire body.“You most definitely do. Mind you, they kinda work with the whole new look you’ve got going for you at the moment.” 

Oh my God, what is he looking at, what is he seeing?Whatever it is – it’s me, but I don’t think it’s me – me the way he’s staring, his eyes get any bigger they’re gonna fall right out of his head! 

“I do not have breasts!”I inanely assert. 

“You’re right, you don’t,” Sam tells my crotch.She’s staring at my crotch.Oh my God, what is _that_ all about? 

“Indeed, he does not, O’Neill,” Teal’c chimes in.I don’t know what he’s looking at, he seems to be staring past me, his eyes tracking something… moving. 

“Thank you!”I acknowledge my allies, put my hands on my hips and prepare to face off with Jack. 

Who is still staring and gawping like he’s never seen me before.Oh my God, he’s almost salivating! He’d better stop it, it’s creeping me out! 

Sam starts to giggle. 

“What’s so funny?”I yell at her. I’m bewildered, sliding towards scared, way past steamed and becoming slightly animated in my agitation.Sam giggles again and snorts before giving way to peals of hysterical laughter and Jack’s eyes are back on my chest, his head moving up and down like he’s watching something… bouncing… 

This is not happening.Not, not happening. 

“I’m sorry, Daniel,” Sam finally manages to gasp after regaining a tenuous modicum of self-control.“Sorry for laughing at you but I can’t help it, you’re just so _adorable_!You look – you look like you’re about five years old and you’re so darned _cute_!” 

What did she just say? 

“Are you telling me when you look at me you see a little kid?” 

“Mmm hmmm,” Sam nods vigorously, smothering another giggle. 

Oookay, that explains why Sam is staring at my crotch.If she’s seeing me as a five year old to her, that’s probably right about where the top of my head is. 

I can’t believe I just said that.I can’t believe how calmly I’m taking this.Okay, what just happened here?The inscription was talking about… then Jack said… we were all subjected to a weird Ancient light show and now when Sam looks at me she sees my inner child on the outside, and Jack, apparently Jack is seeing me as… 

I can’t even say it! 

I look down at myself again.I’m still me to me but to them, I’m… different.I don’t get it, why are they still them to me, but to them I’m – 

I have to hear it again, I still don’t believe it! 

“Let me get this straight,” I manage to get out after staving off an almost overwhelming urge to hyperventilate.“You all look the same to me but to you - " I point at Sam. “I look like a little kid.That right?” 

She nods vigorously, biting her lip. 

“And you - " I point at Jack. 

“You know, this started out weird, but I could get used to it,” Jack thoughtfully muses.“How do you feel about being called Danielle?” he asks hopefully. 

“Actually, from my perspective L’ll Danny would be more appropriate,” Sam snickers. 

“I hate it!” I snarl at him.“Don’t do it again if you want to live!” I tell him with all the sincere menace I can muster.“And you,” I point at Sam, my hand slightly shaking.“Don’t even _start_ with me.Okay,” I turn to the last, and up until now mostly silent member of the assemblage.“What about you, Teal’c, do I look like a little kid or a - a - " 

I still can’t say it. 

“A female,” Teal’c finishes for me. 

“Yeah… that,” I nod gratefully, gesturing for him to continue.“Well, do I?” 

“Indeed, you do not, DanielJackson,” he assures me, bowing gravely. 

Thank God, at least one sane person in the crowd.Now we’re getting somewhere. 

“Your appearance is much the same as before,” he adds.“However, I must confess I find the addition of the prehensile tail extremely disquieting.” 

He’s kidding.He has to be kidding. 

I can’t help it; my hands fly to my ass. 

There’s nothing there that shouldn’t be there.No tail, no… 

No tail.No damned breasts either. 

I… I knew that.As far as I can see and feel, despite what my team mates are saying they are seeing, nothing about me has actually physically changed. 

I’m still me. No additions, deletions or gender alterations.They’re the ones with the perception problem. And… apparently having _way_ too much fun at my expense.Especially… 

“Shut up!”Jack hoots at Teal’c with a grin so big it threatens to swallow his face.“Danielle has a tail? _This_ I gotta _see_!” 

Jack leans forward, craning his neck so he can get a better view of my ass.I’m not sure if looking for my alleged tail is his actual objective or if he just wants to check out my… 

Tail. 

Okay, I’m officially as freaked out as I’m going to allow myself to be. 

“We’re looking at Daniel, but we’re each seeing different… versions… of Daniel,” Sam thoughtfully offers. “However, from Daniel’s perspective, _we_ haven’t changed and neither has _he_ , so actually, it would appear _none_ of the Daniels _we_ are seeing are actually real. It has to be the machine, Sir.” 

“Ya think?”Jack snorts.“I guess we found out what it does.Can’t imagine why, though.” 

I don’t _care_ why; I just want to go home, climb under my bed and never come out again. 

Well, I might emerge occasionally for coffee, but that’s it! 

“So, Danielle,” Jack says, his grin getting smarmier by the second. 

“ _Stop CALLING me THAT!”_ I shriek at him. 

Oh God, I’m shrieking now.Not to mention freaking. 

“Okay,” he soothes, still smiling.“Chill already.You sure you’re still you?You’re acting kinda funny.It’s not a… female… thing, is it?You know, hormones?” he leers, waggling his eyebrows at me. 

I can’t believe he just said that!Does he _want_ me to shoot him? 

“Of course I’m sure!You’re still you and I’m still me!” 

“Not from what I’m seein’,” Jack responds with an apologetic shrug. 

He’s not sorry at all, damn him, he’s enjoying this way too much and I find that disturbing on too many levels to count. 

“I have to go along with the colonel, Daniel,” Sam adds with a rueful smile. 

There’s a shocker! 

“I must regretfully also concur with O’Neill and Major Carter,” Teal’c chimes in.“Your outward appearance does indeed seem to have undergone a noticeable alteration.” 

“I don’t care what you think you’re seeing, you’re all wrong!”I’m starting to sound distinctly hysterical, not to mention alarming alone in my belief in my own reality, but I know what I see and feel. 

I’m… me. 

I – I think. 

“Are you sure?”Jack frowns.“How do you know; you can’t see your own face.” 

“I can see enough to know I’m male!”I glare at him.“A mature, _adult_ male,”I fire at Sam. 

I’m so not even touching the tail thing. 

Wait a minute, I’ve got an idea. 

“Sam, give me your compact.” 

Mirror, I need a mirror. 

“Why do you assume I have a compact?” Sam bristles. 

“You’re a girl, Carter, it goes without saying,” Jack sighs.“Just – give it to he – him,” he quickly catches himself. 

Sam mutters to herself and starts fishing around in one of her vest pockets.Okay, I can use the mirror to verify I’m still me, but, oops, detecting a slight flaw in the strategy, I’m not the one needs convincing, the mirror will work for me, but not for them.And now I’m thinking about it a bit more, if this device is doing what I think it’s doing, using a mirror won’t prove anything at all. 

Not even to me. 

“Never mind, Sam,” I sigh.“It’s not going to help. I know what I see when I look at myself, and at you, but that doesn’t mean what I’m seeing is any more real than what you guys see.” 

“Because of what the machine could be doing to all of us?”Sam stops rummaging in her vest and addresses my crotch. 

I really wish she’d stop doing that. 

“It’s definitely altering _your_ subjective perceptions of reality with regards to me, specifically, but what we have to determine somehow - " 

“Is whether _your_ perceptions are also being altered, or if you are exempt from the subjective effect and are simply the object _we_ are being influenced to perceive differently.Which would of course automatically mean you are the only one seeing actual reality.” 

Um…yeah! 

“I almost understood that,” Jack marvels.“Cool.Who’s reality is really real, ours or yours.” 

“Or none,” Teal’c booms. 

Oooh, that’s a scary thought.I wish he hadn’t said that. 

“I wish you hadn’t said that,” Jack shudders. “So, sounds like a plan,” Jack tilts his head and squints up at me.“Now we’re agreed we all need a reality check, got any ideas how we’re gonna do it, Danielle?” 

“Will you STOP calling me that!”I howl at him. 

I swear, if he doesn’t stop _drooling_ and licking his lips… 

“Okay, okay,” Jack holds up his hands in a gesture of surrender.“Just, gimme a break and stop bouncing, will ya?It’s very… distracting,” he flushes. 

I am so _angry_ at Jack right now. I want to kill him, very slowly, very painfully, at the very least _permanently_ remove that shit-eating smirk from his face.But I can’t let my rage at the disturbing ease with which he seems to have embraced ‘Danielle’ overwhelm me; I’ve got to stay calm, focus, think. I might be the only one capable of seeing what’s really real, the only one who can get us out of this, somehow figure out how to get things back to normal. 

I’ll do it.I’ll figure it out.Pull another impossible solution to a seemingly insoluble situation out of my ass Sam will later take credit for and get _our_ asses out of this. 

Then I’ll kill him. 

Think, think, think, _think!_

Oooh, I _got_ it! 

“Camcorder!”I blurt. 

“That could work,” Sam nods.“If the device is affecting us, our minds, and not our technology…” 

“The camcorder should record what’s really, really real, and hopefully we’ll be able to see the way things really are.”Jack interjects.“Whatever the hell that is. Good, go for it.” 

“Already on it,” I say while rooting through my pack.What the hell, where is the stupid thing, I just had my hands on it.What the – what is _that_ doing in there… 

Ah ha, success! 

“Got it!” I jump to my feet, camcorder in hand and head down the stairs to meet Sam, who’s stopped at the foot of the staircase.She stands beside Jack, looking up at me. 

Well, half of me, anyway. 

I wish she’s stop grinning like that. 

I’m two steps above her about to hand off the unit when she suddenly giggles again. 

“I’m sorry, Daniel, I can’t help it, you’re just so darned _cute_!” she gushes and suddenly reaches out like she intends to pinch one of my- 

“Sam!”I squeak and frantically backpedal before her hand connects with a portion of my anatomy I’d much rather she not become familiar with.At all.“God, watch where you’re – six feet tall, Sam, head - up here!”I wave the camcorder frantically over my head.“Not… half of that,” I finish, waving it at waist level. 

“Oh,” Sam gulps and grimaces.“Sorry about that!” 

“I don’t think the cheeks you almost pinched were the ones you were going for,” Jack drolly observes, still craning his neck in an attempt to get a better look at my ass. 

Danielle’s ass. 

Whatever. 

“I’ll just toss it to you, shall I?”I mutter at her.After she catches it I cross my arms and wait, inwardly fuming, while she fiddles, then aims and shoots. 

“That should be enough,” she says after several seconds.“Let me just…” she fiddles with it some more while Jack peers over her shoulder in order to see the playback. 

“Yep, that’s Daniel all right,” Jack nods with what I swear sounds like a disappointed sigh. “Same as he ever was.So, that settles it, he’s fine, we’re the ones who are screwed up.” 

Nothing, I’m saying nothing. 

“Thank you!” I snarl at them.“So, now what?” 

“Clearly, we must find some way to return our perceptions to normal,” Teal’c offers. 

“How, we don’t even know why this happened in the first place,” Sam responds.“I could examine the stele, but my perceptions are compromised, I don’t know if what I’m seeing is real, if I try to…fix it, how do I know - " 

“I don’t _care_ what you do,” Jack barks at her.“Just do it!” 

“Make it _stop_ now!” Jack and I simultaneously shout at her. 

_ Bamf!  _

“Crap!”Jack yells again as the room whites out. 

And… we’re back. 

“Daniel!”Jack gapes at me.“Wow, there you are, breast-less.Not that there was anything wrong with them, the breasts, that is, they were very nice, but they weren’t exactly you – okay, they worked with that you, but this you not so much.And now they’re gone,” he finishes sheepishly.“Welcome back?” 

I must be going crazy, he can’t possibly have preferred me as Danielle but his face, his expression – he actually looks _sorry_ I’m me again and not… 

_ Still can’t say it!  _

“Indeed,” Teal’c echoes.“DanielJackson, you have resumed your accustomed appearance.” 

Yippee for me.And guess what, if today’s alternate offerings of Daniel Jackson haven’t been entertaining enough, here’s another treat for you; this is what I look like when I’m leaving. 

I silently stomp down the stairs, intending to put as much distance between me and my team mates, but most especially Jack, as quickly as possible. 

“What just happened here?”Sam blinks and stares. 

“How the hell am I supposed to know,” Jack shrugs. “Whatever that thing was doing to us, it’s not doing it any more, so we’re so out of here.” 

Way ahead of you, folks.Talk amongst yourselves if you please, me, I’m gone. 

I don’t look at Jack while stalking past him, I’m making for the exit and I’m not stopping until I’m home. 

My own bought and paid for with my own damned money I hardly ever see because I’m always at Jack’s but after what’s happened here today that might be changing… home.Jack had better take a good look at my ass, commit it to memory, even, because it’s going to be awhile before he sees it again. 

“T – I can’t stand it, I gotta know, what was the deal with the tail?”Behind me, I hear Jack inquire of our Jaffa companion. 

I keep walking.Really not interested in the answer. 

“Spacemonkey,” Teal’c rumbles in response. 

Okay, maybe slightly curious. 

“Come again?”Jack says. 

“I have always been curious why you assigned that particular appellation to DanielJackson,” Teal’c explains.“All the years I have known him I have never observed him to evidence the slightest resemblance to an extra-terrestrial primate except for the occasional tendency to bounce when extremely agitated.” 

Well, that’s nice to know.However, while it’s weird enough to think Teal’c has been secretly scoping me for simian characteristics all these years, apparently he’s not the only one. 

Not only does Jack fancy me as a woman, but… 

Oh don’t go there, Daniel, down that road lies only madness. 

“Perhaps the machine detected my confusion and sought to satisfy it.” 

Okay, that makes a certain amount of twisted… but disturbing sense.So, that takes care of Teal’c’s reality issues, but what about the other two? 

“Wow, that’s… disturbing,” Jack answers.“I swear, it was just something that popped into my head, I never meant it to _mean_ anything and certainly never intended to suggest I thought Daniel looked anything like a monk – you really saw him – Daniel - with a tail?” he finishes with a loud whisper. 

“Indeed,” Teal’c replies.“However, as sharing that fact with DanielJackson seemed to upset him, I deemed it prudent to refrain from mentioning the ears.” 

We thank you from the bottom of our hearts.I really have to get out of here now. 

“What of yourself, O’Neill,” Teal’c continues.“Does DanielJackson know you are harbouring a secret desire he become a member of the opposite sex - "

He does now.And that pretty much does it, I’m gone. 

I take off down the path toward the gate, not caring if any of my team mates are following me, or are within a hundred mile radius of me, for that matter, truth be told.That part of the inscription about some paths best left alone?Right now, I’m with them. I could have gone a whole lifetime without going through what’s happened to me today and subsequently finding out… what I’ve beenshown today. Never mind what they saw, that was humiliating enough but I can learn to live with it, what I have no idea what to do with is _why_ they saw me the way they did, what it possibly, and very probably means. 

What _does_ it mean?Everything?Nothing? 

Sam prefers me pint-sized, Teal’c has been making a monkey’s uncle out of me and Jack? 

I can’t even – I can’t even go there. 

What does it mean?Why would he – how can he – 

Does he _really_ feel that way? 

Really? 

“Daniel!”Jack hollers from behind me.“What the hell, why are you – wait up, for crying out loud!” 

I quicken my pace, trying to block out the sounds of Jack’s running footfalls behind me.I know this is stupid, it’s probably – it probably means nothing, but it’s just – I feel so – how long has he been feeling like this, is it something recent, or has he always, as long as we’ve been… together and if he does, why - why would he… 

What’s wrong with me the way I am, am I not _good_ enough for him, why not, why would he want me to be… 

That? 

“Daniel!”Jack chides after he sliding to a stop and falling into step beside me. “What’s the matter with you, why did you take off, without us, you know better than that!” 

“Go away, Jack,” I snarl at him, fiercely blinking back any betraying indicators of how shaken and upset I really am. Which is… really upset; and I think that scares me the most of all. 

“Leave me alone. I don’t – I don’t want to talk to you right now.” 

I don’t, I can’t, not now I – I have to sort this all out somehow before I can. 

“What?”Jack gapes.“What the hell brought this on?” 

I can’t believe what I’m hearing.How can he be so damned _obtuse_!Doesn’t he realize what happened back there, doesn’t he understand… 

“Wow, you’re really upset!” he softens his voice, realization setting in as he gets a better look at me and sees, even though I’m trying desperately not to let him. 

“Daniel, you’re kidding, right?You’re not seriously letting a stupid little thing like - " 

“Stupid!”I hiss at him.“Stupid?You don’t think I should find learning you secretly wish I was a woman upsetting!Oh, silly me, I can’t imagine why I should take such a trivia detail like that personally!How long have you been feeling this way, Jack, and how inconvenient has it been for you to have to deal with me as I am when all the while you’ve been wishing I had – had - " 

I have to stop talking because I want to scream at him, vent this terrible disappointment and rage swelling inside me but I can’t, I have to keep a lid on it, can’t get too loud, can’t say what I really feel because Sam and Teal’c are right behind us, have to remember that, can’t let it out now… 

“I wish you were a woman?”Jack exclaims.“Is that what you think?” 

His tone is incredulous, with more than a hint of hurt, but I don’t know what to believe any more.I ignore him and keep walking. 

We’ve reached the ring of standing stone surrounding the Stargate.The DHD is just a few short feet away.Suddenly Jack grabs my arm and whirls me to face him. 

“Daniel, you’ve got it all wrong!” he desperately whispers. 

“Do I?”I spit back at him.“Seems to me maybe I’m seeing things clearly for the first time.Teal’c’s explanation seems plausible enough, and Sam, I can understand why she’s been nursing a secret desire to infant-asize me but you – this – I have to think about this, Jack, this, this changes things.I have to think about what this means for us – or – or - if this is the way you really feel about me, if there even should _be_ an _us!”_

I didn’t mean to say that and yet – and yet I did, I feel so confused, so…so… 

“Daniel, don’t say that!” Jack tightens his grip on my arm until he’s hurting me, his face shocked and stricken.“You don’t understand, it’s not – it’s not like that, I don’t want - " 

“Yes you do!” I shrug off his hand and he lets me.“I saw the look on your face when ‘Danielle’ was gone and all you were left with was me.She’s the one you really want!” 

“No,” Jack says softly.“No, Daniel, you’re wrong, please, let me explain.” 

“Leave me alone, Jack.” 

I abandon him by the stones and stride over to the DHD.He doesn’t follow me, even if I wanted him to, which I don’t there wouldn’t be a lot of point; this conversation is over.Sam and Teal’c have caught up to us.The window of opportunity has just slammed shut. 

“What’s the matter with Daniel?”Sam asks Jack.I ignore all three of them and start dialling home. 

My hand is hovering over the centre crystal when the staff blast shears past my left shoulder. 

“Cover!”Jack howls, and strafes the return path of the blast.Shaking at how close the blast came to me, I throw myself down behind the only cover available to me – the DHD itself.I cower behind my meagre shelter while my team mates fan out in front of me along the ring of stones, staff blasts raining down on our position from three different angles. 

Jaffa !Oh God, why them, why now? 

I can’t think about that right now, we’re in trouble, Jack and the others are doing their best to cover me, I have a job to do. 

“Daniel!”Jack barks, scurrying quickly to the next stone down the line so he can fire at the Jaffa who’s just popped up from behind the tree-line to my right in order to take a shot at me.The Jaffa goes down. 

“Do it!”he yells at me while all three of my team mates lay down a withering blanket of covering fire. 

I don’t hesitate, leaping up to push the centre crystal, then diving back down behind the DHD.The gate boils into life behind us, the lapping sounds of the active event horizon barely audible over the deafening din of thundering staff bolts and P-90 fire. 

My team are doing their jobs, I have to finish mine. 

Still hunkering behind the DHD I quickly send the Iris code and then hit my transmitter. 

“This is Daniel Jackson,” I yell into the comm while peeking around the pedestal in an attempt to see what’s going on behind me.“General Hammond, we’ve been pinned down at the gate by a Jaffa patrol.The rest of SG-l is returning fire, but we can’t come through yet.” 

It’s hard to tell, so many staff blasts, but three, I think it’s only three Jaffa .Not sure. 

Shit!Staff blast!Close, too damn close.Where is it coming from?Cover, I need to find more cover.There is none, nowhere to go. 

“How many, son?” Hammond ’s tinny, barely audible voice sounds in my ear.“Do you need assistance?” 

Jack is moving again, skirting the stone ring, darting to the next one, making his way closer to me as another staff blast slams into the earth mere feet away from the base of the pedestal. He’s trying to cover me, to protect me, knows I’m pinned down, can’t move.Sitting duck.There’s a flutter of movement in the trees to my far right, ah, gotcha!I throw myself to the ground, rolling away from the DHD, bringing up my P-90 to sight on the Jaffa who’s been taking pot shots at me when I’m blinded by a deafening flash, there’s a huge ‘whoosh’ of sound battering my eardrums, and I hear a loud, horrible, hollow, whumping sound. 

My eyes still dazzled, vision wavering I can barely see Jack stumble, pitch forward and fall heavily to the ground, a huge, ghastly smoking hole in his back. 

Oh God, Jack, Jack’s been hit.Oh God, oh God!He’s not moving. 

_ JACK!  _

**_ “SIR!” _ ** Sam shrieks.The desperate, hysterical sound of her voice jerks my attention from Jack’s broken, still body.What’s she doing, she’s jumped up, she’s running, she’s running to Jack. She’s completely out in the open – what’s she doing? 

I feel like I’m the grip of that Ancient machine again, only now it’s my perceptions it’s affecting, making everything slow down, become so clear... 

I should be… but I feel so calm.Sam is running to Jack, shouting something but her words are being carried away by the noise and thunder.Behind her, she doesn’t see him, the Jaffa breaking cover, standing up, sighting on her back.Teal’c doesn’t see him either; he’s firing at the Jaffa who took Jack down. 

Jack… 

I see the Jaffa about to kill Sam.I see him.Calm, still calm.I… I know what to do. 

I ignore Sam, still running to Jack, completely heedless of her own danger, look past her, I know what to do.Raise my weapon... brace... sight... acquire the target, there he is, there he is, calm, steady... hold my breath... squeeze the trigger, don’t jerk.Got ‘em, he starts to fall.Good, that one dealt with, out of the corner of my eye I can see Teal’c has taken out the second Jaffa.That leaves… 

The last Jaffa has thrown his staff weapon down, abandoning his position, running away in panic. Teal’c smoothly pivots, fires. He's history. 

Clear.We’re in the clear.Sam has reached Jack, and thrown herself to her knees beside him.She’s safe.And Jack… 

Jack, oh God, Jack. 

I fall back against the DHD, trembling, feeling weak and dizzy, like I want to toss my cookies into the middle of next Tuesday.Somewhere in the distance I can hear Sam, she’s saying Jack is alive, God, oh thank God, he’s alive, her voice sounds strange, too high and wild.But I can’t – I can’t worry about her now.I have to…  I have to get help. 

“Stargate Command, we need help here,” I babble into my comm.“We’re…     the Jaffa patrol has been neutralized. We’re in the clear, but Colonel O’Neill…” 

I can feel the eerie envelope of calm formerly insulating me beginning to drain away.I feel cold; my hands are shaking, my teeth starting to chatter.“We need medical assistance, Sir,” I manage to get out.“We have a man down.” 

“Shutting the gate down now, son,” Hammond responds.“Help is on the way.” 

Good.Good.Help is good.I wrap my arms around my drawn up legs and rest my forehead on my knees. I can’t think I can’t move I can’t 

Oh Jack… 

* * *

Happy Birthday to me.Yippee. 

Excuse me if I don’t exactly feel like celebrating. 

God, oh God, what a difference a few days makes.Four days ago, I had everything, I had… I had him.Four lousy days ago I was happy.I had a reason to celebrate.My ‘special’ day, my ass.  He's the one who made it special, who made everything make sense, worth living for, he _is_ everything and I'm...

I'm scared.

I can still hear his voice, feel his kisses on my skin.  Promised me, he promised me he was going to rock my world today.  He couldn't wait for it to get here. My birthday.God, I’ve always _hated_ this day, at least, before, I did, before he – before he came into my life all it was, was another reminder I was alone, and it sucked and I hated it, but never so much as I do… now… 

All I want – all I want is for him to wake up, for him to be okay, so I can tell him… tell him… 

Jack, I’m so sorry, please, please wake up so I can tell you how sorry I am for what I said, what I thought. 

He’s gonna wake up, he has to. He’s still alive. He made it through the surgery, he’s still with us. I have to hold onto that, even though he’s been in a coma ever since and Janet says she doesn’t know if he’ll ever come out of it. Can’t think that way; I have to believe he will, he will, he has to. 

He’ll wake up, he’ll be okay, he won’t… 

Don’t leave me, Jack, not – not like this. 

I wipe the tears out of my eyes and try to focus on the text in front of me, but I can’t, it’s all so much… crap.What the shit do I care about the judicial code of a bunch of dead aliens when Jack is lying in the infirmary in a coma he might never come back from, and the reason he’s there, hovering between life and death… 

Me.He was trying to protect me.My fault he was hit, and maybe, because of what I said to him, before we were ambushed, what if he didn’t see, let his guard down because... because… 

I don’t know, I don’t know, maybe I’ll never know but it’s neither here nor there, all the blame in the world won’t change what’s happened, won’t make Jack not hurt, give him back to me.I want him back, I want to be there, with him, I need to be with him, but I can’t, I don’t deserve to be, and besides, she’s there, she won’t leave him, won’t let me be alone… with him. 

Sam, I can’t stop thinking about Sam, what she did, what almost happened to her out there.She’s okay, but it was close, too close, she could be lying in the infirmary beside Jack, right now, instead of glued to that chair by his side where I should be sitting, or worse, she could be in the morgue. 

She lost it out there, totally lost it.Jack went down and she… 

She could have been a casualty as well.Should have been, would have been. 

I’m the only one who knows, and I don’t know what to do about it. 

I want to hate her for being so stupid and nearly getting herself killed but I love her, I’m glad she’s okay, she’s okay but Jack, Jack’s not okay I want, I want Jack back, I want none of this to have happened, I don’t want to know, what I know. 

I just want everything to be okay.Even though I’m scared, so scared everything has changed and nothing is ever going to be okay again. 

I don’t know what to do.Jack, please Jack, wake up and tell me what to do. 

Please wake up. 

“Daniel?” 

Startled by the sound of her voice I look up and see Lindsay standing in my office doorway.She looks absolutely petrified with the presumption she’s taking, like she’d as soon bolt as be here, but she’s here, and she’s… 

She’s staying. 

“Daniel, I know you must be feeling…” she ventures, a slight quaver in her voice, “…really scared, and the last thing you want is someone, in your face, mouthing platitudes, but I’m sorry.I’m really sorry about Colonel O’Neill.” 

She is; she really is.I know how hard this is for her, even though courtesy of Sam’s dating debacle we’re token acquaintances in reality we barely know each other, and she has no concrete reason to expect I’d want or need this from her and yet, the fact she’s here, reaching out to me, battling both her better judgment and her own basic, reticent nature… 

I’m… deeply... very touched. 

“I just wanted to say that,” she says softly.“And if you need, if you need anything, if there’s anything I can do…” 

“You already have,” I tell her sincerely, even as thoughts start whirling around in my brain it shouldn’t be her, here, now, seeking me out to offer a shoulder, comfort and reassurance, it should be Sam, why isn’t it Sam, when did I lose her, why isn’t she here, I want her to be here, to hold me, tell me Jack’s going to be okay. 

“You already have,” I tell her again, and force a smile.“Thank you for your concern.” 

“Everybody’s pulling for him, Daniel.He’s gonna be okay.” 

“Yeah,” I nod sharply and bite my lip against the sudden shard of pain cutting through me.“I know he is; I know…” 

I’m gonna lose it, I can’t talk about this, him, with her, I thought I could, but it’s too much, go, she should go… 

“I’ll – I’ll – I’ll go now,” she says, ducking her head. 

I nod.Can’t speak. 

“You’ll be okay?If you need anything, anything at all - " 

I swivel my chair sharply around as the first sobs shake me.I’m praying she’s gone, but I can’t tell, and it isn’t until several seconds of silence ensue I’m sure. 

I’m alone. 

* * *

“Janet?” 

“Daniel.” Janet looks up from the file she’s studying and frowns at me.“Daniel, you look awful; when was the last time you slept?” 

“I don’t know and I don’t…” I sigh and silently beg her to not go all medical on me.Just this once.“How…how is Jack?” 

“He’s still in a coma, Daniel,” she tells me honestly, closing the folder and rising from her seat.A few steps and she’s by my side, her hand warm and comforting on my arm.“He’s holding his own, but there’s been no change.” 

“But he’s not getting any worse.” I search her dark eyes for whatever small spark of hope I can grab onto.“He’s going to get through this.He’s going to wake up,” I hear myself saying. 

“Daniel, I honestly don’t know.”Her smile is tremulous, but tender.“He’s strong, and nearly as stubborn as you are.There’s a good chance he’ll make a full recovery but I can’t make you any promises.” 

He will; he has to. She believes; I know she does but she can’t – she can’t _say_ any more than maybe, but she’s expecting a miracle. 

Oh Jack, we need one. 

“Why don’t you go and see him?” she gently suggests.“In fact, I’m kind of surprised you’re not already there, with Sam and Teal’c.” 

Teal’c?Teal’c is there too? 

“Daniel, is there something wrong?” 

I want to, I want to be by his side and I – I should, there’s so much I want to say to him, have to say to him but I can’t, they’re there, before me, but maybe that’s just as well.He shouldn’t be alone, someone should be with him, someone who didn’t hurt him, make him careless, get him… 

I need to tell him it’s okay, I didn’t mean, what I said before… but I don’t deserve... 

“Daniel?” 

Janet – Janet’s talking to me better answer. 

“I’m, I’m fine,” I manage to get out. 

“No you’re not,” she gently calls me on the monumental lie. “Go on, go see him,” she urges, patting my arm.“It’ll do you both good.” 

I wish, oh God, I wish... 

I nod and turn away, making my way through Janet’s antiseptic domain.It’s dark and silent, and the rows of pristine, tightly made beds lining my passage are empty.It’s been a slow week for casualties at the SGC; Jack is currently the only resident. 

I slowly approach our customary niche, there, tucked away in the furthest corner of the infirmary, the privacy curtain partially drawn, blocking most of the silent, swaddled figure lying in the bed. Teal’c… I don’t see him, Janet said he was here, but I don’t see him.He should be at the foot of Jack’s bed, standing vigil, but he’s not.I can’t see Sam either, she’s probably sitting close to the head of the bed, concealed by the curtain, but even though I can't see her, I know she's there, all right; I can hear her softly murmuring. 

“You have to get better, Sir. Please, Colonel, please wake up.Oh God, why did I wait, why didn’t I tell you?It can’t be too late, it just can’t.” 

I clear my throat as I round the screen, as much to let her know she’s no longer alone as not wanting to hear any more of what she’s saying.Her head jerks around guiltily at the sound, her tired eyes widening with relief and need when she sees me. 

God, she looks… she looks like I feel. Horrible and hopeless and oh, so lost. Her face is gray and haggard with exhaustion, her eyes and nose red and swollen. 

She’s been crying.The tracks of her latest tears are still drying on her cheeks. 

She’s not the only one.But I’ve been shedding mine where no one can see. 

“Sam,” I barely have time to say before her face crumbles, her eyes fill and immediately overflow. 

“Daniel, where have you been?” she chokes, her lower lip starting to tremble.Huge tears bouncing down her cheeks, she leaps to her feet and throws herself into my arms, almost knocking me over with the vehemence of her embrace.Her face buried in my chest, I feel her start to shake. 

“Oh Daniel I’m so scared,” her muffled voice cracks.“I can’t lose him like this.” 

“He’s not going to die, Sam,” I try to reassure her, my voice gruff and rasping with grief.“He’s going to be fine; we just have to believe… he’s going to be fine.” 

“Oh Daniel, I’ve been such a fool,” she sniffs.“Why did I hold back, why didn’t I tell him and now, it might be too late, he’s going to die, and he’ll never know…” 

I can’t believe this.Jack is – is clinging to life and all she can think about is her stupid, ridiculous crush.Is that why she’s been hovering at his bedside all this time, so she can spring the good news on him the instant his eyes open? 

“I know the colonel loves me, Daniel, he needs to know how I \- " 

I can’t stand it, can’t listen to any more.I grab her by the arms and thrust her away from me, some thing in my head red, raw and howling for release. 

“What does _Jack_ need to know, Sam, what?”I hiss at her and shake her.“That’s who we’re talking about here, Jack, not _the Colonel_.The _Colonel_ is something he does, not who he _is_.What do you know about _Jack_?What, Sam, tell me!You think he loves you, and you love him?How can you _possibly_ love him, you don’t know _anything_ about him!What’s his favourite colour, Sam, pretty basic stuff, do you know that one?Do you know he likes his eggs over easy, his bacon chewy but not too crispy and if you put fruit on his pizza it’s more than your life is worth?Do you know where he buys his gas, takes his dry cleaning, the name of his mechanic?How about his favourite hockey team, got a clue about that one?No, didn’t think so.Do you know where he went to school when he was a kid, that he’s an only child, what about his mother’s name, his father? Do you know when his grandpa first took him to the cabin in Minnesota, where he met Sara, where Charlie’s grave is?Do you know what he dreams, what he fears, what he wants, do you know _anything_ about _Jack_ , or have you been too busy making plans for the _Colonel_ to take him into account?” 

She’s looking up at me her face white, eyes wide and staring with dumb pain.I know I’m hurting her, and I’m starting to yell, but I don’t care, I can’t take any more of this, she has to wake up, she has to see this stupid, _stupid_ obsession she has with Jack almost got her killed today, why won’t she understand she’s living in a fabrication completely unfounded in any scrap of reality, why won’t she _wake up_ and realize she has to let _go_ of this ludicrous, absurd fantasy! 

God, Sam, please, wake up! 

She still staring at me, gulping convulsively, tears streaming down her face.Her eyes are so shocked, so… uncomprehending. 

Then she stops crying, and her face changes, she’s studying me with pitying comprehension. 

“Daniel, I know you don’t mean to hurt me,” she quietly says.“You’re not an intentionally cruel person. I don’t want to hurt you either because I really care about you, but I’m sorry, you’re going to have to stop thinking about yourself and face the truth.” 

Okay, now it’s my turn to stare at her. 

“Um… what?”I stupidly blurt. 

“I know how the Colonel feels about me,” she calmly insists, chin jutting forward defiantly.“So do you, and that’s your problem. I’m sorry if our relationship makes you feel threatened, Daniel, but you have to realize, you can’t keep him to yourself and away from me forever, he deserves to love and be happy again, and sooner or later, he’s going to come to me and leave you behind.You’re just going to have to learn how to deal with that.” 

_ What? _

“Sam,” I say with a heavy sigh, all my former anger swiftly draining away. I’m so tired right now I can barely stand and I’m in no shape, physically or mentally to deal with the full scope of the delusion, but I started this, I have to see it through, have to make her understand whatever Jack does or doesn’t feel for her isn’t the issue – her behaviour in the field is. She almost died out there today because she let her feelings for Jack over-write her training and her judgment and she doesn’t realize it. 

“Sam, forget about all of that now and please listen to me - " 

“No, Daniel, you listen to me!” she insists.“I’ve tried, I’ve really tried to understand this – this _obsession_ you have for the colonel, but it hasn’t been easy. I know he’s really all you’ve had since Shau’ri died, and he knows that too, that’s probably why he’s been putting up with it as long as he has, he doesn’t want to hurt you. But you have to see by holding on to him the way you are, you’re standing in the way of his happiness.” 

I’m so astonished by the words coming out of her mouth I can’t do anything but stand and stare at her.It sounds like a whole, huge whack of arrogant presumption based on total ignorance of what is going on between Jack and me and yet, from her perspective, the way Jack and I must look to her, because she _doesn’t_ know the truth, what she’s saying makes a strange sort of sense.To anyone who doesn’t know Jack and I are, what we are, which hopefully is almost everybody, and certainly is her, our ‘relationship’ probably appears _exactly_ like what she’s saying. 

And when you look at it that way, from the outside without a clue, I don’t know who must appear to be more pathetic, him or me. 

“You’re not doing yourself any good either,” she’s going on.“You deserve to be happy too, Daniel, and that’s never going to happen if you’re always standing in the colonel’s shadow.I wish you’d wake up and face the truth; you’re never going to find anyone to love if you don’t let go and move on.I engineered that little date with Lindsay because I love you, and somebody had to do _something_ because obviously _you_ weren’t going to. I know you blew Lindsay off because you’re not ready to face the truth and let go of your only friend, but Daniel you have to, you’ve got to _try_ to connect with someone _else_ or you’re eventually going to end up without _anyone_.” 

Once Jack finally dumps me for you, you mean. 

She has no idea what she’s saying but she means every word of it.She thinks I’m a lonely, pathetic loser who’s using Jack as a substitute for a real relationship and she wants to save me from my solitary, loveless future. 

Oh Sam… 

God, I feel awful, for everything I’ve been thinking, everything I’ve said… 

“Daniel, it breaks my heart to think of you spending the rest of your life alone,” Sam tells me, a small tear trickling down the side of her nose. 

Oh Sam, you’re so wrong, it’s not like that, not like that at all.I love that you care about me so much, but I’m okay, really I am. 

I have to tell her, I have to take a chance she’ll understand she doesn’t have to worry about either me, or Jack.She has to know the truth, here, now, Jack will kill me later but… 

It’s for the best. We care about each other, we love each other.She'll understand. She’ll be happy for me, eventually, maybe not today but, she will, it’ll be okay. 

“Sam…I \- " 

Before I can get another word out there’s a faint, rustling sound coming from the bed behind us. 

_ Jack! _

“Duuu…” he faintly grunts. 

Sam leaps on the sound like he’s just thrown her a personal life-line. 

“Colonel!” she cries, wrenching herself from my grip and whirling to rush to his bedside.“Colonel, it’s me, it’s Sam, can you hear me?” 

She’s bending over him, brushing the hair back from his forehead, staring entreatingly at his face.Jack is indeed coming back to us, and true to form, he’s not coming quietly. 

“Dan – Dan – “he faintly mumbles, his eyes still closed, head starting to thrash restlessly on the pillow. 

“No Sir,” Sam insists, drawing closer to him while tightly clutching his hand to her chest.“Sam, it’s Sam.” 

“Dan – Daniel,” he blurts again, louder, his tone laden with desperate insistence, struggling in spite of his weakness against Sam’s efforts to restrain him. 

“Sir, take it easy, Colonel, you’re hurt, you have to lie still!” 

“Daniel!” 

I can’t get to him, I need to get to him, she’s in the way, she won’t move, won’t understand she’s not what he wants, he’s calling me, he needs me! 

_ “ **DANIEL!”** _ Jack roars, his eyes flying open, his back bowing off the bed. 

“Daniel’s here,” Sam futilely babbles, trying to be heard over his frantic bellows, but all her efforts to restrain and soothe him are making him more agitated.“I’m here too, Sir, you don’t have to – please, Colonel, please calm down!” 

“ **DANIEL WAIT**!” he screams again. 

I don’t understand, it’s like he doesn’t even know she’s there, he’s fighting, fighting so bitterly to get to me, the terror in his voice, why is he so scared?Oh God, I know, I know why, he’s remembering… the last thing he remembers, the last thing I said to him… 

“Sam?Daniel?What’s going on here? What’s wrong with the colonel?” 

Crap, that’s Janet.I _have_ to get to Jack now! 

I don’t have time for finesse; I grab Sam and bodily lift her out of the way, have to reach Jack, make him understand everything is okay so he’ll stop this before he hurts himself even more.I’m the only one who can, and I can’t and don’t have the time to explain that to Janet! 

“ **DANIEL! DANIEL!”** Jack screams again.He’s so weak and yet, I can hardly believe this, he’s batting at my hands, pushing them away, pulling at the covers, trying to fling them aside, oh my God he’s trying to get out of bed! 

To get to me. 

“Shhhh, Jack, it’s okay, I’m here,” I firmly grasp his face, to focus his wildly darting gaze, make him look at me, see me. 

“I’m here, I’m here, amacuse,” I soothe, lowering my voice so only Jack can hear me.“I’m here.It’s all right, you can rest easy.” 

“Daniel?”Jack’s voice is weak and pleading, filled with fear and need.His eyes, welling with tears dart back and forth, finally focusing on my face, just inches from him. 

“Daniel,” he whispers. 

“You’re in the infirmary, Jack.You’re safe.Sam and Teal’c are okay, we’re all okay, but you, you have to calm down now, Jack and be quiet.Do you understand?” 

“Daniel, what is he saying, is he asking for me?Colonel?” __

“Daniel, Sam, everyone, please, I have to ask you to leave now.” 

Sam.Janet.I can’t worry about them right now, Jack needs me. 

Jack’s hand knots in my shirt with terrifying ferocity, and he pulls me closer while struggling to speak. 

“Daniel, have to – have to tell you – “ his breath is warm in my ear as he struggles to get the words out. 

“Shhh, amacuse, it’s all right, don’t try to talk.You can tell me later.” 

“No, no,” he weakly insists.“Now.” 

“Daniel, you have to leave.I have to see to my patient.” 

Janet – please, not now. 

“Doctor Fraiser, all is well, please allow O’Neill to speak to DanielJackson.” 

Teal’c?Where did he come from?I don’t know but as usual, his timing is impeccable, thank you my friend, Jack and I we need, we need a little time. 

“Not _be_ one… Daniel,” Jack gasps, his voice thready and barely audible.“but if you were… what I want… for you… to give you… not fair I can’t give you… be with you like I could if you were… hate… hiding… deserve… you deserve everything…” 

Oh God, I know what he’s saying, what he means. We can’t be, what we are to each other, because society isn’t ready to accept love transcends any barrier.We shouldn’t be denied the right to love each other simply because we are the same gender.And yet, we are.It’s not fair, it’s not right, but, there it is.We could… love each other for all the world to see if that wasn’t so, if one of us were… different, and _that’s_ what the Ancient device saw, the ‘what could be’ that isn’t he’s wished for, not a gender change for me, but being able to ‘be’ with me, the same way he could, if I were. 

A woman. 

But of course, being Jack, when the device took him so literally… 

I want to laugh, I want to cry. I’ve been such a fool.He humbles me, his devotion and determination, he fought to stay with me, fought even harder to come back to me and his first conscious thought, the only thing he wanted, God, look at him, barely clinging to consciousness, and yet he won’t let go until he’s absolutely certain I understand how much he loves… 

Someday, my love, you’ll get your wish, we’ll be able to stand hand in hand before the whole damned world and on that day no one will be prouder than me. 

“Nothing gonna stop me… no machine… screw… screw the world… you… only you… no matter…” 

I love you so much, Jack. 

“Teneo,” I gently reassure him, brushing my lips against the side of his face, as much of a caress as I dare given there are at least three pairs of eyes on us.“Te amo, amacuse.” 

Jack’s hand loosens, falls limply away, I feel him sag back with relief into the pillow. Released from his emphatic grasp I can lift my head and resume a more upright position. 

“Back…atcha,” he mouths at me.“Infantia.” 

His eyes, heavy-lidded, manage a mischievous twinkle before they finally flutter closed.A soft, contented sigh seeps past his slightly parted lips. 

I step back from the bed, Janet immediately muscling past me, her full focus on Jack. I make my way blindly toward the nearest chair and sink into it, relief crashing through me as swiftly as the adrenaline is draining out.I don’t need Janet to tell me Jack is going to be okay, and now, I can let go. I can feel every sleepless, anxious hour I’ve endured over the past few days weighing me down.Tired.Okay, okay to be tired, it’s almost over, Jack’s okay, he’s okay, I can sleep soon. 

I know Sam and Teal’c are somewhere near but no one is speaking and I’m too exhausted to open my eyes, so I’ll just sit here until someone says something.Or maybe I’ll… I could fall asleep, right here, right… now… 

He’s okay, he’s okay, he’s okay, thank God, he’s okay. 

“Good work, Daniel,” Janet’s soft voice penetrates the fog cloaking my awareness, jerking me roughly back from the fringes of sleep. “Whatever you said to the colonel to calm him down, you did a good job. He’s got some recovery time ahead of him, but the worst is over.He’s going to be fine.” 

I knew that, I knew that but to hear her say it... 

“That is indeed good news Doctor Fraiser,” Teal’c says for all of us. 

“The best.Now, I want all of you to get the heck out of my infirmary and let my patient sleep, oh and by the way, go get some sleep yourselves.Oh Daniel, before I forget, the colonel wanted me to tell you something.He said to wish you Happy Birthday.” 

God, that’s right, it’s my…Well, for the next… ten minutes, anyway. 

Isn’t that always the way, here’s me with the best reason I’ve ever had to celebrate my birthday I can remember and it’s almost over. 

That’s okay.I’m good. Partying on the inside. Now I know Jack’s okay, I’m better than good, I'm  great. 

When I get some sleep I’ll be even better. 

Oh no.Oh wait.Sam… I still have to find a way to speak to Sam about… 

We have to talk about what almost happened to her on P4H um…um... 

Too tired to remember… 

“Sam,” I force my eyes open. 

Sam is standing closer to me than I realized, and Teal’c is beside her.She’s staring at me, her lips pursed, her eyes smoky with a lurking, sparking emotion I can’t immediately identify and I’m too tired to work out right now. 

“He called for you,” she softly murmurs.“He always calls for _you!”_

She blinks hard, several times, her face turning into an expressionless mask.As I gape stupidly at her, not quite getting where this sudden mood shift is coming from she pivots about and stomps toward the exit. 

Um…I’m thinking maybe this wouldn’t be the best time for that talk. 

Maybe later. 

Yeah, we’ll do it… do it later.Once we’ve both had some sleep. 

“I will accompany Major Carter,” Teal’c gently informs me.“I think it would be best if you remain here, DanielJackson.” 

I’ll just stay here, then, shall I?For a minute, only a minute, in this nice comfy chair… rest my eyes… 

* * *

“Jack, I just walked into the grocery store, keep your shirt on, I won’t be long.” 

“I _know_ that, I just wanted to go over the list again, double-check, I think there’s one or two essential items you might have…” 

“Jack, you know damned well what’s on the list and because you’ve only been released from the infirmary I’m sticking to it so get over it already, I’m not going to be picking up any beer - " 

“Twinkies?” 

“No.” 

“Taco chips?” 

“Nein.” 

“Chunky Monkey?” 

“Neen!” 

“Doughnuts?Daniel, have a heart, tell me you’ll get me some doughnuts!” 

“Nyet!” 

“Okay, okay, I get it, the snack situation around here is gonna majorly suck for awhile, but if I can’t have the doughnuts, or the chips, or the beer I’ll settle for a consolation prize.” 

“Meaning?” 

“Well Daniel, I’ve been thinking, yanno, you made a hell of a good looking woman, and while we’re both agreed a full-time Danielle wouldn’t work for either of us, have you ever considered…” 

“Jack…” 

“I mean it, you were totally hot! Think about it, not all the time, of course, that would be weird, but every once and a while, you might wanna slip into something… different.Maybe a dress, nothing too fancy, basic black, a short little sleeveless number, some ruffles, if you’re feeling really wild and crazy.” 

“Absolutely not!We’re not having this conversation now, or ever again!” 

“So I suppose a bustier is out of the question?How about fish-net stockings?” 

“I’m glad you’re home Jack.” 

“Me too.Now, hurry up and buy all that healthy crap you’re determined tobore me to death with and get your ass back here so we can fight about this some more.” 

I shake my head and put my cell phone back in my shirt pocket.He’s been home less than a half a day and already he’s got me contemplating at least a dozen ways to put him right back in the infirmary. 

God, I’ve missed him so much. 

But now he’s well on the mend and home again, and as soon as I finish the re-provisioning run I’m going back to him and whipping him up a welcome home dinner he won’t soon forget. 

Although… while the dress thing is completely non-negotiable, I must confess, the more I think about it I’m finding the stockings idea… interesting…

We'll just keep mulling the possibilities over while we stroll and shop, that way we won't be thinking about a certain conversation I've tried to have with Sam so far without success, a certain incident I omitted to include in my mission report and a huge, worrisome secret I'm keeping from Jack.

First, get him better, then, we'll deal with it.

I'll tell him, I will, but not yet.

I’m trundling my shopping cart down the produce aisle and who should I see ahead of me fondling an impressive head of lettuce but… 

Oh, he looks very different without the pretentious monkey suit and the slicked back hair, but it is, it definitely is. 

It’s my good buddy 'Pierre’.Well, imagine that. 

Pierre .Small world.You know what, I’m going to go over there and say hello. 

Or maybe that should be… bon jour. 

Yeah, I’m bad, but you know what, I’ve _earned_ this! 

I power my cart up to his, banging into it slightly to draw his attention. 

“Ah, Pierre, ça me fait plaisir de vous revoir!” I enthuse, once the guy’s bland gaze swings my way. “Comment allez-vous?” 

That’s pretty basic stuff; somebody with high-school French should at the very least get the ‘how are you’ part. 

And… he’s giving me the big, blank dumb stare.Major non comprehension signal, I’m thinking. 

Oookay, let’s have some more fun. 

“Tu piges pas un mot de ce que je dis, hein ?”  I continue cheerily, smiling, nodding and patting him on the shoulder like he’s a long, lost buddy.“Je crois que non.Donne-moi cette boite-là? Non? Voici mon livre? La plume de ma tante est sur la table?” 

I’m just getting warmed up, contemplating moving on to insulting facial features and body parts when he emits a long-suffering sigh. 

“Gimme a break, pal,”‘Pierre’ says in a Minnesotan accent so broad it would make Jack homesick.“It’s just a damned job, I don’t actually speaka da damned lingo, and for the record, my name is Fred.” 

Minnesota!Hah!I _knew_ it! 

Fred tosses his lettuce in his cart and beats a hasty retreat.Flushed with victory and blessed vindication, not to mention a soupçon of payback I’m happily preparing to complete my mission when my cell phone rings again. 

It’s Jack.What’s he want now? 

“Jack?” 

“Hey Daniel, I’ve been thinking, if the dress thing is completely non-negotiable how do you feel about picking up a nice black wig on your way home?” 

FINIS

****** **teneo – I understand**

** ** Daniel’s speech to ‘ Pierre ’ in English:  **

** Pierre, I’m pleased to see you again, how are you?You’re not getting a word of what I’m saying, right?I think not.Give me that box over there. No?This is my book?My aunt’s feather is on the table?  **


End file.
